Burmecia For Life

:)

2009-11-06T23:03:00.002+08:00

Ok so today, nothing much happened.

I tell you, along the way I got pissed off.
They got no size down at the BoardsAndStuff.
Like really.
I really need new shoes.

Skytop, Vaider, or Skylow.
Whatever, as long as it is nice, I'll go for it :)

Hm,
"kalau kite kluar berduaan, nanti ade orang ketiga..."

haha, meaning, if you go out with someone and with that person only, there will be a third person tagging along.

The devil.
:)

And then, during todays outing,
I kept wondering.
There was me, shaiful and Aizat.
I mean, technically I'm going out with shaiful right?
So....it makes Aizat the devil?

HAHAHAHA OKOK JOKING LA HAHA. :):):)
I'm dead. haha.
haha you know I don't mean it..

Hm, I am still clueless of tomorrow's plan...
But I definitely know that person's plans...

I think... :)

late nights have been really boring.
and lonely............

hm.....

I'm out.

Ps/: where are you..? :)

Thank you Farhana

2009-11-06T01:41:00.002+08:00

Guess what? I felt like skating just now.
arghhhhhh. Hate that feeling.
So anyway, school ended at 9pm as usual.
Headed for RP to me Hafriz and Shaiful.
Come to think of it, I really need new shoes, Na'mean?

Been quite busy lately.
busy eh....HAHA :)
On a serious note, P3 is very important for me.
I want to do well for it.
And I also have multimedia fundamentals.
Its tough, but, I guess it'll be useful in the near future.

I guess I have sinned alot. Like ALOT.

Ya Allah, please forgive me for all my mistakes.
I have sinned alot and I am praying each day and asking for forgiveness..

I will keep today's post short.

On a brighter note,

Dear Faiz.

Ok whatever. I don't know what to say hahahaha. But you know I know what happened. No need to tell the world, unlike some people......
Alright I was joking. But seriously, If life is unfair, I guess we have to make it fair ourselves.
You DO understand right?
I mean c'mon. We grew up together. and now you're a bright 14 year old.
We were also brought up alongside nenek. She gave us as much attention to others.
Love, care, toys, food....clothing....
If I can recall, You were the family jewel in your family.
She was always after you. Hugging you, like fo' real . You were cute back then, and you onced lived with nenek too right? The whole family? :)

You're 14, and I am not embarassed to say that at your age, I am really proud of you and that is saying something. DO WHAT YOU FEEL is right. But at times, use your mind.
You know I will never trade you for the world.
I read your blog. And I thank you alot and I know you meant your words. I know it.
But you have to understand,
That I can only do so much.
The rest is up to you....and them...and Allah.

Miracles can happen. But don't WAIT for them to happen.
make it happen yourself.
I know you are trying to change. But they see differently.
Pulling you out from those people, stopping you from smoking, sharing with you what I know, my experiences, is the best i can do, for now...

You know, There is nothing to be proud out of me.
I am who I am because of the people I hang out with, my family, my friends.
You know TAG right? I need not explain who they ARE to me.
I was a freak mysef.
I used to talk to the sky and the grass and insects and animals at the zoo.
I used to skate at night, hang out with i-dont-need-to-mention, go home late, starve myself.
Those were the days. The days how I treat myself, the days when there was no one to talk to.
the days when no one cared.

And I asked Allah alot of questions, and They weren't answered, yet...............

But today I stand alone a different man. Haha sounds farfetched?
But really, It a growing phase.
I am changing myself too.....
For the goodness of things...because I want to..

and guess what happened?
I think you know I know nenek know already la ok. :)

I can't help but be honest and sincere towards myself, you, her and everyone else..
But its a fact :)
ok lets keep it private.

You are considered lucky because when you are in trouble, need to talk, you got me.
But right now, I can do so much, you understand?
step up to your game man.
If you need to go to the masjid, go.
Bomb the house door if you have too.
Theres nothing stopping you except yourself.

My BIGGEST MISTAKE BACK THEN WAS,

When I needed help, I didn't turn to Allah. But I turned much to my friends...
I only turned to HIM only as a last resort.
But when things were calm and easy for me, I was complacent...
I forgot HIM....

Dear Allah please forgive me...

Don't make that mistake.

I am still the same, TAG is still the same.
Lay low for now ok?
I am really proud of you. things will definitely be easy for you in the future.
I am still here for you dumbass.

I'll always pray for you when I remember you...InsyaAllah..
I believe in you and you need to believe in yourself.
Always be sincere, always be honest, uphold your Hope and Faith

InsyaAllah, things will turn out alright.

You can never fail in life,

unless you quit.

Will be going to cineleisure I guess.
To check out Supras.

Peace..

Ps/: And I thank you Allah, for presenting me the best gift of my life....
For I am changing for the better, and I love it... deep down from my heart...
Thank you Allah..

And thank you very very much awak :)

Turbo

2009-10-29T02:20:00.002+08:00

Uploaded two new songs.
The rock show by Blink 182,
and also,

Power rangers Turbo Theme song.

For those of you who had a childhood, you might remember those days
when the power rangers were the closest thing to every talk.
THEY GOT POWER WHAT.

Whats the morphin phrase?

SHIFT-IN-TO-TUR-BO!
SHIFT INTO TURBO!
:):):)

Btw, 3 more days, to the big day.

Ps/: I hope you can be patient because it will take time for me to tell you....
But its going to be wonderful.... :)

Regret

2009-10-29T01:11:00.003+08:00

I had dreams of making it big.
To tell grandmother.
To be honest with her and tell her my future plans.
I know, If she knew, her decision can surpass the other elders.
And I don't have to worry about anything else.

Juggling life, school, friends, your dear ones,
Its not as easy as it sounds like.
There is going to be a day when you will meet your biggest downfall.
I'm not sure whether I already did.

Had a talk with Aizat.
I wish i can tell the whole world.
I told him, that the 2nd last person who i really wanted to commit to, appeared for a while,
and then disappeared,
because of work? Found new friends?
I have no idea.
But left me blank.
ATLEAST I don't leave people clueless.

Have you ever felt the same way?
Or been in this position?
When you are left clueless, and been treated like a stranger?
You stayed because you cared, but it didn't mattered.

Back then, I didn't know my mistake.
Too clingy?
But its human nature, right..?
So I was "dumped".

Not once, But a few times.
Don't you think I have my fair share of experiences?
Been hurt before? crushed?
have the weight of the whole world on my shoulders?

AND RIGHT NOW,
When I became one of them,
and I try to make things right with the best intentions,
I'm not given the chance too...
Instead I have to pretend to be a stranger.
because I can no longer be accepted in any way.

I always pray, and wonder,...
If Allah can accept us for who we are, his creations...
Then who are we to not accept anyone as someone..?

Pretending to be a stranger is no different than being left like a stranger.
You don't have much choice.
But to go with people's decisions.

If you have ever been hurt, you STILL care for the person who hurt you.
But if you hurt someone, you ALSO care for them, still...

But here is the thing;
They won't allow you to do that in either situation.

When you leave, you will become like her..
Treat me like a stranger....
And I'll be nothing but trash.

And you still deny.
but now?
isn't it proven?

I wish I can put names here, to make this more understandable for you guys, But I guess I won't.
I got no permission from some people haha :)
Just want to use them as an example.
good example.

Which EVER came first?
LOVE? or CARE?
Think...

For me? It is care.
And I'm surprised it still ends with care.

I don't care what others think, what you think,
I'm doing it because I believe it is the right thing to do.

But you want me to go away.
You don't need me?
You hate me?

I had My feelings, my heart toyed and crushed, broken into millions of pieces before.
None of that ever crossed my mind.
because I know i still need those people who
hurt me.

And up to this day, I am glad some of them understood,
we understood one another,
we understood the care that ran in our lives although its invisible.

~

I had a dream.
As some of you might know, one of my dear uncle is a police officer.
I regard him as a friend, because he treats me like one.
But deep inside, we have a strong understanding for one another.

In this dream, I was his partner.
We were in the police car. Along the expressway.
We got radioed that theres been an accident up ahead, so we hustled to the location.
When we reached the road shoulder up ahead, there was a car and it was starting to burn.

We stopped nearby, and i rushed out with an emergency fire extinguisher
while my uncle radioed HQ.
I was trying to extinguish the fire when suddenly, from behind,
a container truck smashed into our patrol vehicle.
It happened so fast, but I soon realized that the police car was totalled,
upturned, and I could see my uncle bleeding, still alive, but trying to get out.
The truck driver must have been sleepy and not noticed the vehicle collision up ahead.

I ran to the police car in my attempt to rescue my dear uncle.
I held his hands and tried to pull him out, but it seemed impossible,
But i wasn't going to give up on him easily.

And he said to me
" Rahmat, go save those people inside the car. There are a few of them.
I can help myself. But if we lose THEM, we'll regret not saving them, and not answer the call of duty. Its your responsibility, you know it"

After those words, I ran to the other car and pulled the people out.
When the last person came out,
Who appeared to be a woman,

The police car exploded.

Yea. It exploded.

I was stunned. I was down on my knees.
A thousand Knives stabbed thru my heart.
Tears ran down my cheeks.
And I prayed
" Ya Allah, forgive him for his mistakes, put him alongside those in your haven, and forgive me for my mistakes..."

I knew I was going to lose him when I decided to save those people.
When i decided to uphold my responsibility.
To do my job.
And I guess he knew He was not going to make it..
he could, but it was his request that i save the people.
It was the last, and I didn't want to fail it..

Soon after, there was a gathering, In memory of his death.
All his friends were there, my grandmother,
and my friends,
And the people we saves, and their family.

I had to give a speech about my uncle.
And I did.

The last thing I remembered saying, was the bravest most honest thing I said infront of the crowd.

" If Only I knew who were the ones in the burning car, I would have chose not to save them.
I would have gone for my uncle, and let them die instead.
I did it because it was my duty, and Because It was a request from my uncle..."
But If I knew,
I would have saved my uncle.
Instead of saving the other five.

If Only I knew.
And When i stepped down from the stage, I remembered what he told me,
that i won't regret.
And at that moment, I wish he knew that He was wrong.

I regretted.

The lucky survivors was stunned by my words.
I walked towards my grandmother,
Knelt before her, and apologized to her for failing her son,
and ask her for forgiveness for not being able to save him.
her beloved son, my beloved family member.

I walked to my aunt, and tell her I am sorry..
And I promised her that i will take care of her two children,
As it is my fault that they are fatherless.
And Its because i remind her so much of him.
Because we look alike...

Selfish? I don't think so.
If you wanna talk about selfish, you can tell someone else.

I walked up to the survivors and I said
" I was just doing my job. Rejoice, and move on with life,
for I do not want my sacrifice, or his, to be a waste"

Their fate was in my hands.
In a way. I had to make a decision right?
I didn't know what would happen if i tried to save my uncle.
Both parties might have died that night.
But still. I had to make a choice,
My uncle would have done the same thing if he was in my shoes.
And I would have told him to save those people if i was in his...
Like me, I don't want him to live in regret.

The only difference is that,
I regret saving those people.
I really did.
But whats done is done.

If ONLY I knew who was inside the car.

Hafriz lost his uncle and he told me before his uncle died, he had a feeling,
this feeling that something bad, a bad news will come to him.
And he was right.
Sorry to mention this bro. But I thought,
Dreams could come true,
as a sign to us..
Feelings could be true when we least expect it.

Outty.

Care

2009-10-28T02:24:00.005+08:00

Its 2.30 am and Im listening to power ranger songs as
I'm doing my assignment.
Brings back memories.
Shift Into Turbo.

Late nights just ain't the same...
ahuh...

I still remember those times.
When i'll leave the house after Isyak, Head for the hardcourt.
By the time I reach there, I would have about 45 mins before the lights were off.
Thats when i'll skate to my fullest.

When the lights are off, I would be tired.
I'll sit, sometimes lie on the concrete flooring.
The atmosphere would be quiet. I'll be quiet too.
Because I'll be too tired to walk. To get a drink.

I'll stare at the sky( No emo shit).
And try to find the nearest star to me( other than the sun).
I felt that by doing that, I'll feel myself near to Allah..
And thats when i'll start babbling..

"God, If you are listening, can you drop me a bottle of coke?"
"God, fly me home please...."
"God, I feel like an idiot..."

and so on...

Haha. those were the days :)
But those days disappeared.
I spent my time sending myself home, meet ups after meet ups.
Those nights...
Were indeed better than skating.

After each departure, I'll walk home alone.
As always.
And each step I took, feels very heavy.
At times I didn't dare to look back.
because I was afraid.

Of what? Good question. It doesn't matter anyway.

It hard to be good, but its so easy to be bad...
At times, people ALLOW us to be bad without realizing it, and in the end, we're blamed for..
But when we try to be good,
They reject it indirectly, unintentionally...

Its called
"Actions speaks louder than words"
Yeah alot of people tried to teach me the meaning of life.
I mean c'mon. They're the boss.

Funny though. whats with the phrase if you are doing it just to live a lie?
Like for example
" Ah its ok, take the money, im sincere, take it"
Add a smile to it and you'll fool the person into your "good deeds".
But inside?

oops. I guess whats inside the heart didn't mattered.right?

Then came the letter.
The letter to success.
I wish someone had read it for me.
I had to burn it...for some stupid reason...
It wasn't success at all.

How hard is it to do good deeds?
When you're intentions are good but all people see are the negative aspects from you at first.
Alot of things to consider huh?
timing, your actions, words.

When was the last time you made a mistake?
10 years ago?
0_-

You can be an angel all you want.
But remember,
it takes little time for you to become from angel to devil.
One mistake.

Its like automatic.
You'll become a douche automatically.
You'll become a bad person in their memory for life.
because they'll remember the last thing you ever did.
One last thing,
against the thousand things you've sacrificed and done for them.

true?very. Its been proven.
So in the end, it didn't mattered.
You didn't mattered actually because you're a failure.

Why not do bad things from the start and do one good thing in the end?
I guess they'll remember you as a good person, right?
hm.

Does it matter if you did something without them seeing you actually done it?
Does it matter, all your sacrifice, if you don't PROVE it?
Does it matter, whether you cared or not, if they don't see your ACTIONS?

Yea. It does matter.
I guess this only applies for failed beings.
But not for oncoming supreme, perfect beings in the future.

But I guess those supremes will face the same thing if it happens to them?
No?
Hm, weird....
Stereotyping?
Its as if "mistakes" have levels..
Lvl 7, lvl 14...

it all doesn't seem to matter anymore..
How hard you try to make things right..
how hard you try to convince...
They still look at it in one perspective...
That you're a disappointment.

Someone mentioned to me about being there for everyone because of the love for it.
Because it is a good things to do.
Theres no explanation to it...and thats why at times, even i can't answer myself..
Why am i still here?
because I want to.
I want to do that, and I am still here, waiting, helping...
But you don't get second chances to fix things...

Remember I told you guys about the story of Sid And Charlie?
When Sid was Brutally injured he asked
"why did you follow me?"

and Charlie answered
"only because I wanted to.."

Its the most simplest answer anyone can ever give to someone.
If theres mutual understanding between both, trust, honesty,..
There isn't a need for any more questions.

But it doesn't work like that in the "real" world.
why not?
Don't ask me.... I am In Charlie's shoe.
Being In charlie's shoe is tough.
I wonder What went thru his mind when He held Sid....

Family.
Somehow, TAG has become part of my family.
I regard each one of them as my brothers,
even their own families, as part of mine too.

Not only them, but to the dear few whom I've treasured, even up till now.

Just that they don't see it..
Selfish? Taking things for granted..?
Is it human nature to keep asking for more when we get a little..?
sigh...

Even when things don't work out, does that mean we should throw away,
and everything is lost?
Because those I regard as family,
those dear to me..those I still care...
Some, they leave....

because of me..? You try to do good until you did bad..?

When we are here on standby, even when we get shit thrown at our faces,
ready to die on our feet rather than live on our knees,
When we keep waiting and have our arms open to welcome,..
When we still hold dear to those we care,

Somehow, it don't matter to them anymore....
:/

But do we give up easily?
No....
Do we forget and pretend nothing happened before?
No...
Do we do exactly what they did to us,..?
No....

So what do we do..?
We do what we think its right.
If we believe that what we are doing is right, even if it takes years to convince,
take a lifetime,
then stay true to it.
because you BELIEVE.

And THANK YOU FOR BELIEVING IN ME!
You know who you are...
Panda :)

Regret.

I get this word often from Shaiful. In a good way i mean.
Would you rather die trying, or live and then die in regret?
Choose.

This is not intended for only one person.

I just have to say this.
When our parents gave birth to us, it means,
one day, we must take care of them.
because they cared for us and watch us grow.
Whatever mistakes we could have done towards them, in the past or future,
our parents, elders, will always forgive us..
I believe in that.

So tell me, why disappoint them by being spoilt?

Who was there for you when you didn't have nobody?
Who stood up when people diss Hiphop on you?
Who always give you spare change willingly without hesitation when you needed it?
Who always create those lame jokes, weird faces, spend endless
chat sessions with you?
Who always bike, skate, go out, study, do the common interests with you?
Who never fails to call you by your nickname?
Who always, ALWAYS cover up for your mistakes,
so you won't get trashed?
who do you ALWAYS look forward to meeting after school, or during weekends,
knowing that it would be the time of your life?

WHO THE FUCK, WOULD REGARD YOU AS FAMILY,
who stood up for you, equal respect, looked up to you and your talents,
praised you on every little success, motivates you to do better?

MA-FA-KA.
And now look at what has become of you.
Not only you, but some others too.

If we were a bad influence,
would you be doing all the shit you told us you did?
FUCK.
WHO ALWAYSSSSSSS ASK YOU TO TAG ALONG TO THE MASJID?????
FAGGOT.
WHO ALWAYS TALK TO YOU ABOUT BELIEF, SINS, FUTURE, GOOD DEEDS,
ALWAYS GUIDING YOU TO THE RIGHT PATH?
Who stops you from doing all your shit? You know any one else who even bother more?

Who was always there to teach you maths, history?
WHO ALWAYS BABBLE TO YOU ABOUT THE DIGIMON EVOLUTION CHARTS
UNTIL YOU GET BORED EVEN THOUGH YOU LOVE IT????
Who still regard you as one even when you declined in your studies?
Who were the ones who kept pushing you up till you surpass your limits?
Who stands up for you when they diss your big size???
Who were the ones who called you
"Teddybear" or says that as big as you are, its always warm and cozy to have you alongside?????????

Don't you think we are family?
Almost 6 years and counting.
If we are not, We wouldn't bother and just let you rot and die.
Let you slip into the seventh circle of hell.

If we are not family, I wouldn't bother even when she asked for my help.

Are we really the bad influence here?
Damn it you guys really are champions.

We will never trade you for the world.
I will never trade you for anyone else.
To me you are unique, in your own ways,
special talents only WE can see because we're close.
We know you so well, Only Allah knows..
Theres only ONE of you in this world.
And we're the lucky ones to find you, to keep you
and to live alongside you.
I'm glad that Allah presented you to US.
There won't be US if theres no You.

If you want to disappoint us, make us suffer, wait like idiots,
chase you like desperados, then its ok,
I guess we can tolerate.

But don't ever disappoint your parents or hurt their feelings.
You might not realize it, but your actions speaks louder than words
(fuck the phrase la)

We will NEVER trade you for anyone else.
But isn't it obvious that by hanging out with THEM, you're slowly drifting away,
and becoming, different...?

Lets fantasize this.
You can go with them, its your choice.
Spend your time killing yourselves.
But if one day,
Theres a crisis, a war (Wallahua'lam..)

They WILL Trade you for their family.

You remember this well.
Because if a moment like that came, you'll turn to a friend, and then a stranger,
and they'll stop at nothing to get back their loved ones,
even if it means trading/sacrificing you.

But WE won't
Thats a promise I can make.
If you thought we would, we would have done so earlier.

You only have two parents.
A father and a Mother.
Those who gave birth to you.
There are none out there who can do the same things, look the same way,
care and love the same way as your parents.
Not to mentions your siblings and relatives.

Even if you've done terrible mistakes, It can be forgiven.
We can forgive you.
I can forgive.
I won't regret forgiving even if you make mistakes again.
We all do.

But if your parents die one day...
you can search the whole world, circle it thousands of times,
to look for them...
Cry out their names..
tell them you miss them and is sorry for your wrongdoings...

but you won't find them anymore
:'(

these are words from me, and me alone....

But also from those who regard you as BROTHER,
we thought its time we take actions,
before its too late...

You don't need to forget, to leave or to throw...
care doesn't come from love...
Its love that comes from care...

Those who care will always stand up and fight.
Who will stand by even when the world is upside down.

I'M OUTTY.

4 more days.
Saturday is a big day for me.
And faiz.
Nothing beats honesty.
:)

Ya Allah, Please guide me to do the right things..
because I believe, I am...

Ps/: Thank you for believing in me, for trusting me, for allowing me to be myself,
to follow my heart, to allow me to do things I never imagine I could... :')

The present

2009-10-24T21:41:00.003+08:00

Ok so updates.
Someone asked me to update.............

:)

So, On wednesday was site analysis.
Went for Director's talk in the morning, and then class in mid afternoon.
Then I went to the site with my group members at around 4.30pm.
It was crazy.
Being the cameraman, I had to adapt to the babbling of my friends.
HAHAHAHAHA.
Had some to act out tourist and businessman.
It was fun.
The boring part came when I was forced to take a boat ride
along the Singapore river.
Had to videotape the whole journey.
But it was worthwhile.
Tourists asked me where I was from.
Seriously, Do I look like an Indonesian?
I do have javanese blood, but...
oh well...

On Thursday morning, I went to the site again in the morning.
To finish up some recording.
Came back to school to do some video editing.

Met Hafriz to talk about stuff.
TAG stuff.

Friday was the presentation. Turned out well, I won't explain in detail.
But I'm kinda proud and satisfied of the outcome.
Everyone had a great time..

Haha and bad/good news.

I got night class from 6 to 9.
BAIK :)
But its good.
Because I'm learning how to create WEBSITES!
Multimedia Fundamental.

Hm, you know....
She ever told me,
When I came out to this world, It was the most craziest, most beautiful thing ever!
Her first grandson...
She said, when she rushed to the hospital, she was looking for me..
And there were alot of babies...
But she kept hearing one crying!
The baby boy was crying so loudly, she kept wondering,
"who might he belong too.."

And when she asked the nurse,
she was shocked!
Because I belong to her!

She said I was chubby and my face was brownish red.
I couldn't stop crying.
I had no idea why.
But when she came, I stopped.
And I guess she cried...

Which grandmother wouldn't be happy to hold her first grandson? :)

When she told me the story, her eyes really portrayed everything.
She looked as if she was about to cry.
I could understand.
Now, she has not one, but 7!
and a new one just joined the group! which makes a total of 8!

I got my name from my grandfather!
No "muhammad" .
Just, Rahmat.
:)

And Now I'm 18.
Spoilt at times, but steady.
:)

She ever told me,
That she is going down, but I am going up..
What she meant was...her time is almost up..
She can leave anytime..
Anytime when Allah decides to...
It has been written; her passing away.
We just don't know when..

And I hate it when she says that.
I really hate it...
:'(
Everytime she does, I'll look away.
She ALWAYS tells me things in secret.
When I'm about to go home, and I wanted to Salam her in her room,
she'll pull me to sit and talk.
I love those moments, the advices..
The talks...
Its those advices and stories that I won't forget...

When I step out of my cousin's place, I'll feel like crying.
I know I'm going to lose her one day...
I know...
:'(

I love her cooking!
Even my cousins do...
I still remember those days when she took care of me, because I lived near.
She would give me her attention,
Bring me to the playground, buy me toys...
Carry me and hug me and love me..
Even now, when we are living in woodlands,
I'm trying to repay her kindness.
By visiting her whenever I can..
Help her around, Update her...

But the most important thing I'll never fail to do,
Is being honest with her.
I don't usually tel her things,
Because I don't want to burden her...
But when she ask,
can i help not to tell..?
:):):)

She always tell me to follow my heart.
Be myself.
Take care of the younger ones.
Be a filial and responsible son.
Never to forget my prayers and the Quran.

And when she ask the most personal questions,
I have to answer...
But I'm glad she is understanding.
:):):)
I'm really glad..
She is happy too...
Because She is seeing a change...

She looks like your aunty!
What beautiful eyes!
She is so chubby! Ya Allah!
You are lucky! She is responsible!
I'm happy..
Alhamdulilah, Syukur kepada Allah..

If a person believes in you, why can't you believe in yourself..?
right..?
Well, Tommorrow, I might be seeing her again..
as well as my relatives..
:)

InsyaAllah, If Allah doesn't forbid,
I'll bring you to see her..
I promise, nenek.. :)

AND TODAY.
I HAD A HARD TIME BALANCING MYSELF IN THE MRT.
I WAS TREMBLING.
STUNNED.

:)

Take care peeps!

~Rahmat~

Ps/: Hope you love it........

Singapore river

2009-10-20T23:16:00.002+08:00

Today was site analysis.
At the Singapore River.

THE HEAT WAS SO INTENSE.

I was walking when suddenly my vision goes blurry black.
Almost pitch black.
Of course, I didn;t faint.
But I stopped to regain myself.

Hell It was scary.
I remembered the incident which involved my senior, Hafidz, hitting his head on a concrete seat while doing a bike stunt
And he told me his left eye vision went pitch black.

And his left part of his head was bloody red.
He thought it was sweat.
0_0

Was it left or right?
Not sure but thats not the point.

I hope tomorrows weather is good.
Windy and cloudy will be ok.
Because tomorrow is going to be a loooooooooooooooooooooooog
day at the site.

God bless ya'll.

Ok I'm out.

Ps/: Don't worry....... Don't be sad.... because I am always here for you... :')

Email

2009-10-18T21:54:00.002+08:00

Now I know,

why emailing is important.

Very-very important.

Stressed out.
I'm stressed.

Specs lost nikkuh

2009-10-17T17:31:00.002+08:00

Yesterday, I lost my spectacles.
I was angry and frustrated.
I ALWAYS keep track of 4 Important things.
Wallet, Handphone, MP3,
and my Spectacles.

On Friday morning, 5.00 am, I went to bed and I took my specs off and put them
beside me on the bed.
I woke up but was half conscious. I saw my mum enter my room, pulling the curtains aside.
I went back to sleep for about another 15 minutes.
I woke up after that, went out to get my MP3 to listen
to songs, to get me awake.
I was in a good mood, but the day turned hazardous,
when i couldn't find my specs.
DAMN IT.

My parents and I searched the WHOLE house but couldn't find it.
I even called my foster brother's kindergarten teacher,
and ask her to check in his bag, JUST IN CASE IF HE HAD TAKEN IT.
But he didn't.

Shaiful told me that Since it was friday night, a toyol might have taken it.
If it was true,
I'll put green beans near my bed at one corner,
wait for it to appear and kill it.
Period. No shit real talk.
I will, destroy it.
Shaiful even said that it might appear wearing my specs, because its dark and it needs specs to see while playing with the beans.
Funny boy.

C'MON.
THERE ARE A MILLION THINGS IN MY ROOM.
MAFAKA. IF YOU WANT MONEY, ASK LA.
KNN CCB.
I'M WILLING TO GIVE YOU 50 DOLLARS LA.
WHY TAKE MY SPECS WHEN YOU CAN TAKE OTHER THINGS?????
SHIT NIKKUH.

People, I'm not saying its true.
But it could be. Things don't just disappear like that.
Because I remembered everything that happened before I slept.
I thought it could be possible because Farhan's mother always talk to us about the supernatural, and going home late is not good.
But the thing is, I didn't go out on thursday.
My sister could have brought it in the house because she came home late.

Shit la. I don't care.
If its really true,

You won't see any green beans for the rest of your life, son.

I am really frustrated.
If you are one of those who wear specs and your vision is not that good,
you'll know what it feels like.
It hurts everytime I look around and I have to focus and my eyes will feel painful.

And yesterday, I went to get myself a new pair of specs,
But it won't be ready till Sunday evening.
So NOW,
I'm using my 2004 spectacles.
Fo'real.
My visual becomes blur when something is far...

GOD.
I think GOD took away my specs to make me experience how it feels like to be blind.
I mean,
I WAS partially blind without the right specs.

I slept over at cousin's crib yesternight.
Talked about stuff, bgr, ghost, family,played videogames,
guitar, and yes, piano.
I can play the piano.
Abit.

And today, I went to orchard with the dudes,
to SHOP.
Yea. Shop for dope stuff.
Especially Harith; he bought tons of stuff.
And yea. He had another Supra, making it the third one.
But its nice man,
*salute*

It still feels weird wearing my old specs.
I can't wait to get the new ones.
130 dees.

At times, I feel glad...
Glad that I am not able to see what I don't want to see..
If you know what i mean.

Hm, I am normal.
I'm am trying to be normal,
to be myself...

I can't help but to accept the fact that i'm a disappointment.
I feel the sadness every now and then...
I can never forgive myself.
Everytime I try to do the right things, it becomes bad..
But still, I will make things right..
Things will be right..
even if its not for me...
:'/

Met Maryam after orchard trip.
talked about stuff.
haha. thankx for the company.
shorty :P

OK I'M OUT.

Dear God, the only thing I ask of you..
Is to hold her when I'm not around..
When I'm much too far away...

~ Dear God, Avenged sevenfold~

Mirror

2009-10-16T01:51:00.000+08:00

Mirror Mirror on the wall....

Just give in dear Rahmat.
:)

Epic failure

2009-10-15T17:53:00.004+08:00

Actions do speak louder than words.
It tells whether you care, or you're concern, whether you're sad, or happy,
whether you're pretending, or whether you're not,
whether your words are sincere, or they're not.

a friend once quoted this,
" when I'm joking, it means I'm being serious, and when I'm being serious, it means I'm joking.."

But I admit, some people are like that, its because they find it hard to be honest or tell the truth,
They have some fear whatsoever.
Am I right..?

~
I tried to hold back the tears.
I didn't want to show any sadness or sorrow on my mafaking face.
I walked away with regrets, anger, frustration,
everything.
I walked away a failure and a disappointment.
Still, I couldn't control.
I teared as I walked.

But I couldn't walk anymore.
It was heavy, its like having the wind and gravity pushing down on you.
I had to sit.
To sit and let it all out, alone.

The masjid was visible from where I sat.
It called for me.
~

I will not forget a single thing.
Till now, Im still am, and still is,
what ive become.

And I know Karma will happen.
Because a person deserves what he deserves.
It wasn't a happy ending after all..

Bad things seem to happen when you try to do good.
Do good things happen when you do bad?

Letter To Rahmat was an epic failure.
was it a secret to success?
Writing all the things you need in life, the things you want to achieve and letting no one to read,
because its between you and GOD?
I've read the letter.
I'm disappointed in ONE thing which didn't come true,
One of the most important part In my life.

So I burned it and threw it away.
It was, after all, an epic failure....

I've lost the care and concern I still treasure..
And I got myself to blame.

I'm skating the stars and the havens tonight.

You, you called the police...
You called them on me..
And I wanna go, anywhere but Home....

SPARK OF BRIGHT LIGHT

2009-10-15T01:14:00.007+08:00

OK PEEPOLL LISTEN UPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP.
DAMN IT.

Today could be the worst day, and the most extraordinary day of my life.
Real talk.
because today ALOT of things happened.

I KNOW ALLAH IS ALWAYS FAIR.
Always has been.
Because Allah never fails to show me the answers.
Real talk.
Praises to Allah.

Ok so today, was a very sad day for me...
I don't need to explain, but I left with tears today...
sigh..
But I understood everything...I was at the wrong position..
But I know I can fix things..
Everything HAPPENS for a REASON...
And yesterday, I think I know why things happen the way it happened..
I can only conclude and assume, But Allah is the one whose doing the planning ..
I'm a mere human being who only has good intentions...
So I want to make good use of what i have..

No.1
COINCIDENCE.
No, It was just mere coincidence.
I knew I got my berkat/rezki or challenge from Alah on the FIRST DAY OF RAMADHAN.
If you guys know what happened, especially those who were there,
you should know what incident I am talking about.
Ok so that day was cool.

And there was a period of "cool down" for about a month.

And then, coincidence again.
How can it be coincidence?
Its not once, not twice, not even trice man...but alot of times..
It couldn't be just MERE COINCIDENCE.
I know it couldn't.
because everything HAPPENS for a reason .
If Allah already decides that you step on shit on thursday, then you will step on shit.
Na'mean????????????
Thats just an example..

But still, I was UNSURE.
I don't have the answers.
I had to wait for clues..maybe?
So i let it rest.

But this time, NO WAY.
I knew something is not right; Its not coincidence.
Somehow, I know things are working by itself.
The world is a small place.
Like serious talk.
I have a good memory, but i can store EVERY SINGLE THING in my head.
especially what I thought was not important or unnecessary.
But I once had a visual lock.
Something that you once glimpsed before, in reality or in a dream, but it seems vivid,it seems blurry.
I had a hard time trying to recall today,
But I was getting confident.
I know Allah plans everything, and everything is for a reason.
I just don't know it yet.

And today i had to do it, not because of peer pressure only, but due to other things.
because I was curious.
I'm always looking for answers, not trouble ok.
Although trouble comes to me unexpectedly.
but damn, I knew I had the right feelings.
I had good intentions, and I know things can turn ugly.
But I tried not to look at things negatively.

Shye always tells me,
" If you have GOOD intentions, why not man? You are not committing a sin, you are merely being human..remember that"
And i guess he is right.

Somehow, I tried to look things in a positive angle and it worked.

BECAUSE.
(this part still scares me)

The answers came from the person I least expect.

"Rahmat! Die suka manja manja dengan kita tau...."

Yea that was scary.

And when Farhan's mother told me this ONE fact,
I had a sudden flashback.
It was real. I really had a flashback.
AND IT HIT ME ON THE HEAD.
NO WONDERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.
NO WONDER EVERYTHING SEEMS FAMILIAR.

I only got back to my senses about 20 seconds after the flashback.
It was like when you get bombed nearby and you get shell shock.
you know?
Yea, I was recovering my state of mind and I heard,

" Ya Allah anak aku nie....termenung lak..."

I couldn't help but to smile,

" haha takda pape laa...."

It all made sense to me.
It really made sense.

A friend once told me(although I'm not sure whether he meant it)

"OMG, I always pray that my relationship with her is always protected...don't tell me GOD send you as the protector..? "

HAHA its funny, but if its true, its meant to be.
I feel that it is though.
After what heppened, I looked at things from a different angle, and what he said to me
might be true after all.
Because everything you do in your daily life, you have to think twice, think about alot of stuff before you can take action.
If you have good intentions, then its between you and GOD.
You don't need the world to know.
I know myself well, although there are still part of me that i do not understand.
Thats why I pray for the best and try to look at positive outcomes.
I believe that IF I DO, things will be just fine...

After today, everything made sense.
Its like a story.
An untold story.
have you ever read a book from the back?
Its something like that; but in my case, I found out about the story in the middle of it.
because if you read from the start, you don't know whats next, and if you read from the end, you know the outcome but you won't know the process, or how the story was actually told.

But if you got to know the story from the middle.
Its kinda tough >.<

Much to say but I'll leave it clean and simple...

I have to thank you too for turning me into someone better,
Someone who knows and is confident in doing things he feels right.
Because he became what you became to him.
:)
Thank you!
May Allah bless you....always...

tsk, No wonder I'm always in awe and attached to Gil-Galad,
The name simply means
"Spark of bright light"

I hope I can spark some "bright light".
Ah shit.

Ok I'm gone.

Ps/: Please don't be angry....I hope that the answers to everything that happened will come...I'll pray for it :)
I apologize if i always made you feel frustrated..or angry at me...because I keep saying I'm a burden...
Please be there for me... :')

Skate your Heart Out

2009-10-13T23:21:00.002+08:00

I find myself skating again.
Something must be wrong.
I didn't touch my board,
for a good 6 months or so.

Its not because my bearings and trucks are busted; I could have gotten new ones if I wanted to.

Sigh..

Back in 2006, If you niggiz recall, we would sit till late night,
Buy Curry Puff,
Drinks,
And let ourselves out.

They were the best, worst days I ever had.

Happened even when I was having my O levels.
WTF.

Pressure and emotional breakdowns.
Just had to let out the anger, those days.
All the frustration, the sorrow....
Talk to myself like an idiot.
Or talk to the sky.

" Dude, why do you think all this is happening? I mean in my opinion..."

and so on.

Better yet, talk to a caterpillar.
Or a snail.

I just hate those days.
When you got really no one to turn to.

AND TODAY,
I went skating.
SHIT.
And whats more shitty is that.
I reached home around 11.30 pm.
(still solat though, at Faiz's crib)

Damn it.

Ok I'm gone.

friend, Be there

2009-10-05T15:57:00.002+08:00

Shit.
I miss playing My playStation One (PS1).
I know its outdated. But remember,
without PS1, there wouldn't be PS2, Xbox, Xbox360, PS3, PSP and whatever, you name it.

I miss playing Final fantasy 9.

Did I ever told you guys that in the game, the main character, Zidane, a thief/warhero, told a story to ViVi, a little Wizard who got no parents. (sad). if my memory is good, it should be something like this.

There was an adventurer( I forgot his name but lets name him Sid). Sid was a loner, and he travelled the kingdoms far and wide, all alone. His adventures were thrilling and dangerous, and life threatening.
one day, he met a new friend( I forgot his name too, so lets just name him charlie).
Charlie was a timid little teenager, although he is 2 years younger than Sid. He had no friend, so he follows sid wherever he goes.
When Sid told him that he is going off for one last adventure, Charlie wanted to follow.
Sid told him off, saying that he might not come back. Sid nodded.

They travel on the open plains, climb mountains, and battled treacherous rivers.
One afternoon, while resting on top of a hill, they were attacked by thieves.
And in the midst of the battle, Sid was brutally stabbed, injured.
Charlie finished off the thieves, ran, and knelt before Sid.
And Sid asked,

" why did you follow me..?"

And the answer was simple,

" only because I wanted to.."

And from there, Charlie carried Sid on his back, to find help. And they became good friends there after...

The story told by Zidane to Vivi was to give him encouragement, because in the game, ViVi HAD no friends before and he travelled alone, until he met Zidane, who became his friend and Guardian and sworn fealty to him, to take care of him and even give up his life for Vivi.

Such a touching story...

How a person would sacrifice himself for his friend.
And he did not ask for anything in return.
He followed because he felt that he should, he felt that he needed to accompany his new found friend, he felt that his new friend needed a companion..

And he was there by his own will.

And one of the quotes was,

" you don't need a reason to help someone..."

He was willing to give up his life just to be with his friend,
to endure everything along side him.

Now tell me.
It stories told.
Are good explanations, and relations to our daily lives.

Tell me.

Did I ask for any?

Sacrifices

2009-10-05T02:48:00.002+08:00

Somehow i just hate it the way things turn out.
One moment you needed someone, the next moment you're trash.
It gets confusing because you was trying to do good, but didn't know exactly what happened, and the next moment you're hit right on the face?
And you know whats the best part is?
no explanation.
kosong.
I mean is this some kind of game?
When a person ask means he is being sincere; its either he is being a dumbfuck, or he really doesn't know what is going on and needs crystal clear explanation on the situation.

So OBVIOUSLY, I guess I'm being a dumbfuck all this while.
Thank you, friend.

I guess its change.
people change over time. Sometimes they forget.
Sometimes they forget who they really are, how they came about, how life was back then.
And after so long, they finally ask you to leave. basically, they got what they wanted, and they are contented, am i right to say?

Yea. Dumbfuck Rahmat.
fuck your bloddy ass. tryna do good?
Go away dude, You are not wanted anymore. Please leave.

Why need anyone else when you got one who is always by your side all the time?
Hm?
Sometimes, I wonder about where I came from.
How life was in the projects.
How growing up was a challenge, still is.
How being a fucking loner was a torture.
How help was hard to come by.

And those days of skating at night and looking at the sky decorated with the moon and the stars.
Those times were the hard times.
Those were the times where I'll skate my heart out.
Until things changed.

Sigh.
How I wish we could be more appreciative of others...

I always thought.

Why people will only remember those who had died; their good deeds and how loving and caring they were, when they were alive,

Only when their loved ones have died.

It doesn't make sense.

We only make a very impactful difference when we die.

Damn, I guess I didn't make any difference, huh?
Its alright...

sacrifices.

~Rahmat~

Kawan

2009-10-01T22:15:00.001+08:00

Apalah gunanya seorang kawan...

Actions speaks louder than words?
:'(

Whats the use if i can't carry out any of those...

:(

2009-10-01T20:41:00.002+08:00

They say I move to quick but we can't let this moment pass us
let the hour glass pass right into ashes
Let the wind blow the ash right before my glasses
So I wrote this love letter right before my classes

How Could a Goddess ask someone thats only average for advice?
OMG you listen to that ? Whoa its me, baby, this is tragic

Cause we HAD IT we was MAGIC, I was FLYIN' now I'm CRASHIN'...

Allah knows the truth, what I've been thru, For goodness sake...

Promises

2009-10-01T01:43:00.004+08:00

Yesterday, I had to rush for a new EZlink Card.
Caused Iylia alot of trouble. Sorry dude. And thankx. I appreciate you very much.
I love you man (nohomo).

We headed for ChinaTown to look at toys.
i'm considering on getting something for myself, but i don't know if its worth is.
But I feel I should get one.
Especially The Lord Of The Rings Elven Warrior Figurine.
Which cost 50 bucks. :)
I really like it. I'm a fan.

Met shye and Aizat for dinner at CWP. We headed for the arcade for some entertainment.
And then we headed for Zat's crib. To chill lah what else.

Currently, I have NO plans for today.
And the holidays are getting boring.

~

Hm, alot of things have been bothering me lately.

Hm. They say we "Forgive and Forget".
I can bring myself to forgive sincerely, but I can never forget.
How can I? Is it fair for me to forget. How can I...
One thing I value most is experience, and from there I learn not to fail. A friend once asked me " mat, would you want to know how it feels like to be born in a rich family?" and I could only object. I would rather be born in a poor family and work my way up. I just don't want to be a person who has " everything but nothing". Whats with the wealth and fame when you can't even fulfil Allah's commands. Prayers? fasting? charity?
I feel so down right now.

I wish I was brought up well since young, equipped with knowledge about my own religion, rather than being brought up throughout circular schools. Although I do go to madrasah, its just not enough and I feel so pathetic. I feel ashamed because in the end, I'll be leading my own family and with this level of knowledge and low self esteem, things might get out of hand.

Unlike those full time madrasah students, They go to madrasah each day learning good values, and they study Islamic based subjects, learn arabic language, the language of heaven, and at the same time, learn academic subjects like I do.
I hope they really appreciate what they are blessed with, because they are lucky. I have to take things in a very slow pace. Sometimes I don't have anyone to teach me.
I learn by myself, which is not a good thing...

You have one chance to live, so live your life to the best of it.
That was what a mother told me. Sometimes I feel life is too short and you can't do many things. And everytime I'm about to take action, i'll think twice about it. I don't want to make mistakes. But we can't avoid them. the only thing we CAN avoid are sins.

I feel that those students are really blessed.
Ya Allah, please bless them with your guidance and open up their hearts and deepen their knowledge, for they'll be the future leaders who will lead and secure a better life for others.
Amin.

Promises.
I agree that its easy to make. And its more easier to break.
We should not make promises if we cannot hold on to our own words.

I still remember.
I was there, back then. when times were tough and life was haywire.
When tears were shed and only words could explain what went through.
I was there, back then. I helped and I gave what was needed. But in the midst of it,
something happened.
Something extroadinary and beautiful.
I remember.
And promises were made.
I remember.

But distance was put inbetween, and it was the first and the last call.
And everything was gone.

I remember,..
Don't you?

Because things have changed and you got what you wanted.
And now I realized that I was TEMPORARY.
Just a backup pillar of strength for you.

If I was to lay down the promises and conversations, it'll turn into scripts.
Like i said, I can never forget..

But I hope things are great there..
I pray that Allah will always bless you..
amin.

~R@HM@T~

Ps/: I had a feeling someday, someone will come knocking into my life and make extroadinary changes. And I was right. Lets hope that it doesn't die off... for theres still a long way to go.

The letter to Glorfindel

2009-09-30T01:01:00.006+08:00

Assalamualaikum!

*beat box* - Aizat's version.

haha yea. Ya DIGGG!

Firstly, I've uploaded a new song! I like it, so I upload it.
Tune up yaw!

Ok so the past few days have been boring.
Its been all about visiting houses. So I shall not brag about it.
On Monday, I went to Cineleisure with Hafriz, Shaiful and Farhan to buy some THANGSSSSSSSSSSSS. : )
Not much activity done that day.
and before that I went to seoul garden CWP with my cousins.
It was fun:) And we headed for the arcade to race haha.

I went to the swimming complex today with shaiful( technically its yesterday because its already 1.00 am).
After that, we met Hafriz at Macdonalds to discuss about plans and stuff.
To bad we had to let go of the SUPRA bag worth SGD159.
And its dope. Period. AND its LIMITED too.
AROUND THE WORLD.
SIAPE TAKNAK SEYH.

So todays plan will be to meet Iylia at chinatown to kill china people.
HAHAHAH JOKING HAHAHAHA :):):)
I mean to go look at toys!
Halo 3 figurines.
( tell me you know Halo, Or i'll smack your face)

So really looking forward. I hope I can get myself to buy one. haha.

On a serious not,

A letter to Someone-You-Don't-Know-Who.

Dear Glorfindel(not real name),

How are you man? I really hope you're reading this because I'm having a hard time approaching you about your problem. I want to help, but you have to understand that you have to work on it. Its called "usaha", ayte?

After hearing about your problem, I kinda pity you. Everyone will go thru it one day. But one DOES need help along the way, I admit, as you can't possible do everything alone everytime. You need your friends, probably your family at times to help you along the way.

I understand that you're a hard on the outside, soft on the inside guy. You have a soft spot for kids and animals? HAHAHAHA YA DIGGGGG. But the good thing is your Agama. You try to be a good person, one who stays true to Allah, which is a good thing dude. Its good to see a person trying although you still have much to learn. You're raised throughout an academic school, but atleast you go to weekly Madrasah, and I think thats good enough.
Never try to please others for the sake of it. Even IF people critic or hate you, under the "eyes" of Allah, the truth always win. Remember that.

Hm, You told me you had a few failed relationships. and worse, a few failed ATTEMPTS. But that is nothing to be embarrassed about. EVERYONE will go thru it one day. NO ONE IS PERFECT. Everyone has imperfections, and your imperfections will perfect you.
I agree that there is nothing to be proud of a relationship when you can hold on to it, hold on to promises . But again, its a learning experience for both parties. Let it not be a downfall for you but a lesson to shape yourself better.

And the ATTEMPTS. A WORD OF ADVICE.
I learned that chances roll only ONCE. So when you see a CHANCE, DON'T LET IT GO. PERIOD. Like for example. You told me a few years back you attempted to "woo" a girl and you failed. I guess its normal because we tend to get nervous. And the attempt you took to give a namecard to a girl before was off the charts! HAHAHAHA! although you said that she might not have accepted it and didn't text you( rejection of course) you feel great, right??

BECAUSE YOU KNOW YOU TRIED. Its better to know that you've tried..and FAILED...rather then REGRET NOT TRYING FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. Who knows, that girls might have been the love of your life...? HAHA ;)
But still, if you're fated to be together, Allah will make your paths cross one day, Insya Allah.

But the recent one I can never forgive you is that you let your chance roll, TRICE after meeting the SAME GIRL on different time and place. Shes sweet and matured looking? It was coincidence that you met her a few times.
And you told me the first time, you guys exchanged looks and smiles???
And I understand you didn't make your move because it was the first time and there were people.

But after a month, you said you saw her, AND SHE RECOGNIZE YOU because she kept turning back, smiling.
Eh hello, THAT was the moment, and you blew it. And THE THIRD TIME you saw her was a few hours later, at a restaurant. and your tables were side by side.
AND YOU BLEW IT, AGAIN.
HAHAHAHAHA XD
But I understand; publicity and friends around. You can only do so much, right?

And guess what?
You can't stop thinking of her, can you?
NOW THATS REGRET MAN.

You're regretting.
And you wished that you can meet her again.
But you can't see her, even after passing by, even when you know where she works.

Haish, If I was in your shoes I'll probably cry.

But don't give up! be patient and pray. At the same time, hope and work on it.
Honesty, sincerety, patience and a good heart, i'm sure everything will turn out good.
Allah never fails to love you more than anyone else. so don't worry. if its fated, ITS FATED.

I hope this helps. Sorry If its not much, but if there is anything, holla at me son!

~Rahmat~

~

Sorry had to side track.
Those who already know, keep it to yourselves.
We don't wanna spoil the plan. Haha.

hm, i'm hungry, think i'm gonna eat now.

Updating soon i guess.

baibaii! HEEEOOOOWWWWWW!

Assalamualaikum :)

ps/: If you already know that her heart is taken, do you still want to hang around..? do you believe in mending her heart? if you do believe, then theres no stopping, right..?

The village boy

2009-09-30T00:24:00.005+08:00

This is a story.
Read it if you want to...

There was once a village boy, who led a peaceful life in a village with his parents and his younger sister.
Their family was poor, and his father could barely afford his education as he works only as a farmer. His younger sister was young, and his mother needed to take care of her. Every day after school, he would go to the fields and help his dad.
Life was tough.
But he was glad for the things that god had presented him with.
" Syukur Alhamdulillah.." he tells himself each day, because each day was better then the day before.

He had a friend in class who always envied him. It is because the village boy was far more clever and had more friends then his friend, although HE was from the rich district. So one day he went up to the village boy and said, " I hate you. And I swear to GOD that I'll make your life miserable.

20 years later, the rich boy became a merchant, a powerful man in town. He took over the town and named himself leader. People who objected him were executed.
One day, the village boy, now a man, came back from his field work to join his family.

He saw 4 bodies hanging from the ceiling.
No hands nor legs.
But a house covered in thick red blood.

He was devastated.
He had no one left to love; no one in his world.
He knelt down in front of his shabby house. He lost everything.
His loved ones.

That night he prayed,
" Dear God, please give me guidance, mend this broken heart and fill me with your strength, for this is a test; a challenge from you and to you ONLY shall I return for help, for I am weak"

The next day, dressed in white and after burying his family, he walked to main town.
He was stopped by guards, but he told them that he wanted to see their "leader" so they guided him into the hideout.

He entered a hugh building, and in the middle sat the rich man.
He bowed down to the man, in respect, because he still regard him as his friend.
The rich man returned a wicked smile.

He moved closer and sat infront of the rich man.
and he asked,

" So..was it fame or revenge?"

And on that moment his whole life flash infront of him.
The rich man was stunned.

Because it was neither fame nor revenge,
but greed.

The village man said,
" you've taken everything from me, whereas I have taken nothing from you. You have won. You have my respect."

The rich man said,
" I am sorry. Please, take my everything. My wealth and power is yours."

The village man smiled and said,
" I don't need anything. But can you give back my mother and father and sister? I miss them so much. But if you can't, can you draw your knife and take my life? so that I can see my family in heaven.."

The village man was in tears, but he knew he had done his job. he walked out of the place unharmed.

The next day, the rich man was found dead in his bedroom with a note
" Forgive me for my sins. I have killed thousands but I couldn't kill one. And the ONE had killed none but had save thousands"

~end~

Hm, sometimes, you don't get what you want.
But you have to wait and pray to Allah...
Patience.

" kerana, jika Allah tidak makbulkan doamu, maka DIA merancang sesuatu lebih BAIK untukmu.."

Believe

2009-09-26T03:08:00.006+08:00

Everyone has a choice, no doubt.
What good are promises when you can't keep to em.
What good is effort when there is no progression.

The question is.
What do you do when you're put in a spot?
How do you get out?
when you try'na do good and people only see the bad stuff?

You know whats amazing?
I realize that when people die, only then would their loved ones talk about their valiant deeds and courageous steps they've taken in life.
But when they're still ALIVE, they really don't know how to appreciate . Easy to say, take things for granted.
And thats life.
But I really don't understand why.
The only thing I can think of if Ego.

Not to shoot at anyone, but I just want to share something I learned.

The disadvantages of being a MELAYU.

1) the word "MELAYU" has the "layu" in it.
Meaning WEAK. Lets face it. Thats reality.

2) We get too cocky when we get a little. We just can't push ourselves further. The mentality of " yessa! I got a B!" but you don't aim for an A.

I guess thats the same as taking things for granted?

Whatever we plan, might not work the way we think it would.

I wonder why.
Why its easier to see the bad side of people than the good.
Why we cherish and care and love those with us, beside us,

But not give the same treatment to those BEHIND and INFRONT of us.
Those who are pushing and pulling us to reach our limits.

Just like construction workers.
When a building is completed, it looks magnificent.
People will ask " who is the grand architect?"

Will they ask who built the building?
Who built the foundations? who shaped the cornices and tiles?

Why do the architect get the credits?
when the workers are the ones who shed blood and sweat and tears to rise the building from the ground?
Without the workers, who would want to build the shitload?

THEY are the ones who actually broke the human physical barrier, under hard conditions.
The ones who uses their brains more.
Who uses logic and thinking beyond your expectations.
And they doing it for us.
Humans.

But why are they looked upon differently?
aren't we all equal?

If we were running for our lives, would we turn back to save those behind us? or do we just save those already with us?

Its all concept.

I thought that we should understand each other better.
Not for the sake of sympathy.
If we don't believe, then how would things work?
Are we too occupied with other things? that we don't have time for others? To hear them? to let them share what is needed?
To know what they need, from US..?

We watch men and women and children die on TV, the news, radio.
And we go " oh my god....this is terrible.."

What I usually hear is " kesiannye...tsk..tsk..tsk.."

And then we go mad. Because of the cruelty of war.
But why are we not doing anything?
Why are we still enjoying our lives at it is when thousands are dying out there?

Because we have no power?

Yea,sadly, that is the reality.

But one thing for sure.
Everyone has a choice.
and you cannot fail in Life,

Unless you quit.

If we want to do something deep down from our hearts, we will do it regardless of what people think of us, weather we're rejected, objected, looked down upon.
Even when we're alone.
We keep on going.
we keep on fighting.

But the real question is,

What ARE we fighting for..?

What keeps us going?
What makes us patient and wise individuals who will stop at nothing?

I am this. Still is.

And I feel that those who already gone thru this phase, and value the experience and knowledge,
will feel the same thing.

I guess we need to believe.
And others lack one ability that you might have already mastered but didn't know all along,

The ability to look at things beyond one perspective.
To look at ALL perspective.

I am not trying to boast.
It is what I feel, based on observation and experience.

because If YOU have gone thru it,
You will agree.
You will know.
You will consider other people's feelings.
You will think trice.
You will plan 12 steps ahead.
You will not judge.
You will not assume.
You will not blame.
You will not point a finger.
You will be confident.
You will not be harsh.
You will never fight,
Nor will you lay a finger.
violence will never exist in your vocabulary,
But words will be your savior.
You will not ORDER, But you will teach.
And you will guide,
Because patience is your strength,
and courage is your best weapon.

~

I learned,

That making a million friends is not an achievement,
But the real achievement is to make ONE FRIEND,

who will stand by you when a million are against you.

The ones who will finish the fight.

Take care.

Ps/: And I don't want to lose that friend... :/

Spartans again nikkuh!

2009-09-23T18:26:00.002+08:00

They're the dopest thang on the planet.
I mean not our planet, but THEIR planet...

The picture explains itself clearly.
I'm in "awe" everytime I look at these dudes.

*Hormat Senjata*

Anyways, school has been a good learning experience lately. Learned alot of good stuff.
I won't elaborate more because I don't want this post to be draggy, especially when it comes to school.

I miss Ramadhan.
I burned half of the holy month on school. Damn.
But I still got to Qiyam for the last few days.
Alhamdulillah.

One month has passed and its already Hari Raya.
Its different this year because on the first day, my grandparents and my cousins came over to celebrate Hari Raya. Usually its at my grandparents place, but I guess they wanted a change.
And not to forget, I got free baju raya this year!
huahuahua!
I have like, four?

I mentioned to someone that, its either that what I got is my rezeki, or I look like an orphan HAHAHAHA :)
Of course its rezeki.

So yea. On the second day of Raya, a few families came over. Not a big deal. Didn't go out because most of my relatives went back to their hood(kampung) to celebrate.

Yesterday, I went to meet Harith to help deliver his books to Singapore Poly Library.
After that I was free, so I roamed around ION orchard and I bought myself new stuff.
HAHAHA!

Today wasn't a bad day either. went out with a friend in the morning and I had to go back to school to take all my project stuff because they are clearing the design studio before the next semester starts.
It was such a hassle.

OK NOW FOR THE MOST IMPORTANT PART OF TODAYS POST!!!!!!!!!!!

(maybe not)

The T.A.G supra comittee has taken actions regarding the booking/chop-ing of upcoming Supras that each of us are going to buy. As launched by HARITH(not me).
So THE THING IS, make sure you guys stick to the plan and report your chosen gear AS SOON AS POSSIBLE.

Because as for me, I'm contemplating weather I should buy a new one. Because I can't be spending alot of money on a pair of shoe.

BUT STILL, I want it :)

~

Hm, I'm in a dilemma.
Should I just stop? Mann, I hate this feeling. I feel like I'm on a train packed full of people whom I don't even know and i'm trying my best to get to know them.
Like, it takes TWO hands to clap. Not one.
Whats the point when you're trying but you see yourself as the only one interested?
Shiok sendiri, Na'mean?

From my point of view?

" It don't matter weather you're there or not. You're there because you appeared from the sky. You can try your best, I don't mind. Why should I care anyway. I got my bundle of joy already.."

Yea. Action speaks louder than words.
Correct me If I made a mistake, but honestly, I can't ESCAPE this terrible feeling.
You have no idea whats running inside me.

And guess what.
I tried explaining, and it didn't work?
If not for the person , then who can understand better?

Am I making sense?

sigh. Wish it could be better.

I'm outty.

Ps/: I hope the plan will work, ayte shye..? because that would be the best gift ever. The gift of Life :)

Spartan

2009-09-22T19:44:00.001+08:00

Just started my holidays.
Ramadhan has been a blessing.

SELAMAT HARI RAYA!

I just want to say this.
You gotta RESPECT the SPARTANS man...
Fo' real.
iylia you know what I mean nikkuh!

fasting month

2009-08-17T00:00:00.003+08:00

Hm, What Shall I do now with the gift?
It is forsaken.

Hm.
Time.

" 300 Lives of men I've walked This Earth, And Now I Have No Time"

:)

The month of Ramadhan Is coming. yessa!

Speaking of which, I still remember an incident, Inside the masjid.
Men waited for Friday prayers, amongst them, a group of friends.

*Translated to English*

Friend 1: Haha, it feels scary wearing Supra to Friday prayers, dude. Luckily
I brought along a plastic bag for safekeeping.

Friend 2: Yea. Good for you bruh. Haha I can imagine alot of people stepping
on your shoe as you go about today!

Friend 2: EH! EH! picture this; Imagine you did not bring a plastic bag, and we
Cannot pray at the second floor because there are many
people and we have to pray at the first floor.

Friend 2: Then, as you are about to go off, a blind man with a walking stick
steps on your shoe as he make his way out. There you go.
HAHA! dirt marks on your shoes, mayne!

Friend 1: IF THAT HAPPENS, I'LL TAKE A KNIFE AND STAB HIM FROM THE
BACK, LIKE THE ASSASSIN'S CREED GAME DUDE, HAHA!
(In a joking manner)

Friend 2: Haha dude, I think you might not even get the chance to strike; it might
be too late. He might have been a Malaikat(angel) ...
(smiles)

Friend 1: *stunned* ~Praise Allah the Almighty~
Yea dude.... he might have...

Haha. Amazing isn't it.
We might have come from different places, but everyone is equal.

I can't imagine if that conversation was to take place during the fasting month.

Whats the deal, the link?
Haha.
:)
God bless us all.

Hopefully this year will be a better year than before. :)
Amin.

May peace be upon you.
FEAR NO DARKNESS!
HAHAHAHAHA :)

Ps/: Thank you................. :')

Memories, guilt, servitude

2009-08-06T23:08:00.003+08:00

Hm.
If you have already watched Harry potter, they have the ability to transfer part of their memory into the memory cauldron(?) or something like that. Correct me if I'm wrong.
And speaking of memories, this one flashed in my mind when i was on the way home,

-Factory
-Madrasah Uniform
-Friday, money collection for Masjid
-Polar
-Rite Pizza

And a long walk home..

*pause*

I once had a talk with a friend about first impressions. How their body language, what they wear, their looks, doesn't really tally with their inner beauty; the sincerity, honesty and the true love that a person have deep inside. At first, a person might look kind by the actions, sweet by the looks, but i guess those are all assumptions we make on sight and it will last so long only until you know the person's true nature.

Evil? Greedy? selfish? Etc.
We can only know a person's true nature, their personality, especially our loving partner, ONLY when we are married to them.
Scary? Yea.

So imagine if you are already having problems, or have already "uncovered" the darkside of your partner, what would it be like when you are married to that person? It could be negative or positive, but it all depends on how you go about things.

C'mon. ANYONE can walk around acting all nice and confident and portray a positive image of themselves towards others.
Na'mean?

And you can call someone a bad person when you have witnessed his/her actions or just simply know that the person goes around doing bad stuff.
BUT is it true that a person who only portrays his/her "good" side and keeps quiet most of the time are the worse ones because you can't SEE their negative, "dark" side?
Maybe? Maybe not.

~

Guilt.
Can anyone live their lives knowing that they have done wrong and still move on pretending it didn't happen?
Can anyone live with guilt?
Can you bump onto someone and walk away without feeling the guilt of hurting that person?
Can you just ditch someone and pretend it didn't happen?
Can you not look back after saying goodbye to a friend whom you won't see for a long time, knowing you have alot of things to say even when the words won't come out?

I can't.
but some people can.

~

Meeting my homeys tomorrow.
Hopefully tomorrow will be a good day, Insya Allah.

~

Ps/: You make a good pretender.

Dreams

2009-08-01T00:28:00.002+08:00

You've done it again.
Thankx.

guess what?
I had a dream.
In my dream, I went to this paradise, and I saw the FUTURE.
I saw alot of positive and also negative things that COULD happen in the future.
It was some scary shit.

Just one thing, when i saw MY future, it wasn't the same as what i thought my future would be in the real world, Na'mean?
But I guess its good.

yea its good.

I hope all the scary, negative things won't actually happen, because its an illusion,
just a dream.
And I'll pray that all the good, happy, positive things will come true,
Insya Allah :)

Guess all you want.
FO' REAL MAN, FO' REAL!!

~peace~

Ps/: Dreams can be true, right..? :/

Accusations

2009-07-21T00:34:00.001+08:00

Yea.

" Its hard for you to live your life with your questions unanswered..."

I hate accusations.
Especially. Blind accusations.
Fuck it. I'm always the one doing the WRONG things, right?

Yea thats right. I DO the wrong things.
And if you can't live and co-exist with it, then be away.
I ALWAYS give a choice when its right.

YOU HEARD?!

I have enough on my hands already.

Harry potter rocks

2009-07-19T18:56:00.002+08:00

Yea. We watched Harry Potter And The Half Blood Prince on Friday night. It was good.
Before that, went to Youth park for a little Jamming session/rehearsal.
Took pictures and went around site for project.

I just received my new Handphone shell from Harith. It looks good.
BUT THEN,

Haha, nvm. Im happy already. Thankx dude.
Thankx to T.A.G for the awesome Friday.
Get well soon Zat.
Will be busy. I guess.

:)

Disappointment

2009-07-18T12:47:00.004+08:00

This really sucks.
When it is really important, things just turn their back on you.
And now my mind has switched from " serious discussion" mode to
" Jeez. Fat hope. Probably for a next time too" mode.
Haha but it has happened alot of times within my clicks. Na'mean?

what a turn out.
I guess things just don't go the way you planned.

These are the kind of things that really pierces the heart. Khnumsayin'? That cold feeling that follows? Disappointment? Yet again I got only myself to blame.
angry? No. Just sad though.
Yea I suck.

Lesson learned.

I shouldn't be writing all this bullshit at all.
But then again, who to turn to, huh?

Rehearsal it is then. Youth park.
ok go~

jakson oh Jackson

2009-07-07T14:17:00.003+08:00

Just here to update a new song.

I want you back- Jackson 5

C'mon, we know the deal, Na'mean?
Will never get tired of this song.

Got work to do.
The high fever is making me frustrated.

Lost everything

2009-07-01T00:49:00.003+08:00

You know the feeling, when you come home after a hard days work, only to find that you are in for more troubles when all you just want to do is smile and rest.
Put it this way,
ever watched any movies or read stories where it involves a hard working man going thru all kinds of shit in his life and he is struggling so hard to take care of his family and satisfy the needs of the people around him, only to find that he is seriously misunderstood and because of that he doesn't feel appreciated.
Like the feeling you'll get when you during your birthday party, none of your friends came?

That feeling, that very heavy feeling inside..? That makes your legs wobble and cold for a moment and your heart just feels like its shrinking?

YEA, THAT IS WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW.

Lost everything.
I should have left it the way it was.
What a fool I was to even try to make things better.
Because it turned out to be worse.
Why the hell am I even trying so hard..
Why try so hard to make everything better..?
care, love..? Friendship.?

AND TODAY, we were briefed and my group had to do a case study on NEW YORK.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW A SInGLE SHIT ABOUT NEW YORK.
Except maybe the statue of Liberty and king Kong...

PEACE OUT LAAAAAAAAA

Stay true to my words

2009-06-28T13:55:00.002+08:00

When you have to sacrifice everything else for the sake of your future, for the benefit of GOOD itself. When you have to back yourself up alone and go through disappointment and anger and frustration, save the pressure of school.
When you yourself knows what you are doing and you know it'll be good and you hold on to your Faith and Hope that everything will be alright, everything will be balanced,
and it takes you a great amount of Courage and Wisdom to do extraordinary things just to go the extra mile.

When persuading even with the smallest details, when you try to explain anything and everything
and every word that comes out from your mouth doesn't seem to make any sense at all.
Sorrow and Anger blinds us all in many ways, unseen by your own eyes.
~

Like what I tagged Zat,

Keen are your eyes, sharper than a golden eagle
Being wary of your surroundings, neither selfish nor feeble
More keen are the eyes, your friends have upon you
For they spot your mistakes, unseen by your TWO

And to Zat, sorry in anyway. But I do appreciate you coming down just to accompany us; anger does blinds us all. But I doubt you know what I went through for friendship sake.
Do study well and may you pass with flying colours, and I mean it.
God bless you.

~

I know I don't have a hundred, nor a thousand, nor millions behind me.
I only have a good bunch of friends behind me. And if not for them I will not be what I am today.
I do not blame upon those who do not understand. For it takes a great deal of a mind to look at it from all perspectives.
Only GOD knows what I'm doing,

And it is HE who I have not asked for help most in the darkest hours.
What kind of person am I?

I know it is hard now. Hard for the rest, more hard for me.
But I believe that every single one will be relieve of their doubts, nonetheless.
Everything will be alright.

For when every word comes out from my mouth, God's will, I try my best to stay true to them.

Movie

2009-06-27T16:05:00.008+08:00

What a great day to end the week.
You know, I've been looking forward to the movie outing, like for so long.
last time, everyone was so anxious to watch together. Like go as a group.
I took the planning into my own hands when one of them said he'd be watching with his family.
Understandable.
I was really looking forward to it and to avoid disappointment, I planned ahead. Then one more didn't one to go all of a sudden. Understandable. The other whom I respect, was willing to watch THREE times; to keep his word.
COINCIDENTALLY, he called me and asked whose not going on Saturday, and there were a few. He had a extra ticket and I swore, I could have took the offer and go with him and his class and end it there.
But no. Because it was a group outing, I held on to my words. I asked him to phone another.
AND surprisingly, that guy took the offer.
I think i know why.
It was because I asked Hafriz to phone him because he specifically said " WHOSE NOT GOING ON SATURDAY" and I assumed everyone else was going.
I understood he had too much work and a submission on Monday, which I understand very well.

I was pissed off a bit. Who wouldn't. I wanted you to come with us. One moment you said you don't wanna go. Next moment you did. What would others think? like you try'na abandon the plan when everyone else looks forward to go as a group? But I wasn't mad.
Coincidentally, you were at CWP. And I knew you want to watch to but you can't because of work. Alot of work. I understood and whats done is done. I wasn't mad.
Yet.

One of us wasn't watching with us also.
Done.
So left only three people,including me.
I was excited because HE had attachment and because of him, the plan shifted to a Saturday, because HE wanted to. We hardly see this guy for the past two weeks and we understood his status.
Three people. I thought it wouldn't be so bad.
Then, the other guy said he is going with his cousins.
And I know from that moment on, he wouldn't care if the plan doesn't go as planed. Who will? It is human nature because what will you have to care about when you already watched it? And when you don't even have the money for the second round? you will be half-hearted.
Like " haiya, what for go again..go with 3 people only, boring sia...and I got no money..forget it la.."

Am I right?

Your actions. Actions speak louder than words. I had to hit my pockets and paid a portion, but I didn't mind.
so he went with his relatives. Done. But he said he is going on Saturday.
I was glad that time.

Then people started to get irritating.
started giving spoilers. I didn't really mind because, but what would you have felt if you were in my shoes? You'll feel like your friends are not giving you the respect.
Just kept quiet.
Waited patiently for Saturday.

And today came. 3 people came and watch. and suddenly that guy came with his friends from nowhere. they might have met somewhere or something so I didn't judge.
and after the movie, the thought of spending time with the two of them was wasted.
One said he had to go home quickly to take care of his brother.
What the fuck.
from what I remember, you called your mom the day before and informed that youll be out today. And you PROMISED you'll be free like so free after Noon.
Then suddenly you ditch me. You just gave an excuse and ditch your fucking friend, WITH YOUR OTHER FRIENDS.
lets try and jump into conclusions then.
Hm, maybe go home and invite your other friends..? Play soccer?
The facts just add up.
a promise is a promise. And it seems like you're good at breaking them.

And the other?
HE HAD TO GO HOME AND STUDY. EXAMS ON MONDAY.
But didn't when there were 2 to 3 weeks of holiday.
You left because there wasn't much entertainment anymore.
Because " have to study" is a strong fact that i can never overlap with another excuse.
Because that other guy left and it was you and me and between exams and me you chose exams, something I would have done too.

But not today. I wouldn't have done that today in those circumstances.

And today ended up so well. Like it all has been planned.
Hit me straight in the face.

If not for that attachment guy, I wouldn't have changed the movie date to saturday and went on Wednesday. And called that good friend of mine to watch with that guy and his class. BECAUSE THERE WERE SEATS AVAILABLE.
I would have gone on Wednesday with Harith and Hafriz.
I wouldn't have spared a thought for anyone else. With or without money, I could have gone with no care at all.

If only I knew you'd be going with your relatives.
If only I knew you'd turn your back on me with an excuse when you promised me, even after I waited until you finish your attachment.

So tell me. what wrong have I done.

I should have known.
Why did I even care.
This is what people get when they are to patient and too nice.

Half didn't go because they went with their families.
I wish my relatives or whosoever had asked me out earlier. I wish they were as good as your family.

Label me the selfish idiot for planning out this shit ok.

"kite yang merancang, Allah yang menentukan. "

rhymes

2009-06-26T22:41:00.004+08:00

Judging by the strength of the T.A.G crew
A thousand men can't knock our helmets askew
letting fate decide our path, from the bottom we flew
ascending towards the stars, the sun and the moon.
Walking amongst the shadows, silent but swift
Wise against the faithless, no beefy beef
So stop hating, bad mouthing, trippin'
before we T.A.G push you off the cliff.

peace.
transformers, here we go.

The girl; his last hope

2009-06-16T17:04:00.005+08:00

Ever tried to tell someone something but you just can't because the time and situation isn't right? Moods keep fluctuating?
The other wouldn't listen?

At times when it is crucial?

When you put all your hopes on that single individual, only to feel discarded at times?

When you just want to share but you just can't?
Afraid of the consequences, rejection, or an uncommon opinion?

You know, we can't keep EVERYTHING to ourselves.
Especially me. I'm not that type.
There are some things that needs to be let out.

But WTH.
WHAT THE HELL.

Imagine standing alone, going against a million,
and you know that a million are against you.
But you just feel you gotta do it.

na'mean?

Isn't it better if its the other way round..?

In other words, this is difficult.
sigh.

Today's the day. Today's the day.

Dear God

2009-06-14T22:34:00.005+08:00

Uploaded a new song.
Dear God By Avenged Sevenfold.

This is the sweetest, cutest thing I've seen so far.
Fuck the comments on your video kids.
Your dad would be so proud of you.
Was almost into tears watching the video.
You definitely touched my heart.

Dear God, the only thing I ask of you
Is to hold her when I'm not around, when I'm much too far away
We all need, that person who can be true to you
But I left her when I found her and now I wish I'd stayed
Cause I'm lonely and I'm tired, I'm missing you again oh no
Once again..

Some search, never finding a way
Before long, they waste away
I found you, something told me to stay
I gave in, to selfish ways
And how I miss someone to hold
When hope begins to fade..

I hope you understand.

And to shye who just reached the coast of North Korea,
Glad you are safe..
We miss you back home man..
Keep it strong..read the book.
We are closer to you than you think.

In our Hearts.

jamming session

2009-06-13T00:47:00.004+08:00

I have linked whoever I should have linked earlier.
My apologies.
I was busy.
:)

Afeeq belo and Maryam ayam, don't complain ok...heheheh XD

Haha. And Afeeq can start considering my opinion muahahaha.
Please dude, for once, listen to me man...HAHAHA XD

AND ALSO,

I have uploaded a song.
Party In Your Bedroom by Cash cash.

Yea. I want to share a cute song.
My friends say that it is a cute song.
I just find it catchy LOL.

You can turn it off if you don't like.
HAHAHAHAHA XD

Nothing much to update.
Except I'm disappointed in something.
Will blog more sooner or later.

My Two weeks of holiday is finally here. I'm still not happy because we have to get our portfolios
ready when school reopens.
I'm already bored and tired from all the assignments.
I want a break, Na'mean?

Anyways, I might be jamming at my uncle's crib today in the afternoon. Heard that he got himself a drum set and two guitars for family entertainment. HAHA. So I might be going with my cousins.

Take care Ya'll.

~Shes a Dwelling Place for Demons.....~

Belugalugaluga

2009-06-10T20:39:00.009+08:00

Just came back from the library. Gosh. I have to finish my assignment by FRIDAY.
MUST BE PRETTY COOL AYTE?!
I will probably not be sleeping tonight, and tomorrow night.
Harith( I think) told me that if we don't get enough sleep, the veins in our brain will snap or something. Which is a big deal because I don't want to live like that.

cute seyhh :)
And that is not a Dolphin ok. That is a beluga whale.
One thing for sure; when you have the ability to swim underwater for a long time, you will feel free.
Free from your troubles and much of everything else.
Right feeq?

Belugalugalugalugalugaluga! AHAHAHA XD

And Feeq, If I WERE YOU, I'll consider and go out man.
Na'mean? ; )
Age is never a barrier.

Ok go~

Resident evil 5

2009-06-07T00:38:00.007+08:00

Whats Happenin' my peepoll.
Right....so I've changed to a new blogskin.
Why Resident Evil 5? Hm, I have no idea. I am a die hard fan of Resident evil and i didn't have any ideas for a new blogskin so, TADAAA!

I think Sheva is hot( the girl character) :)

So allow me to say my two cents worth about Resident evil since I have got nothing to blog about.
Its been around for quite some time. Since 1998? When Playstation first came out.
Basically its about This Umbrella Corporation and did a research on some virus which was suppose to aid humankind but it got out of hand and people began to turn into hideous zombies. Not only people of course, but dogs, birds, plants...err...cats?

HAHAHA no, cats are too cute to be part of Resident Evil :) Leave those kitties alone.

Yea, so when PS1, followed by PS2, and then XBOX, PSp, PS3, XBOX 360 came out in the following years, technically the game graphics got better and the storyline gets much more in-depth. The game continues and it gets more thrilling, with more suspense and action; good for trigger-happy people :)
We have resident evil 1, 2, 3 nemesis, 4, code veronica X, zero, survivor 1 & 2, dead aim, outbreak 1 & 2, the umbrella chronicles, the darkside chronicles, and the most RECENT one which is resident evil 5.

See how much the game expanded?
They even have 3 movies which already hit the screens.

For those horror-game fans, you'll probably like resident evil.
Haha alright enough talk! Heres a video of this dude playing resident evil 5, and i can tell you hes calm most of the time, because he already compleated the game, haha.

I really love this game, even though I haven't played it yet. Ever since Resident evil 4, they changed alot of the graphics, added more storyline and enhanced the functions in the game. As you can see, players now have a shoulder camera which is automatic when they want to fire a weapon and each weapon is equipped with a laser. So you kinda have to stand still and shoot. Which is how it has been for the past resident evil games.

And what I like most about the resident resident evil games is that you can choose to play more characters and they give you a partner like in resident evil 5, where you can play as Chris Redfield or Sheva Alomar and get the other as a partner to aid you in the game.

Man, YOU HAVE GOT TO LOVE THE GAME!

A side fact- Do you know that Chris Redfield has been around ever since the first resident evil? I wonder how old that dude is....

Alright, enough of RE5. To summarize it all, its a all rounded game for me. So fans, people, get yourselves RE5. YA DIGG?!

~~~~~~~

I have no clue on whats been happening to myself lately. Everything I have planned to do to make things better seems to get worse. Honestly, I hate being the one to be despised at, to be the one causing all the disputes and problems which will lead to more problems and fights, pain and sorrow; some inevitable.

"but what happens when you become the main, source of her pain?" - Eminem

C'mon. I'm human. Not a zombie( no link...)
There is so much I am able to do with a pair of hands.
At times when things get tough and you need everyone to work together just so that you can pull thru, sacrifices need to be made. But that doesn't mean its the end of it right?

I made prioroties because if they are not solved, it will drag on and it will spawn more problems which will pile up; something I want to avoid.

In my opinion, It looks like MY history is repeating itself...

I have no regrets in what I am doing now and what I will do in the future. I control the way I think and my actions will last for a better future. I know what I am doing.

Sometimes, when you can't get everyone to snap their fingers at the same time, you just have to do it yourself as living proof.

Its 1.30 am. Here we go.

A weeks summary

2009-06-06T16:16:00.002+08:00

This week has been hectic for me.
I have a submission next Friday.
Then, I'll have my 2 weeks of holiday.

Tomorrow, I am going to my Grandparent's crib for kenduri. They are off to Umrah, for the umpteen time , but this time, they're off with my uncle and his wife.
Did I mention that they are sponsored by my grandparents?
My grandparents are rich you know.
Its a long story. But oh well, Its their luck, i guess :)

Which means? My cousins are free for a whole 2 weeks! And since I'm having my holidays, i can crach their crib for fun and games. Probably sleep over and gamble.

haha just joking. :)

C'mon, I need a break too. Na'mean?
Ask Harith how many breaks he have from work.
Haha.

Speaking of which, I need to get a few things;

-Jeans
-Supra
-skateboard trucks
-A new shirt

Yea. HOPEFULLY, I can buy all those stuff. :)
Anyone wanna sponsor?

Ok take care ya'll. I'm going to eat.

Ps/: Swimming is not the same without you, shye. Take care and may Allah always guide you.

a weeks events

2009-05-31T16:45:00.002+08:00

Man, I'm feeling heavy and bored.
Maybe its due to the fact that we have been doing so many things for the past few days that i hardly get sleep.

Just had my lunch and yea I'm blogging.
I'm just gonna recap on what happened for the past few days.

Thursday
I had to do my AUTOCAD assignment. I did it the previous day already at home(after safely installing it in my desktop) and I saved it so I can do some last min changes in school. I reached school at about 9.30 am. I was sleepy; didn't get much sleep. So I started to edit my assignment. I had trouble with the 'complex profiling" shit and it cost me alot of valuable lesson time. At 12 pm, we all had to leave the Cadlab because there is a class coming in. Farid and I were bumped because we did not have any laptop with us to finish up our assignment. We had to tour the whole design school to look for available computer rooms. We finally settled down and we did our assignments. Helped Firman to do some of his annotations. Anad when we we though the day was going to be over, FARID kicked the wires at the bottom of the monitor and the computer shut off. Lost all of Firman's editted work. Had to do it. Haha it was funny, but I felt quite frustrated too. I'm not angry or whatsoever. Haha being with Farid, everything is a joke la. We went " SIAL AH...BODOH PE KAU....AHAHAHAHA" and I really can't help but to laugh despite all the frustration, because it was late afternoon and I was really-really tired.

So we did our assignments and we finished at about 6. Saved into a CD and we made hardcopy. Left school and I had to meet my friends to collect money for jamming session tomorrow.
And that REALLY made my day worse because people won't even pick up the phone when someone calls ( please throw your handphones in the rubbish bin ok.. ) . I was pissed off so i went home to clean up and eat. Met Farhan and hafriz at the library to get their money, then i went to Harith's crib to pass him our money. By then, it was about 9.30 pm, so I took my time to reach home since I got no work. Saw someone in the bus. :)

Friday
Went to school and I was LATE. I woke up late and i reached at 9.30, JUST IN TIME for submission. had a quick breakfast and we continued lesson. After class ended, my clicks and I chilled at the studio and then we went for our Friday prayers. I went straight to farhan's crib because I was told that there were 4 boxes of pizza and his mum wants us to have it. HAHAHAHA it really made me happy! met Iylia there, so we started the feast! :)
Harith came, followed by farhan, then afiq and Hafriz. 2 slices of pizza and a drink made me full but i just had to take more, Haha. can't resist pizza.
At 6.30 we left for our jamming session. Had a great time. After our jamming, we went back to Woodlands to have our dinner at MacD and we met Hafriz's Mum, Dad, and brother, Hakim. Ate and talked crap the whole time. Afiq, Idris and I got into a conversation about terrorism, guns and discovery channel (don't ask). We all went home at 11.30. I was tired, so after i cleaned up, i went to sleep...

Saturday
The BIG day. Woke up and got myself prepared. I went to Hafriz's crib and afeeq was already there. Played with Hakim and did some magic tricks on him :)
We went out at 12 nn and met Aizat in the bus, followed by Iylia and Harith at the interchange. Iylia waited for Idris so we headed for the Arts house first. Met Mas Diana and Farhan ( hehehehe..) at the MRT platform. Got there an hour later. Did registration and shit, and we chilled around, went to the nearby Starhub carnival and stuff. Hafriz's friend, shiela, came tagging along. The event started at about 3.45pm. I was excited when Hafriz and afeeq performed; really proud of them.
They didn't win. I was quite disappointed because quite alot of people said that we had a good chance to win. But it wasn't ours to take, na'mean?
I am proud of my friends. We achieved exposure after performing, which is one thing that we've been dying to achieve for a long time. That is something big to take home.
right?
Its a first time. There is still a second. and a third, and so on..
so why worry? Haha.

Did I mention that Hafriz and Afeeq's family and some friends were there too? yea. Great support. I thank them alot. :)

We had our dinner at MacD. Joke around and I actually ate alot :)
I ate Hafriz's fries, mas diana, Afeeq, and shiela's. I love fries.

Went home after that, but Hafriz, Afeeq, Harith and I went to CWP's MacD to chill out. We stayed until 1 am, and we kinda got ourselves into deep shit, because the last bus was at 12.50 am and Harith didn't leave his bike at CWP. So he had to walk all the way to Marsiling, which would be cruel of us to ask him to, so he followed Hafriz to borrow some money to take a cab home, since me and Hafriz live near CWP. :) Poor thing...

Again, when I reach home, I was tired..so I went to sleep...
What a long day, yesterday...

Yea so thats about it. Doesn't look like a recap after I've re-read my post , haha.

~
Hm, I got a say here.
If you look at a someone from one perspective, your perspective, you'll think that that someone is selfish and arrogant and all the negative thoughts will come into mind when things don't go well between you and that person.

But the THING IS, you HAVE to look in a different angle, Na'mean?
Like for example, I used to think that after Afeeq entered poly, he will change and forget his friends, especially us, because everytime I text him or ask him out, he will ALWAYS be busy.
I thought he is trying to avoid me or something.
But it turned out that he is really busy. He has got a CCA and his studies to juggle, and us and his family. I undersotod as soon as I knew the facts and I wasn't overjudgemental after that. Because like anyone else, he had to priotitise the important things first.

You know what? I wish I wasn't THAT busy. My cousins are having their school holidays now and i'm really excited, because we usually have sleepovers and we have family outings; something that RARELY happens in my circle of family. But I'm only starting my holidays after two weeks.

Can anyone understand what I am going through right now?
Harith always told me that he got this and that because he is busy and I always hear,

" But dude, I put alot of thought about it and decided that my school work is more important and I have to prioritise it first.."

Something like that. You see, if he got no work to be submitted soon or he got less work in his hands, i am sure that he'll join us in our small activities, like swimming, or go play pool, or go to the movies. And to be honest, I had a hard time getting used to it and I ONLY understood what he is going through when I got myself landed with schoolwork which keeps stacking up.
I really respect him, because I think he is wise in making in his decions( sometimes... haha).

To put aside everything else JUST so that you can get your work done quick because you have a submission to do, can be either selfish or the opposite. But it all DEPENDS on the situation.

Tuesday, 26 May. we sent Shaiful off to Australia at the aiport. Harith and Afeeq weren't there BECAUSE they were busy. If Harith came with the rest of us to send Shaiful off, his work with Aizat, which is due THE NEXT DAY, would have gone down the drain and they might have failed their presentation. Harith chose to stay at home to finish his work and he asked us to send his regards to Shaiful. I even called him to update him on whats happening at the airport.
He felt bad for not sending Shaiful off because our friend will be gone for a year.
But he had to priotise work first. I understood because he was thinking long-term. If he did not do that, it will affect him, and probably Aizat in the future. I'm sure it will.

This part is not intended to diss anyone ayte? I just used that incident as an example.

So, if anyone wants to be judgemental in whatever I do? Then by all means, please do.
I don't ask for sumpathy or shit.
I just need people to understand.

And if you think you know what it means by understanding, then good for you.

Because action speaks louder than words.

And to shaiful who is out there, somewhere near the coast of australia and on his way to South Korea,
I will pray for your safety. We really miss you man. I go swimming alone now and it really feels different without you. I miss pooling, swimming, chilling out and eating at banquet with you, Shaiful. Your family misses you and so does Farhan's mum and grandmother and everyone else. Please read the book I gave you and read the book we made specially for you when you are scared or feel lonely. When you make port next two weeks and you happen to read this, please contact home. :')

Love you bro.

Ps/: Call me and i'll be there. Within my will. :)

DA'SHOCASE 7

2009-05-24T20:10:00.006+08:00

Aye-A-Aye-A-Aye-A-Aye!
T.I is no longer in power !

Haha ok just kidding. Maybe he is STILL in power; but not as powerful as T.A.G.

HAHA JUST KIDDING XD

Alright people. Time to update my shitty blog; and there is something worth updating for.

DA'SHOCASE 7 ! T.A.G is participatin' ! We thought that it'll be god for us and it'll be fun. There is tough competition and it'll be tense; theres no tellin' whose gon' win or lose.

LIKE THATS IMPORTANT XD

The important thing is that we put in our best effort, right? :)

Its all happenin' at the ARTS HOUSE on 30 May, Saturday, from 3pm-8pm.
TICKETS ARE SOLD AT 8 DOLLARS!

Please, show us your support by coming down1 If you want to get tickets, DON'T HESITATE TO CONTACT :-

Rahmat - starsdx12@hotmail.com
Hafriz - fr33z0@hotmail.com
Harith - harith360@gmail.com

OR ANY OTHER T.A.G MEMBERS!

Or you can visit our blogspot, ayte? The link can be found,

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

XD

SUPPORT LOCAL TALENT! I believe that each of us have our own talent, am I right? so if we do not support local talent, who will?

SO COME DOWN YA'LL! SUPPORT US!

XD

Bonus- Need a DISCOUNT for your ticket?

Win a freestyle rapping against Frizzay, Inferio or BigD - 2 dollars off
wear SUPRA apparel or shoe - 3 dollars off
Call Harith's crib - FREE!

XD

Haha alright. Enough of the event.

waddup ya'll

2009-05-18T23:46:00.002+08:00

WHATS HAPPENIN' MY PEOPLE.

Ok lets get down to serious stuff.

I apologize if i've not been updating my blog for a long, long time. It is because i am busy.
Hahaha.

Right.........

Alot of things been going on lately; i'm just keeping myself to myself. If ya'll want more details on recent events, please go visit Aizat(Big D), Harith, or Afeeq's blog.

But they too, are keeping themselves to themselves sometimes :)

I WILL UPDATE PROPERLY LA OK.

peace out.

And i will remove the song thats been playing 30 seconds :D

Amirah's ego

2009-05-05T01:54:00.003+08:00

Quite alot of essays to do. School has been quite slack this past few weeks.

Want to know what i think?
I think that if we can put aside our ego, things might turn out better then we expected.
Whats the point of running away from the truth when it is already written all over you?

The truth is all I need. I need not explain myself to no one. Those who can understand the situation, does not need further explanation, if ya know what i mean.
Whats there to talk about anymore?
Things already happened.

Try to run away from it when everyone else thinks you're the main source of the pain?

Please put a stop to it.

Its no use.

You can never live a lie. Maybe for a moment, but not forever.

Siape makan chilli, dialah terase pedasnye. ( Harith's line, Na'mean?)

Ps/: Why be selfish about yourself? speak your mind if it makes you feel better.

You

2009-04-24T02:14:00.002+08:00

I think i'm going to pretend.

It sucks when you gotta give in in your most desperate situations.

Just hope this ain't one of those times.

AND BY THE WAY.

To Harith, we have two deals here man.

Deal # 1 : Its about you know what and what you gon' do to it soon, if you remember..?

Deal # 2 : Its about YOU KNOW WHO. I've been thinking about this ever since you told me and dude, i am not gettin' over it, i swear to God. The only way is that i, Rahmat, go THERE, and do what is necessary ( you know what is necessary right?) and see with my own two eyes.

AHHHH.

C'mon man, C'MON. C'MON MAN C'MON!!!!!!!!!!!!

This thing clouding my mind everyday. Every moment. Almost every person( in specific) i see, i will think of it.

NA'MEAN.

Ps/: Fuck shit. I ain't braggin'. Excitement, woohoo!

Bastard

2009-04-22T01:50:00.002+08:00

This is just gettin' plain frustrating and annoying.
I thought things have changed.
I hope all of it was not for nothing.
Or else it would seem like our energy and efforts have gone to waste.

I hope this is not a Hit and Run shit, like when a driver hits a pedestrian or a cyclist and runs away with it and doesn't take into account for what he or she has done.

Na'mean?

Lost for words.
My mind is not in a good status.

Bootleg

2009-04-20T20:05:00.003+08:00

No comments.
It just didn't go my way.
Guess it was on the wrong time.

Bootleg.
Period, Na'mean.

Can't afford another failure. Some of ya'll may know what the deal is here ayte.

Ps/: Always gets pushed to a spot. S'not just bout you. We don't race to be selfish if we can compromise.

My life

2009-04-05T17:03:00.003+08:00

Lets get this straight.
think its better to tell the whole world, don't you think..?

I'm 18 years old. Going 18.
I have two foster kids at home and i have parents who doesn't even care how i do in school and ALL they know is paying for me to school.
I start my work at 10pm or 12pm each night because i have to wait for the kids to sleep. They WILL disturb and i find it hard to concentrate and my parents can't even bother to help me with them.
And after i start my work, i will get MORE frustrated and stressed out because depending on the amount of work i have, i can know weather i'll be getting sleep or not. Well, most of the time, i don't.

Happy? Yes. Very.

The only sole reason i go to school is to look forward to meeting my friends.
Want to know why?
I guess you already knew.

i've got my family, my friends, my school and the least of all, MYSELF to worry about.

With school, i have barely enough money to spend on the things i want.
even to go out with my friends.
I really don't find it easy...or FUNNY.

i barely have TIME for myself.
I find that i don't have TIME to even go visit my cousins, go see my grandparents and ask weather they're ok, go skateboarding, play videogames.

i suppose i can put that all aside huh?
I suppose i have to just put aside part of my life as a sacrifice for other things.
Fair for me, aite?
I suppose i can just text my cousins and grandparents every week and not see them, right?
And i suppose if they're on their death beds, i can just text them saying i can't be there and i'm sorry and say what the hell i want to say, thru the text message?

I don't think anyone has the right to talk about ME except this guy who i dare to even speak his name.

Harith.
Lets talk about him.
I know this guy since secondary 1 and we've been very close ever since.
We're like brothers.
All i can say is, he knows how my mind works( most of the time), he know WHAT i like( in general) and he can even read me, my mind, even without asking questions.
Even if i try to hide things from him, he'll find out, sooner or later.
Its hard to explain, but if you're me and you have a friend like him, you'll understand.

And this guy has all the right to talk about me because we very well know each other.
And this cannot be explained thru words.
You really got to be part of our lives to understand what i'm trying to convey here.

And i would like to mention to ya'll something about him.

If its not a holiday, he'll be VERY VERY VERY busy with tons of school work.
he doesn't even have the time to get sufficient sleep, to have long breaks, to go out and enjoy.
because i know that he HAS got alot of things to do during school days.
He rarely joins me and our friends to chill after school, or meet me at a certain time..

Because he has got no spare time.

I know this very well because we're both design students.
the only exception is that the life as an architectural student THERE, if more tedious than the life i'm having in MY school.

You think i will have ANY TIME FOR ANYTHING, if i'm in HIS SCHOOL? Doing the same shit he is doing?

Seriously, I'm glad my life is ABIT better than his.
And i hope you can be grateful for that..
and be grateful that i'm still living..

Its just not easy living the life i'm having now.
Having to juggle alot of things to satisfy the needs of others, to keep them happy and hold on to each of them dearly.
It is not easy.

I guess the only way is for you to really feel this is when you start school, and have another burden in life to juggle.

Even i am having problems myself. Failed a subject and theres a chance that i'm going to fail a couple more.
And you know what i hear from you when i tell you this?

" ouh its ok.... its ok to fail...you can try again.."

AMAIGOD.

Believe me, if you were to tell this to my other coursemates, they'll freak out and shit in their pants.
You know that if we fail, it means we'll have to juggle more modules in the upcoming semester?
and it also means that i'll be MORE BUSY?
And i'll have less time for others things!
MORE SACRIFICES.

and if i fail the modules again, i'll get kicked out of school?
And then what is going to happen to me? Go find another Polytechnic to accept me?
And then what? repeat the same process again?
AM I NOT IN A POVERTY CYCLE HERE?

Then whats going to happen if i don't get a job?
Now YOU tell me who will be pushing away the other then, huh?
Just please, look at the reality.

It-is-not-as-easy-as-it-seems.
Can you help me if i fail in school?
NO.NO ONE CAN. Because in SCHOOL, YOU'RE ALONE!
And the only people who can only guide you are the ones right by your side working their asses out each day!

and the only thing that is much appreciated is more time!
How i wish each day has 72 hours.

Isn't time the only thing i've been asking for..?

Did i say i was going away?
I kept stressing that i'm still here for everyone.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I JUST WANT TO GET BACK TO MY OLD LIFE FOR GOODNESS SAKE.

This is so sad. I am such a failure. I know, im always misunderstood. It has been proven alot of times.
You think i'm angry?
you're wrong.
In my heart is this feelings of sadness each day which i have to live up to.

I just want to be me. Because only then can i bring out my fullest potential.

For once, i want to be treated like a somebody and be respected for what he has done.

I apologize to Harith if i ever said anything wrong. You're the closest living person there is to a brother and you know whats going on in my life, Na'mean?
Take care.

~R@hmat~

Ps/: Not like a puppet, I don't want to be one..

grow up

2009-04-03T01:37:00.002+08:00

Holidays are here.
Yeah! -_-
Finally i can blog peacefully.

Been with the gang since Monday. Biking, and our usual swimming.
Recording, T.A.G. stuff are still on.
Can't wait for later.
Meeting up with Red, Zat, Fiq, Friz.
Hm, i wish i can finish up the designs quickly.
So that we can progress and get the needed things done as soon as possible. Then, we can worry about other stuff, like...

Buying sound proof materials :)

Man, i really hope i can finish up the designs. Haha don't know what has got into me these days.
But i should not stall it any longer. The sooner it gets done, the better.
May need some approval and and more discussions, and so on.

Just to say a few words before i go ;

Dude, you seriously have to grow up man. You're spittin' shit from your mouth that doesn't even make sense. Its such an embarrassment to me because i respected you for who you are even till now. I know i shouldn't point out fingers to anyone or criticize OR start an argument but you are seriously being ridiculous. You such a know-it-all. You think you're superior towards others( i hope not towards your own friends). You think you're right, even though you're wrong, you don't want to admit your mistakes, but instead you find excuses to cover up your guilt just so you don't lose face towards your friends, right? Admit it, you're ashamed.

Grow up.

Believe me, i'm very calm as i'm typing this. I just thought that, you're such a dissapointment. I'm certainly not angry, but puzzled and amazed by your humanly behaviour. I don't have all the time in my life to look up at you. I have other better things to do. Be it that way. But you're thinking the opposite.

Grow up.

I can only shake my head as i'm typing all this crap which i think is unnecessary for a person like you. But what can i do? It the only way to teach people like you how to respect others.

Grow up.

Look, it really unnecessary for me to do this to anyone especially you. Because i still have a heart to respect you as an individual, a friend. But patience has its limits. You crossed the line. And i had to do something to ake you realize what you've done. Its no use pointing out your every mistake. Its better if you find them yourself, right? I'm afraid if this attitude or yours continues, it might not only affect me, but others as well.

But as they say, you got to learn from your mistakes. And i hope you are.

God bless you.

Side note : This message is NOT intended towards all T.A.G crew members. We doing great Na'mean?

~Rahmat flipping the cards at 2.07 am, 3 April 2008~

Ps/: Grow up like Tiffany Evans....! :)

Godforgiveme

2009-03-25T02:13:00.002+08:00

I have exactly THREE more days until my holidays.
I have to rush through a group assignment and also my 3D art fundamental assignment which is due on Thursday.
Today is a Wednesday. And i have the whole of Wednesday to get it done.
Which is possible, according to my instinct.
I have to make a 3D modal.
-1mx1mx1m-

fairly big. But i'll just pray, cross my fingers and manage it through the whole of today.

So i will be leaving at about 7 am.
Dragging along acrylic paints with me.
And also recycled newspapers.
And i also have to finish up my 3D journal by Thursday morning...

And i'm sick today.
Really-really sick. Water is dripping from my nose and im having a terrible headache which i usually have if i don't get enough rest. And i think my temperature is rising.

I have no idea on how to get through the whole day.

I went to Bugis yesterday to look for rattan for my 3D sculpture but my efforts was in vain. Si i had to change my whole concept.
Borrowed paint from Aizat.

Now i'm doing abit of my journal.But i'm stopping soon. The headache is killing me.

Just a few words to beloved ones before i go.

I realize that i've been neglecting those who cared for me, my family, relatives, grandparents, my friends...and sad to say, God.
you know, when you have piles and piles of assignments and projects in hand, you tend to forget other things easily.
You get carried away...and half the time you don't know what you're actually doing or weather you're saying the right things.
Because you can't think properly.

I can't. Not now.

And i regret for whatever that has happened.
I wish i can turn back time because 24 hours isn't enough.
i've sinned alot.

There are important things other than school and commitment and work.

I just hope i can get through with ease. And make up for whatever i've done.
I'm really moving to slow.
When i try to do things right, it ends upwrong.
sometimes, i'm just tired. I want to be selfish for once.
But that isn't my nature.

Look at what i've become to you guys.
i know i'm not too good.

Its pressure thats eating my brain.
OhMaiGod.

~Rahmat~

Ps/: I wouldnt trade them for the world, but i'll trade myself for them...

pfft

2009-03-16T21:38:00.002+08:00

Bummer.
I don't think its doing any good.
So i'm just gonna drop it after this post.

The last time i got hit, the promise was that it was a talk about the whole crew, but it turn out to be a series of questions asked directly to me, especially for me and it was a simple misunderstanding of me listening to music while going out and stuff. But there were major things happening like double crossing and stuff. You know i know.
It was a misunderstanding and i was also able to take it.

But this is a big issue.
Maybe not for you but for me.
As in my opinion?
If it continues on and people just keep quiet about it, it might drag into the future and affect you, your family and anything that has got to do with your future.
but did you see me as a person pointing out a big factor to you?
But all we can say is give in and give in?
because giving in is not enough.
You have to make changes.
Only then, and only then, will things get better and better.

I seriously have no time for this, but because it is so important?
Yea.I don't have time to find faults but i do this to stand up for what i think is right.
If this is not a way of help then don't take it in.

Does this mean that we should all just keep things to ourselves and when things happen the way we don't want it to be, we just go with the flow and just lay low, and when the time comes, we start blaming one another..?
And then we are blamed for keeping secrets and not letting it out to everyone?

If telling in person and even writing all this here doesn't do any good, then what does?
If its going to continue, then might as well we all just play pretend and go with the flow, right?

This is the shit that i just don't get.
I seriously don't get this.
A misunderstanding can lead to bigger issues but this reality can be told off and forget about.

I think i'm seriously doing a bad job.

So i'm just gonna forget about it and lay low and keep things to myself.
because thats just how it is.

My sincere apologies to friends.
God bless you guys.

Star wars

2009-03-16T03:08:00.002+08:00

I have alot of assignments to do.
I've been skipping some religious classes. Which is bad enough.
Neglect my cousins and my grandparents and you.

I will make it up when i've got the time of my life.

and by the way.

I want to thank Harith for coming down yesterday. And also on Saturday and on Friday.
Three days str8.
That is so not you.

What to look forward to?

Birthday celebration, swimming, gym, night cycling, and my cousins.

And also.

Thankx to Afeeq for the tip for Star wars Battlefront 2.
I've become a good pilot and a skilled Jedi and an excellent clone trooper.
No worries.
We should team up and play that game one day.

:)

Take care peeps and good night/morning

Ego

2009-03-16T02:04:00.007+08:00

SPORTSMANSHIP.

I only wanted to blog about some things now. I guess the wrong nerve has been struck.
For the umpteen time.

Maybe if i emphasize the word again, it can get into some people's thick skull.

SPORTSMANSHIP.

I seriously don't know what else i can do if this won't change anything. I can only laugh at.
Because it ain't doing anybody no GOOD.
I'm just to irritated and frustrated until i can't even think of new ways to make changes or make some people realize.
maybe i'm too USED to it.

All i can say is, if you want to play, you play with respect.
Because in the future, people don't entertain.

Think. Don't let your ego control you.

Am i spitting nonsense right now?
Keep reading, R2.

The next thing is about strength in numbers.

You know, when you're in a gang or a group of friends, you tend to feel CONFIDENT and BRAVE and you tend to let your shit out because you know you have back up or you just know that if anything happens, you can use your peers to help defend you. physically or verbally. You name it.

That is what everyone says. Because its a true fact. And its because of THIS FACT that makes you tend to OVERDO things or say things without thinking twice about what you're about to say.
Its because you get to carried away by your ego and there you go. Spitting out nonsense and you don't even care weather what you've just said is right or wrong because to you,
IT DOES NOT MATTER.

Its because you're always right, right?

NO? what are you thinking right now, son?

that i'm being a jerk and that i'm the one whose wrong?

Gotcha.
keep reading, and don't stop. it'll do good.

You may think now that some of us are actually finding faults with you, right?
You might be thinking " balik-balik aku, balik-balik aku....sial ah..."

right?

Think again. We, especially me, since this is my post, have no time to talk nonsense, because we DON'T talk nonsense. If you think i like doing this, then you definitely not know me well, friend.

Haha, who the hell am i to talk about others like this?

Well, easy to say, i'm just a person who'll do such things only when some people need telling off.

I've watched the development from time to time, and i must say, we tend to FORGET our places. why? because there is something in common that we're all chasing, including YOU.

Yes. i've been the one doing the watching because i'm the one doing the LEAST OF THINGS.
The rest is so called the "big guys" who does the big issues.
Admit it.
And i know its all for one and one for all, right?
hahahaha.

So i kept wondering, what kind of status do i have?
Since i'm not doing shit.

And this in in general.
When you have the power and status, you tend to have this thinking,
" Ah....so what, you not doing anything so don't talk much la...having you also won't make much difference.."

haha you may say i'm over-reacting, but i'm not.
Because thats human nature.
Not now maybe, but sooner, or later.

You know, when a nice building is completed, people will ask who is the architect, not the contractor. When a movie becomes a hit, people will ask who is the actress/actor, NOT the director.

agree?

I think i've tolerated enough already. So be it if you like it or you don't. Because if you're thinking in a wider perspective NOW, you would want to utilise what i've just wrote and make it happen.

i think my blog has been a good listener.

Why not sound it out? Because when people like me try to tell people like you, it just doesn't get in.

The malay's say "masuk telinga kanan, keluar telinga kiri"

And believe me when i say, i have tons of past evidence to back up what i've just wrote.
So don't bother dragging this anymore.
Whatever stays here, ends here.

For once, think about it.

i blog this for a good reason. i'm offended and irritated and i think its my duty to do something.

Harith once mentioned to me:

" Do you know this is actually bullying..? this is worse than physical bullying mat...and its been a long time already"

and i agree with him 1000000%.

Do you realise it or not?

Why me and him again? Always the duo.
The only reason i can say is that, we close, we are actually facing the same kind of problem, and that we're the ones who SPOT the mistakes first,

as we don't go for the FACTS first, but we go for the mistakes.

why? Because when you make a mistake, you can throw away the fact because whats the point right?
ya dig?

And we were stressed, all of us, that if we want to say something, we should say it openly.
But the problem is.

Ok the problem is the red sentence above.

I think its better because from what i've studied in school, people tend to remember what they read more than what they hear.
So yeah.

I can see the changes already, but somehow you become that old self again.
you're one good friend, and i think this will help you become a better man.
Fo'sho.

Ok lets summaries this:

Sportsmanship. Think twice. utilise what have been said/read.
Think in a wider perspective. Change for the better.
Don't suck up but stand up for yourself and whats right.
do your own thinking and make it work.

and that is how you gain maximum respect.
Fo' real.

So again. Thank you if you accidentally bump into this.

~Rahmat flipping the cards at 2.50 am, Monday 16 march, 2009~

Ps/: Don't think about having another conner-up like the previous time, or anything. I think last year was bad enough. This time, just do a big favour and read this, and then selawat alright...

Shortie like mine

2009-03-08T02:33:00.002+08:00

Whats Happenin' peepoll.
So i got three weeks before my holidays. Everyone keeps saying "Huh?! haha so long?" and i'm starting to get irritated by it. Don't blame us DES students, blame the school system.
I mean the block/month studying thing is manageable, but it seems like the holidays are short.
And it gets tiring especially when you're juggling two modules and the assignments and projects keep stacking up and they do it like we're only having one module.
I mean, that is just what i feel about this month. Its really stacking up even during the previous month.
Maybe i'm slow. Lol.

This week has been hectic. But finally i got to spent time with my friends on Friday. Met some people during Friday prayers and then i met my friends. Went to the gym with Afiq and Aizat, followed by Hafriz who came later. At about 7.30 pm, met Farhan, Iylia and Our dear producer, Harith, at CWP's Banquet for our dinner and then we discussed about T.A.G's oncoming CD.
My honest opinion?

I just hope we ALL can work our ass out together and get it done.
Done. By the Dateline. And then we can award ourselves by going to Sentosa, as planned.
Its more of a group outing i guess.

Speaking of group outing, i hope the rest can attend the night cycling thing as we can also do our discussion during the activity through and till morning break. i think that'll be good because its a rare chance for us to actually hang out till that late. I mean its only next two weeks until the day and so we can actually discuss about our development.

But again. A few problems at hand.
First is Mo. Money.
The rest i won't mention here.

Then theres the IT show. We can shop for our need there to reduce cost.
I hope Ya'll[ no need to mention names here] can get the money by atleast this coming Wednesday. If not, Friday.
I mean it, because if not, it will drag and drag. I know some of you will say " alah, so what? what the heck... that can wait" after reading this.
You're so wrong.
Bottomline is, it will drag. And when it does, the dateline will be extended.
We want to try to keep up with the dates, Na'mean?

I mean, don't blame anyone but yourself if it happens.
You can go do your time when it happens.

I know we can discipline ourselves.
And speaking of discipline, i got really pissed of by my own friend and i really felt cheated.
Its easy when you say" ouh i forgot to tell you guys, sorry.." but is not how it works. What about the people who held on to your words and they end up knowing its useless?
You see whats the general problem is? When someone, anyone, makes mistakes, that person will know by default, that he/she can just give a simple reason and say SORRY and thinks that it'll be over.

WORSE, is that he/she doesn't want to admit it.
Those of you reading this and understand what the hell i'm talking about, i'm sure you understand clearly.

Its not the matter of apologizing. You could have told us earlier but you didn't. And FORGET is seriously not an excuse because its your responsibility, not ours.

All is forgiven. I just wrote all that shit above as a reminder to all of us.

If you don't like what i wrote above and think its unfair, and you think you're right.
Well, you've just proven yourself wrong.

So on Saturday, went to Aizat's crib to chill out with Shaiful. We played cards through the afternoon and i was back home only at 9.30. Its really addictive, ya know.
And today, will probably be going to the library to finish up some work plus T.A.G work.

I just finished playing Runescape about 15 mins ago.
A note to Harith :

I just thought. since we want to hit the 7 digit number in our bank, i came up with a simple plan.
the last idea was that, i gave my acc to you so you can mine with both accounts and save time.
If you want to, you can use my acc as a transporter. Haha.
What i mean is, you use your acc to mine coal at a certain area, and as soon as your full, you pass your coal to my character and u use HIM to transfer the goods. And on the way, you can use your character to mine. And by the time my character is back, he just have to wait a while before he can transport more. Ya dig?

But the problem is, we only got about 10k worth of transfer in 15 mins.
But if you do the calculations correctly, it will be deducted as you also take time to mine, right?

So, start working man. Make full use of my acc.
Haha this is a No HACKING scheme.
This is a "CEPAT KAYA" scheme. HAHA.

Hm, i know apart from all this things, i really have to put aside time for my friends, family, work, and for the people i usually spend time with.
:)

I can't promise anything, but i can promise that i will try to commit better and to keep them happy. All i can say is, i'm trying my best.

~ I hope that you'll change and become a better minded person. Its been quite some time and at times, i can't tolerate it, maybe the others too. Theres a certain level of respect, i know. But sometimes, i don't get you. Whats there to prove?
Don't do it just to follow up to others just to attain attention or respect or whatever you name it. Do things because you love it. Do it not to prove, but because you really love it.
Because we can tell.
If you're able to read this with an open mind and utilise it and turn it into something real, then that is really good and i respect that.
if you can't, then we really have to do something...
Its a long way to go... ~

~Rahmat flipping the cards at 3.15 am, Sunday, 8 march 2008~

Ps/: There ain't a price you can put on a girl who knows, just what to say when you need to hear it the most...

Fake a pretend

2009-02-26T00:05:00.004+08:00

This week has been the most annoying, suckish and demoralizing week for me.
I just hope i can get thru this week with ease[ until Friday].
I'm damn tired. I have too many things running in my mind, even though i look fucking calm.
I can joke and smile but please don't take advantage of the situation.
Work is still work.
I just can't "click" with school.
this is my ultimate school problem.
But who cares. Gi mampos ah.

this is so heart-breaking, really.
i don't know how to describe this feeling. Frustrated? Angry? sad or tired?
I'm having mixed feelings.
I wish to take a gun and just pop it at my brain. Or my chest.
Or wherever it kills.
Fuck the fucking hell la.

Frankly, there's only THREE things i mostly look forward to .
My cousins are one of them, but that's normal because i can see them anytime.

Now we're down with two things.
But honestly, the way i see it.
Trouble will blossom when it comes to these two things.
almost every time.
Some can't even give in.
Some take sides. Some just think they are always right. Even when they are wrong, they are RIGHT.
And i get really frustrated everytime it happens.

The bottom line is, i can't look forward to these TWO things WITHOUT getting myself into a situation or most likely, trouble.
you know, they say its good to be selfish sometimes as we would want some things fulfilled. But to me, its pointless being selfish. There's is NOTHING to be selfish about.

There is no point arguing about things with people, there is no point sulking on it because it won't do any good.
Sorry to say, its been like this ever since i don't know when.
It been like a routine, a torture.
Because there's no point getting into a fight or stand up for someone or something or just to state your facts right when you know you gon' lose it in the end.
For those who fully understand what i'm talking about here,
Thank you for reading.

FOR ONCE, i wish i can look forward to something without feeling sad, frustrated.
YOU NAME IT. Just happiness all the way until the big day comes and i can finally relief myself from stress and enjoy myself.
After that, ya'll can start those routines back anytime.

The fact is, i only see them about once or twice a week.
Now its really getting into me already.
so don't blame me if i flip.

And i only see you about once a week now.
can't we be happy about it for once and can't i look forward to something, free from any guilt or doubts or sadness?

Do we have to play pretend all the time so that others will be happy about it when they're with us?
I can just smile and hide everything.
no? so how do you tell weather someone is pretending or not?
Thats the catch.

and a word or reminder.

The MANY killed soldiers. Will be remembered.

~Rahmat rolling off at 12.30 am, thursday, 26 february 2009~

Ps/: I really have no comments on this.... i can only smile about it... :')

Skate trick

2009-02-22T01:47:00.003+08:00

Whass Happen Ma Peepoll?

Again, a long time since i've updated my blog.
The truth is, i'm busy with school and assignments and friends to even update my blog. It is because i spent most of my time out of home and when i reach home at night[ most of the time] and after i've cleaned up, i'm too tired to blog.

Haha that is partially true peepoll.
I'm just plain lazy sometimes.

So, on Friday, had a site Visit At ASSYAFA'AH mosque, which i find pretty ridiculous as i always pray there for my friday prayers and i don't see the need to go there for a site visit but it was cool, guiding my coursemates around the modern Masjid. After we were dismissed, i headed for the Woodlands Gym at the swimming complex to join hafriz, afiq and Aizat to work out.
At 6.30 pm, we went to buy food for afiq's family and then we headed to CWP banquet to eat dinner. There was alot of people.
Who cares about the people? haha.
We ate our dinner and we toured in CWP. Went home at approximately 9.30 pm.

On saturday, went out with a friend. The burger from Burger King really filled me up. Then we headed for the library to read magazines and i found this section which covered the indepths of Halo 3. Quite outdated but its still one of the best game ever with off-the-charts graphic.
i'm not saying the game is outdated. I was referring to reading ON Halo 3.
khnumsayin'?

But it was a lovely day. Both Friday and saturday.

oh and not to mention Thursday. I have to thank my friends for bringing me to the jam studio in the warehouse. It was a different experience and everyone headed for dinner after that feeling deaf. Haha. Nice day to get away from work. Thankx dudes.

So i will be going for Madrasah today later on at 10.30 am.
and i'll be free after that, i guess.

here's something to share.

Cool huh?
Its the EA SKATE game for Xbox 360. Who my dear friend Harith has.
Best skate graphics seen after Tony Hawk's pro skater 4.
I KNOW ITS FOR PS1.
But the game is good. The closest thing to skating real live.
Try it peepoll.

Speaking of skate, i really need a pair of new trucks, new shoes and a hoody.
I really have to remind myself to buy these goodies.
I need it.

~Rahmat~

Flipped the cards at 2.15 am, February 22nd

Ps:/ They say absence makes the heart grow fonder[according to hafidz =) ]... but its true for some situations ONLY ya'll know that right. And guess what? The past helps in building the future. =)

Mcspicy and Harith

2009-02-09T01:51:00.004+08:00

Yesterday i went to Madrasah and the teachers covered quite a number of topics.
Pressurizing i must say, but i find it interesting.
When i got home, i ate my lunch, and soon after, i fell asleep.
AND THEN....

I got alot of miss calls from this wanksta, and i was awakened by it.
When i checked my handphone, i already got 5 miss calls, so i thought it might be an emergency, but i didn't have to wait long to find out.
That guy was actually miss calling me on purpose. Only until a certain time that i get to get to him.
and after discussion, we decided to meet at CWP.
And as i was preparing to go out, he keeps on miss calling me.....
Haha the funny part was when i was actually trying to wear my pants, he called(on purpose) and i hopped to my handphone which was on my bed because i was charging it, but when i got to it, he put down the phone.
And it happened 3 times. I was so frustrated i can already imagine that irritating face of his, laughing at me for what he had done.
Even when i got out of the house, he keeps miss calling me.

AND ANOTHER INCIDENT!
My mum asked me to dump rubbish at the dumping place at behind void decks, so as i was carrying two big plastic bags, he called, again. And this time i really can't help but to laugh and smile.
And at the same time, i was nearing the dumping place, and i passed this corridor where the lift lobby was, and this girl was heading towards me to pass by, and as i was smiling, i looked at her by chance and she thought i was actually smiling at her on purpose, but it was actually unintentional. Then when i dumped the rubbish and i headed for the corridor to head for the bus stop, she smiled back and by that smile i knew she was tryin' to stop herself from smiling. Its either because a guy smiled at her from ear to ear, or because i looked foolish, smiling as i was carrying rubbish, khnumsayin'..?

HAHAHA.

Even when i reached the bus stop, he keeps miss calling, and you know what? i really couldn't help myself from laughing because it was stupid. People at the bus stop kept looking at me because my handphone only ringed ABIT of the ringtone and it made a loud " TANG!" every 20 secs or so because of the ringtone. i kept laughing to myself in the bus and i really wanted to punch him when i get to CWP but when i got to him, i just laughed. Ate at MacD and just walked around, joking and talking.

haha what a funny moment.
You think its funny, Harith?

Haha actually it was...

hehehe =)

I swear im going to do it to him next time.
HAHAHA.

I just realize after todays outing, when Harith mentioned to me about the funny moments we had in secondary school before, and some after, i can't remember about them. Its not that i forgot purposely but its just that i have too many things in my mind and that we keep making new memories and moments, right. So we tend to forget once in a while. which i think, is a waste, because those moments were funny, happy times.

So i just thought, if we go out everytime, we should bring along a camera to video tape every moment, you know? So the next time we forget, we can just watch it from our computer or something. You won't know, 10 years from now, when you on your laptop and view those videos, it'll bring back memories..

old memories that'll never fade.

haha.

ok by the way,

Miss Atiqah here is having problems with loading her explorer page , which means she cant surf the net and blog n stuff, so please understand. I was asked by her to blog about this. =)
I haven't link her yet, but she has. So any of her friends who, by any chance, goes to my link at her LJ and comes here, you have your answer alright. And to those who can help fix this problem, please help to do so. thank you.

~R@HM@T~

Ps/: I need a new hoody, a new pair of shoes. And a new pair of trucks. AIYO AIYO AIYO AIYO AIYO! (inside joke ) =)

Some people

2009-02-01T02:17:00.003+08:00

Wazzapen peepoll.
Friday's jammin' with T.A.G was dope, as usual. The usual beats, practice, people, but too bad we didn't get to produce something. And too bad again for those TAG-ers who couldn't make it.
I still have alot to learn about drumming.
But i have to tell ya. I'm disappointed in some things.
or some people.

some people.

You know, it sucks when everytime you try to do things right, people make it look like it isn't. or better yet, when a certain someone has already made a mistake but doesn't want to admit it. And when people point it out, they still don't acknowledge the fact. Now what kind of attitude is that? I just thought that it is done so that they keep their "cool" side intact with them, you know. Like when you get too cocky or too overconfident and you think you've done all the necessary things to amuse or catch people off their guards or simply awe them, and when you make a mistake, you realise "eh, damn this ain't right. What'll they think of me..? Must think of something quick.." just to cover up their mistake.
Even when its obvious.

It doesn't bother me much, but it does now.

Its a kind of scenario, when you try to make something look like an accident, but you didn't do a good job out of it. This is an example.

If you would have admitted it, thats alright, because people make mistakes, right?
and thats understandable.
But when you don't admit your own mistakes, you know what that makes you?
It makes you look dumb. Not cool, but dumb.

The other thing is about communication.

My friends and i have been thru alot of discussions to settle disputes and stuff. And we stressed out alot about communication, commitment, loyalty, and so on.
This things have been stuck in my head for as long as i can remember.
But one thing thats been lacking is definitely communication.

COMMUNICATION.

I really have to stress this out.

why?

lets give a scenario.
When you and your friends have already planned for a movie outing, and along the way you find yourself occupied on that same day, isn't it your responsibility to inform them?
Or you just can't be bothered and you just keep quite doing your own thing because you know they are going to call you up and look for you?
I personally think thats taking advantage of circumstances.

Scenario 2.
You have something in your mind or just SOMETHING that you wanna share or bring up to your friends but you left one or two person out. And when those left out people call you up about things , you go " what?! i thought i told you guys already the other day?" and you stick to your fact even though that poor fella says that he didn't get the slightest idea of the news and you go
" what the hell?! you mean you DON'T KNOW? OH MY GOD, SIAL AH..."

Fuck it man.

And guess what? the next time you go see your friends and they all talk about something you ain't familiar with, and when you ask about it, that person goes " dude, you're MIA man, this is some old story already you know.." .

* Middle finger *

Ya'll know why i'm getting so angry as i'm blogging about this shit?
its because i'm recalling back all those times these things have happen to me.

i know what kind of response i will get if names were mentioned here. I know. Other than that other guy who would probably agree to me, my thoughts and opinions are seldom taken into consideration.
Why?
because if it was, they'll take the chance to correct their mistakes and not repeat it again. But it is still happening, up till today.

And i know dragging this won't do much good because i know what the outcome is. I don't need teaching.

You might think this is minor, but you don't know what mental damage it does to others around you. So if you( and me) and doing this and you don't realise it, please stop the bullshit.

Because lets face it, if theres no communication, there isn't going to be any commitment.
see the link? Think about it.
remember initiative?

I hope i'm making some sense and i'm praying that you'll change that attitude of yours.
Whoever ya'll are.

~

Honestly, i'm doing this not just for me, but for others too. If you re-read the top paragraphs carefully and imagine yourself as the victim being victimised, you'll feel the pain.

I just feel that i'm there for Sho' , khnamean?
I try to be there when anyone else isn't, i try to make people be there when they ain't responding, i try to do think to push us up, support, i make the calls, the confirmation.

and sometimes when you get too tired of it, you'll just drop.
And then suddenly people blame you for being emo shit or not attending this and that or just simply outcasting yourself
but they didn't bother to see what you've actually done and yu was actually just taking a deserved break.

so, what does that make me actually?

This is the reality. I'm having visions right this moment.
It has happened too many times until some of us can actually predict a certain scenario even before it actually happens.

If you look at it, Hopes' just a learning drummer and an administrator as pointed out. A contributing designer and also the supporter. You can say hes a forgiver because he has been backstabbed twice. And HIS supporter is, Red. Another supporter.
but Hope ain't no fucking good rapper nor is he a producer. But Hope once helped a friend who now already forgets his place or how he actually started things out.

whats past is past aite?

But you know what? Some just don't see it that way.
they see a certain friend who keeps bugging them with calls and asking this and that
and always pulling them in when they think they got better things to do.
But in the end, they blame others. And this links back to communication.

So What the hell am i doing actually?
Now i feel i'm really For Sho'.
And i'm not needed.

I just hope this kind of things will end so i can live my life with ease.
i don't want the day to come when i get to tired to do things and i just drop out.

So if you wanna hate, look at yourself in the mirror first before shooting any unnecessary comments at my face because what i just wrote is pure facts.

C'mon, whats the point of staying "fly" or "cool" when people already know the true You.
Start the change.

Read this, utilise it, make it happen.

Because today is another brand new day for me and i'll still be the same.

Siape makan chili, dielah terase pedasnya ( Harith's favourite line HAHAHAHA)

~R@HM@T~

rolling out at 3.30 am.

Ps/: Ku akui, kau memang manis, tapi kau egoist....kau fikir kaulah segalanya..

don't dig it up

2009-01-26T14:31:00.003+08:00

I just uploaded a new song.

Honestly, i have no idea. I have no idea on how i can change myself.
When i try to be myself, everything i do is almost wrong. But when i try to change for the better and for the people around me, its like i'm faking everything. Every single thing.
And then i keep hearing people say that i'm a confused guy. And when things go wrong, i am the one who seems to be the source of things.
And i get haters, and the product?
Bad results. All to me.

Yea. I think those people who have been reading my blog from scratch, would most probably think that i'm a totally bad person. Because bad things happen to me. You can say that it doesn't mean that way. But it is. It LOOKS like it though.

The truth is, i have no idea myself as to why things happen the way it shouldn't be. Then tell me, is it wrong for me to go look for answers..? explanations? If you're me, you'll probably would want to, right..? But you know what i get?
Desperate.
And i don't blame those people who say these kinds of things to others, in general, but you should take a good look at yourself. because honestly, you ain't that perfect.

Thats all about the past.

And to you.
You don't need to bring up the past, you know. Now, when i look at it, i see my old self. Trying so hard to achieve what i want, to be someone. Why be someone? good question. Go ask around.
But whats important is the present and the future right..? Whats certain is what i am now..and the things thats been happening in this present time, right..?
Ask yourself that. If my past is bothering and i can't convince you after so long,
then why don't you one of those who determine other people's lives..? who tells them whats right and whats wrong?
But you know you are not that.

Then why this..? I don't understand.
I never meddled with your past. All i see a bright future right ahead of you, and alot of hope and love and friends.
yea, thats what i see. and that is why i am here. to make things better.
But it seems like i'm making things worse for you..?

tell me.
tell me.
tell me.

Because i am lost, again.

i am angry, disappointed, frustrated, paranoid.
not with you, but with myself.
it seems i am not trying hard enough..

but i promise i will.
Towards you. My friends. everything.

You know what? my head is about to burst, anytime soon. i'm having a terrible headache now...
Schoolwork, friends..
and you..

I gotta dig it man. gotta buck up. Get my senses right. get things straight.
I wish i can but i can't.
i am no robot.
I have only a pair of hands and legs.

Do you know, who's that guy? Who's all alone..
do you care enough to see..? Hes in pain and misery

~R@HM@T~

Ps/: i'm really sorry to have hurt your feelings...but it was unintentional. i'm hurt myself...

STEP UP YOUR GAME FIRST BITCH

2009-01-20T02:20:00.005+08:00

' HELLO SAUSAGE, I'M HAVING YOU WITH KETCHUP! "

Haha. Its one of those lines from the movie " happy feet". If you guys have already watched it, you'll recall the part when the leopard seal chases mumble [ the main penguin character] and ends up losing him. And the amigo penguins and Mumble went on dissin' him for being slow and stuff. and thats when he said that line. Haha. I just find it really funny, Na'mean?

ok so i'm currently doing my assignments. And i have to tell you, its piling up.

No no, seriusly.
i don't kidd.

It is piling up, literally.
The burdens on my shoulders are getting heavier. but i hope i can go thru it with ease...

Amin.

i have this fear of not making it to year two.
the truth is, i'm one of those slow individuals in the course, and thats why we mix around with each other to motivate ourselves. I feel outcasted by the them people who top the class , always.
but now i don't really care. whats with being amongst the top if you can't even respect your coursemates.

I know i can do it, but i'm just slow. I'm tryin' though.
The obstacles that gets in the way pushes me down sometimes.

ok enough of me. Theres something ,..

THATS BOTHERING ME NOW.

~

WOAH-HO-HO-HO-HO-HO-HO-HO !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You are WAY out of line, young lady.
when a friend of mine told me about whats been bothering him, i was in my usual joking mood as i listened to him.

but after reading it with my own two eyes ,...
I'm shocked.
i'm disappointed, angry, frustrated, you name it.

I know i'm not the one involved , but i have the feeling i am.
Who cares huh.
i do.

SOME PEOPLE.

I can't believe that you dare talk about my best friend like that.
and did you DISS our group , too? so here i am to say my thang.
bow down ok =)

NO ONE. NO ONE talks about someone, especially their friend like that.
UNLESS you're someone ungrateful and couldn't appreciate what that person has done for you.

NO ONE tells THE WHOLE WORLD, facts about someone which is NOT EVEN TRUE but they just assume it is.
UNLESS, you're someone heartless.

and NO ONE should tell people off, WITHOUT EVEN LOOKING AT THEMSELVES FIRST.
UNLESS you're someone who thinks you're perfect.

Girl, you got them all wrong.
I think i grew my teenagehood with him side by side and i kinda know him inside out,
although i can't be sure because he is sometimes unpredictable,
i still stick to what i know.

I'm confident that HARITH knows whats best for himself.
yea, the guy you talked about with full confidence?
although i can see he is sometimes lost, to me, thats normal. and i try my best to guide him.
Like reminding him about this and that, yada yada...

i know that he is a responsible friend and a responsible son.
He is trying his best to score, to make his parents proud,
because his parents work so hard to send him to school, and tertiary education is not cheap, mind you.

And I UNDERSTAND FULLY that he has got to focus in his work ,

because i'm going thru the same thing.
yes.

I know he loves his friends.
And he loves his family more.

I've seen the good side of him. I'm confident in saying this about my best friend.
he is like family to me already, a brother.

If deep inside, you claim that you know him well after years in secondary school,
then i seriously don't understand,
WHY you have to go tell the whole world wrong facts about him.

everyone has desires, everyone has dreams,
and dreams can become real.
Only if we try.

No one is 100% perfect.
only those people who are, talks about other people the way you do.

but i don't think you're that perfect.
You are no better then him, i can say.

lets recap.
if you got them memories imprinted in your head,
maybe you'll remember that we were once schooling together?
And i tried my best to help you when you confessed? ( which im starting to regret...)
When things didn't work out and you just had to make things worse?
when we made it but you didn't??
AND WE STILL WERE YOUR FRIENDS?
AND WE TRIED TO HELP BUT YOU WERE PULLING YOURSELF DOWN?

RIGHT???

NOW THIS ARE THE TRUE FACTS.

now take a GOOD look at yourself.

i'm really angry n disappointed...
even after, i still respected you as an individual, as a friend.
but after this ,..

i just lost alot of respect towards you..

thats all.

think about it.

~R@HM@T~

ps/: remember dumplings, i know where you live ... =)

I'm Back!

2009-01-16T03:32:00.004+08:00

WASSS HAPPENN MA PEEPOLL?!!!!!

Mic test~ check 1,2,3,2,1 ...
(is this on..?)

Hello there earthlings! This is captain Arbiter A.K.A Blacksheep A.K.A Kambing
( make the "beng" a long 'biiiiiiiing" )

or better known as HOPE (not Hope-pe according to some people...)

OR better known as Rahmat=)

Its been a long time since i even posted anything here. Frankly speaking, i don't go online as often as i usually do before, so when i don't go online, i don't do blogging, namsingh?
When do i go online? when i want to chat with my friends.
ahahaha =)

So, lately i've been runnin' and doin' my own thang. Assignments, projects, skate.
Alot of events has happened during the past few weeks but rest assured they are not bad.
lately, i've been spending time with my friends. and i joke around more now.... i think ... =)

the one thing that i've not been doing is SKATE.
I really need a pair of new trucks for my skateboard because it seems that i have a problem with me bearings and the nuts and bolts.

I really need to save up another 50 bucks atleast to get a new pair.

speaking of PAIRS.

I NEED a pair of new shoes.

Yes , i know. To Hafriz and Harith, if ya'll are reading this,
I know you'll probably be laughing at me because usually, when i say i want to buy something and i set the date, i end up not buying them because i drag the date when i'm suppose to buy that particular something.

Its just that its not easy to save up 200 plus dees just to buy skateboard trucks and shoes.
i spend half my daily allowance on school stuff. Like printing, paper, you name it.
And believe me , the other half is not even enough to last me the whole day.

But i really need new trucks and shoes, Period.
SUPRA to be exact =)
and i'll buy them, Insya allah ...

if i can't save up that much, i'll probably get another pair of Vans.

~

hmm, lately, i've been spending my days off with a friend.
haha but i'm glad , because i can play cards with her, pull off some magic tricks and see her put on that expression, eat alot of fastfood, read tons of magazines, you know..?

So what did i do yesterday?

Went out to do my assignment but i end up reading magazines in the library with a friend and i just look at the pictures, hoping that i can draw better. Haha.
We ate at Macdonalds. Mcspicy to be exact but im getting tired of it already. Its because of the used-to-be succulent meat , which is gone.....
Then, we head to Yishun and she borrowed some magazines.

OH OH!
I was reading one of the magazines and i saw the Akademi Fantasia's finalist, Heliza ( is it spelled correctly..? )
i'm not tryin' to be a dick here, haha so i apologize if this is going to sound weird,

i just find her pretty=)
I think its because of her sweet look. I saw her once on television but she definitely looks better on the magazine cover.

c'mon, i'm a guy...waddya expect....

To Afiq Inferio. if you like that type right ( i mean you know the term, but i can't spell it out here because it will sound sort of inappropriate)

Go check it out mayne! go geddit geddit! majalah Wanita.
But please don't go and buy................you can just read it from the library =)

and to Harith, like how you talked about the post office girl,..?
i think THIS is somewhat like her case....i mean i'm somehow in your position when you saw the post office girl..haha =)

time check : 4am

so today, hoping to go jammin' with the guys at sp, or probably a jammin' studio...
hope you guys can make it...

so till here, take care readers!

Remember,

the sounds of the horses galloping ..
KADUK, KADUK, KADUK =) [ an inside joke...]

~Rahmat~
ShEeps CaN FlY

Ps/: Now, i'm having trouble. and its kinda personal. but everytime it happens, i stagger...and i panic.. =) Just plain shy....

Atiqah

2008-12-26T20:58:00.002+08:00

Just feel like blogging today.
Its been a long time. I am just plain lazy to update. maybe because my life revolves around them and i get to see them often, so theres not much to hide from one another.
I mean, there are other ways to contact right? SMS, MSN.

First of All, i would like to wish...

OHNONONONONONONONO! =)

Haha ok not today, but i just said that on purpose. It'll nudge someone for sure =)
And someone got something already. Haha.
But by the looks of his face today at the Masjid, he knows it already...
EVEN AFTER 2 decoys...
Damn, bruh =)

So back to today.

You know what? it just struck me when i was on my way home.
Ever watched Toy Story? well if you have, I'm pretty sure you know the toy cowgirl right? ( i forgot her name...) .
remember the part where she tells her story to her fellow friends? when she was so brand new, her owner; a little girl, always plays with her, like any kid would do when they first get a brand new toy. But after time passes by, the girl got a new toy, and the cowgirl toy got abandoned.
Until she was sold.

Come to think of it, i was in the same kind of situation once.
and i can tell you, that one time experience is enough.
i don't want to make it a second experience this time.

Because its hurting right..?
It stings when one moment you get a friend, you thought she was special, next moment, you're complete strangers.
The feeling of yourself getting toyed all the while and suddenly abandoned by,
Just like a puppet.

Its weird though, because i laugh at it when i think of it.
I ask myself , whose right, and whose wrong.
But then, i started to ask myself , WHATS right and WHATS wrong.

Haha. Old memories that never rust in my mind.

~

You know, after what you told me, it really broke my heart.
I'm not depressed or anything, but i suddenly feel that my heart is half dead,
or is it half alive..?

You are not going thru it alone, you know.
I have my fair share of experiences, but the way you say it,
it makes me feel that, things should end in an instant.
ten what about what we've already gone thru..?
Just to come this far to turn back huh?????

Its like, climbing up mount Everest, and you can already see the top of the mountain!
But your leader ask you to turn back.
Just a bit more to go yet things just don't go the way you want.

Things can work out if you try.
If you put your heart into it, and you know, hold on to your Faith, trust,
If you believe.

Honestly, i'm going thru what you're going thru now.
Easy as that.
but you don't have to go and say all those things;
now, i feel that all hope is cut down by half.
and its like you're half-hearted about things happening

that bad huh? Blame me for being a jerk.
But still, i'm trying my best to keep things above the rail.
Lets face it, if i didn't give a heck, why the hell would i go this far...?
To condemn another soul..?
or is it because i can make something out of it, and learn something..?
Something worthwhile..?
0_-
decide alright..
It takes TWO hands to clap..

YOU DIG, ?????

And today, i don't know why, but i'm hurt by your sayings and such...
Maybe i'm sensitive today..?
or maybe its because of yesterday.
I felt really heavy at a point of time, and i really wanted to break down.
or more likely, to walk away..

but i know it won't make any difference.
sulking won't do go, right..?
you won't text, you'll probably think i am just goofying around..

So probably my last option is to just shuv aside this feeling and try to make myself happy..
or pretend i'm feeling alright.
sooner or later, things would be ok, right..?

:(

Bottomline is...
i'm just trying to make something good out of all this..
And things needs time.
when i try to get close, i feel you're shunning me away.
when i dont get close, things move too slow.
i don't expect you to do things way beyond your own expectation.
If you don't like anything, me, going out, this and that, do tell me ok..
If you have already change your mind or already made a certain decision, then tell me.

Because like you, i'm afraid.
and like you, i don't want to end up like before..

So,
Why would i even want to put you in that state like how you were in before,
when i could end up being in it?

0_0"""

This is confusing....

Lets work it out ok..?

Ya Allah ,..........

I'm outty. probably i'll try to kill myself.
Or die due to boredom.

take care.

~R@HM@T~

Ps/: I've got a week before school starts and i just want to make the best out of it. But why do i find it hard to get along these days...? whenever i feel down, i try my best to get myself up and put on a smile, but take a look at things now .... :'(

Damnn

2008-11-30T01:22:00.004+08:00

Its not that i don't appreciate,
its just that i can't avoid being a disappointment.

i'm not stopping anything ,..
Leave if it breaks you free from the clutch..
I thank deeply for the concerns and care ...
i don't want to hurt you anymore ...
really i don't, but i know i am...

How much i've let you down, broken your heart, wasted your time,
lied, pretend i'm ok, pretend i'm not,
care for you, embrace you, like you, cherish you,
treat you like you are mine,

disappointment always gets in the way.
Maybe you think that i'm not trying,
but infact 'm trying my best, if can, without your help ,

But it so happens that i could relate to you so much about many things,
it blinded me,
and i didn't want you to feel taken advantage of,

So today,
I solemly swear that i will just shut about everything,
and let things be alright,
and keep things to myself,
b

for the best,

i'm just confused and lost.
:'(

~R@HM@T~

Oh God, Forgive Me

2008-11-29T02:56:00.003+08:00

I've been quite busy ever since the start of this week. Deadline for project 1 is due next two weeks, so probably i'll be busy too for the few weeks to come.
but after that, it'll be a 3 week holiday for me.
doesn't sound bad at all, does it.

Here, i would like to state that my heart feels heavy.
I'm having a hard time going through things, not to mention juggling my project and friends and commitment and school.
Its been hectic.
But i haven't been appreciative for what people have done for me.
because i only care for myself..

true that ,..? huh ,..?

I'm just tired of going through the same old process every now and then..
if someone can give me a better alternative, or solution,
then i plead that person to share with me..
Because whatever i have exposed is only minimal to the extent that it only shows one side of it.
but the truth behind it,
is that theres more to it..
More then just problems and complains and rants and stress..
more than just the usual feelings and thoughts..

I didn't blame anyone for not understanding.

My only wish ,
Is that i get through it with my own two feet.

Everyone wants what they want,
more importantly , what they need.

and so it goes the same for me..

time check : 3 am
Sound check : Avenged sevenfold ; Bat country

~ He who makes a beast out of himself, gets rid of the pain, of being a man~

I'll end it here. I need a break from work ..
take care Gs.
:')

~

Be not You far from me, Oh God.
All my strength, They stay to help Me.

Blessed By God my strength, which teaches my hands to war, and my fingers to fight.
My goodness, and my fortress;
My high tower, and my deliverer;
My shield, and HE in whom I trust.
Oh my God, I trust in You,
Let me not be ashamed, let not my enemies triumph over me.

~

~R@HM@T~

Ps/: Its not as easy as you think, but deep inside, i really appreciate what you've done for me. why not try reading my heart ..? :'/

Mira oh mira ..

2008-11-22T00:50:00.006+08:00

It kills. It really does.
I feel like i have to walk behind the shadows because i'm blacklisted.
Its hard avoiding these people, who i feel that they FEEL that they want me to be out of sight.
Its hard to explain things, but its somewhat like that.

P1 is getting worse. I'm having some kind of beef with the lecturers. Not only me, but probably some others too.
when its over, i'll be turning the tables upside down.
If you know what i mean.

On the other hand,
I just can't believe what fate i've landed myself into. But whatever it is, it has been decided by GOD. And i have to learn how to accept it,
which is the hard part.
but whatever it is, reflecting back from the start to the end,
I'm really out of words to describe what i'm feeling now.
Cheated? Toyed? i don't know. I seriously don't know.
But probably its none of them.
That long journey just bring tears everytime i think about them..
i can't believe i live through the period to tell the tale..
but who would listen ,..? It doesn't matter anymore..
:'/

you chose your path of life ,..
I realize that i wasn't trying hard enough .. and i blame myself as i look into the mirror..
i hope your life will be better and better then the previous day from now on ,..
God bless you,..
Thank you for everything ....
You're indeed, amazing ..

~

I started the battle, i'll finish the fight myself..
you've sworn but you never meant the words you said to me
Words of death which rings through my ears
I hope you're happy now; be joyful and be merry!

For leaving me in this state, i will remember
All the pain and sorrow thats caused, i will devour

And Your memory will carry on

~

its been quite some time i actually post something here.
Its because my internet receiver got busted and i can't use the internet.
But now its doing great.
Things are still the same though ...

things have been difficult for me..
there are things which i find it hard to explain but i keep trying my best..
How i wish things would be easier. Sometimes i feel like running away from home. pack my bag and bring the cash and just go. Anywhere. because home, doesn't feel like home anymore.
the home i once had, used to have them.
Him, her, them.

But now they're all gone..

God. It takes two hands to clap.
why do i have to go through all this ,..?
How great my intentions are ? They're way different under the eyes of others .. but why?

I apologize to anyone whom i've troubled or hurt.
i really am, sorry.
It wasn't my intentions, and i regret it ..

I'm hustlin' ..
Take care Gs ..

~R@HM@T~

Ps/: I hope now you've found your love, life would be better for you. maybe i'm not noticing it, but i'm always try'na stay away. Because thats what you want, right ..? you once said so. you once did..

Take care Mira

2008-11-13T03:12:00.002+08:00

Updating for awhile. Its been quite some time since i actually posted something here.
School has been quite boring lately. Projects piling up like stacks. I wish they're money. i'd probably get rich. Haha. but i'm actually glad because there'd be no more drawing Essentials from next week onwards and we can all focus on our P1, which i am struggling in, NOW.
It clearly means that i have one modue during the next block/month , and it happens to be our major project.

Honestly, i feel like a prisoner in school. Especially during periods where i have alot of assignments and projects on hand. I rarely see my family, cousins, grandparents, friends.
I'm not so sure weather architecture is the "thing" for me in the future. My friends and i all share the same problems in class. But one said that, 3 years of hard work WILL pay off after we all graduate. But will I,..?
Haha this is scary. You see, i'm doing my course just for the sake of doing it at first, but after the first semester, i got the hand of it but STILL, it feels incomplete.
I talked to my course manager, and to my surprise, he doesn't like it either, but its his JOB, so he says he has to do it.

I felt like quitting but friends encourage me not to. but i don't know if i'm gonna regret after making that decision, in the future.

My sister quitted the course she was studying in NUS, BECAUSE she was going after what she wanted to do and loved but couldn't handle it, so she got into some private University and studying i-don't-know-what , but i think its still tourism.
Even my uncle told me to choose wisely on what i wanna do in the future.

but i don't know what. I want to do something i love, but after hearing all these experiences, it just makes me lost.
Ya know what? I always wanted to be a marine bilologist.
A Radio DJ. A musician. professional skateboarder. And a Farmer.

i really don't know weather architecture and design is for me. i love designing though, and sketching and drawing and stuff, but not architecture..
Maybe i'll love it in the future..

We're suppose to make our dreams come to reality isn't it?
Hah, this is confusing..

After talking to the poly students, some said they just do their course as long as they end up with a diploma. That doesn't sound so bad either.
Maybe it'll help me hold on while i'm in tertiary education..

ok so thats it for school. I still have to do my final assignment for drawing Essentials and i haven't even started yet.

time check : 4 am.
sound check : mp3 - bow wow ; shortie like mine

I'm tired. i didn't sleep last night and i'm not sleeping tonight.
I hope there'd be no class tomorrow.

hm, things have been good so far. I don't want to repeat past mistakes again.
actualy, to think of it again, i don't think i made a mistake.
I knew i was holding on to something worthwhile, ...
but i just had to let go. because i realize, that it all started when i stepped in ,..
So to end it, i had to step out..
and that includes letting go of someone whom i had hopes for...

was it my fault, ...?

and btw, i met a friend today. Its been a LONG LONG TIME since i last saw her.
haha and shes still cheerful as before.
believe me, when i saw you, i had a flashback of those times, when we were one big happy group..
But things just didn't go well...
and i had to be one of the cause of why it ened up badly.
And i'm sorry.

~

Gosh, i can't believe you said that to your friend.
it wasn't true at all.
i don't think i need to explain and such. you know it deep inside , what actually happened.
The only reason i could think of is that, you actually tried to run away from the truth..
The horrible truth about me..
yea. I'm horrible.
sometimes i wonder ; was it a trap ..?
because it all seemed like its been pre-planed. Scary huh...
because no one believed when i told them what actually happened. because their perception towards you and me are different and i guess you know that whatever i do, it wouldn't change a thing,..

I always thought; why did you do this to me ,..?
i swear i made mistakes, but i could not find the biggest one.
I tried to talk things out , because what i went thru back then was what every other guy would go thru,
but you chose to toy me like puppet under the strings of its puppeteer,

Up till today, i still can't forget about those memories,
why should i,..
and guess what,..? I told you everything is going to be fine,..
bt i remembered argueing about it with you and such and how you thought that i could make everything happen and that i'm a know-it-all.

I didn't do anything but pray. God made the judgement call.
and everything is starting to go alright now,..
and i'm so glad...

and i guess you've found the one who you'll love with your heart..
i'm glad, ...
it was the first time hearing about a someone who i once loved who actually already found someone, and i could do it with a smile..
imagine that..

I wish you all the best and you're always in my prayers..
i know your love for him will never end..
and i bet whoever that person is, hes lucky
:')

ok , gotta go do my work...
Guess i'll blog more often huh..

take care..

~R@HM@T~

Ps/: Its not so bad after what i've been thru. I hope i won't make any mistakes again, because you mean alot, and i can't bear to hurt you in any way. and i really really really love that smile, .. :')

Nadiah... hie =)

2008-11-05T04:21:00.002+08:00

Time : 4.30 am

So today, will be going to Paya Lebar to sketch shop houses.
Went to the site yesterday and it was awesome. But sketching it will e tedious work.
I predict hot, humid weather today and i don't like it. It makes me real dizzy.

[ Is today a Wednesday,..?]

YEA.I almost lost track of time; real talk here.
On Monday, we had a presentation on parti sketches which i didn't attend because we were at the Library and it there was a thunderstorm so basically we can't get back to the design school =)
So when the rain ended , we went to eat.
And we eat.
Then, we went home.
Yesterday, as i had mentioned, we headed to the shop house areas at Paya Lebar; somewhere between Eunos and Paya lebar.
Then headed back to school for EVDP1 workshop.

Today i will not attend pm EVDP1 class as im'ma finish my shop house sketch.
One day left and we're suppose to present our piece of crap on Thursday.
SPEAKING OF THURSDAY,

We have a site analysis for EVDP1; this time we're talking in the measurements.
And i have no idea how we gon' do that cuz the site is biggie.
Its opposite the shooting-water-merlion at the other side of the river and under the bridge.
Somewhere near the Esplanade.

I will be free on Friday, I THINK.

Hm, i had a chat with a friend a few hours ago and it made my day :)
I had this ticklish feeling inside me and it kept me laughing like an idiot try'na wake up people early in the morning.

I guess i really have something to look forward to..
AND to look up to :')

I'm getting impatient...
I guess waiting for a long period of time
has somehow decreased my limits of patience...
Its not that i can't wait , or i'm desperate...
I just have this feeling it won't be the same experience as before..
And i'm scared and i feel like a coward..
:'/

Ok, till here peeps...gotta get some sleep..
bubbye~

Ps/: Getting close to you is one RARE chance and i'll do anything for a moment where i can let it all out and tell you the whole story and you'll tell mine; because right now you're everything and i'm waiting and praying; and your smile is definitely Heart-Warming :')

Sorry to all

2008-11-01T01:32:00.002+08:00

Now i realize that what i've done was wrong.
Should have seen it coming.
It made me realize that the world is a small place.

You know what, ..?
We could all get together and speak our minds and lay down all the stories and secrets,
and settle it there, and there itself.

because being one out of hundreds, thousands, millions out there trying to make up for what they did wrong and try'na start new,
Its really difficult..
Its like you're at the edge of the world and you got one option.
more to like a take-it-or-leave-it thing.

Obviously, it has triggered something in me,
and i'm sure everyones happy..
I guess what you're hoping for is probably what you'll get..
right ,..?

Sememangnya dosa aku nie besar,
Tak dapat dinafikan

So i guess i'll cherish the new found, and the old ...

This is Sad..
It hurts and it just suck...

~R@HM@T~

Ps/: it just kills to be in this spot. You probably wouldn't understand because you're bounded by what you hear. But what you hear,.. might not be right at all ..

I'm sorry, Maryna

2008-10-31T20:00:00.002+08:00

Today Harith mentioned to me ; something about sucking up at others, if i'm wrong.
Correct me if im wrong.
That is one stupid fact you would want about yourself.
It really is.

Am i doing to much?

I'm one of those people whose an extender for your list of friends.
One of them who do things but isn't accounted for.
One of them who does things but half the time, doesn't really know what hes doing.
One who you think speaks like he owns the world.
One who you think isn't worth your time.
One who you think is not compatible
To Be part throughout your life.
One who you don't need at all
Because you have tons of others around.

I'm sorry ...
But if it kills ; then remove me and be free from any form of guilt or Sorrow.

~R@HM@T~

Nadiah!

2008-10-30T02:08:00.002+08:00

Gosh, i haven't slept since Monday morning; EARLY morning.
I've calculated and that is like 60 hours of assignments and sketches.
I'M DEAD TIRED.

Had presentation today [ which sucked ] and it ended at about 12. We all headed for drawing Essentials class and i almost fell asleep while Richard was teaching landscape drawing.
Right after class which ended at 3, Farid, firman and I went to IT school's canteen to eat. Long time since i've been there. Talked about personal stuff and was having thoughts of quitting too...but thats all in the head.

We were tired so we didn't attend the second session of presentation since we already presented our thang. Headed home and i slept through the whole journey in 168.
When i reached home, i took a bath and i ran towards my bed and laid on it and smile..
Woke up for Maghrib and slep back again ; and NOW
I'm awake.

Currently : smiing
time : 2.15 am

I can't wait for this block/month to end because only then would we have 1 module to juggle.

Frankly, i got alot of things circulating in my mind and i keep thinking of the past ; its like someone imprinted the past in my braincells.
0_0
Moving on is great, but at the same time; its one, tough phase to go through..
One thing for sure; sometimes, moving on alone isn't easy.
You'll need abit of support and attention and probably you'll make a clean journey out of it.
I kept thinking about it.
I went through it before. Not once, but TWICE.
This is my third experience ; but i have no idea why the fuck can't i get through this with ease.

Argh!
Sometimes, i feel that my thoughts and feelings in life are limited only to a certain extent.
If i Exceed it; things go wrong.
The things i try to do and my thoughts are looked down at; its like everything thats been done is wrong.

Its as if they think they're matured enough to understand everything and anything and the people around them don't even come close in terms of maturity and respect. They're the wisest and the most brilliant of all.

Is that called "Matured" if we have that kind of thinking towards anything but ourselves?

"Maturity doesn't count from age ..."

Yea. True that..
But then, even if you WANNA talk about "maturity" with others, stand infront of the mirror and take a good look at yourself and ask weather its a wise thing to do.

" maturity doesn't count from age you know that ..."
Mature my ass, bitch.

Damn it. If you're in this kind of state, you'll think that its sickening.
Most wouldn't care and ignore ,
But for the love of God or something..
Someones' gotta tell this people off or something...
and make them realize they're not everything..

God forgive me,..

I get stressed out sometimes. Maybe its due to the lack of rest...
And because of it, its kinda hard to ALWAYS look on the brighter side.
Theres always something there to bother you :')

ok then nevermind lets just look at the brighter side ..
I need to ease my mind.

I guess making new friends is not wrong, dude.
But theres a bunch who just have this misconception...

whatever the matter it,
as long as you get your facts right,
you know what you're doing and you think its best,
be honest , especially towards yourself..
and do it with an open heart...

Take care..
watching TV :')

You're way too good to be true..
But i hope my eyes ain't playing tricks on me
God bless you ,..
; )

~R@HM@T~

Ps/: standing tall looking down ; get a grip ok.

Smile !

2008-10-28T01:15:00.002+08:00

currently : doing sketching for Drawing Essential
time : 1.30 am

But believe me, i haven't even started yet 0_0""""
Yea...i played some online games..and watched TV..
But i'm going to start soon, i swear :)
Can't delay the work though..
because i want to try and score high for this module,
with some brilliant help of course.

So yea...this week will be a fast week, because i have only one class today, and i just have to come and show my piece of workshit, and i'll get my grade, and then we [ my classmates] can doodle around Bedok reservoir thats just BEHIND our school, and start sketching some real stuff, like plants and trees and ants and germs or whatever.

haha Yesterday, met up with the guys and we went to play pool. It was a relaxing day though, no quarrels or stuff. yea. harith and Iylia went home, so Hafriz, Idris, aizat, Shaiful and I went to An-Nur Masjid to solat Maghrib, and we went to old Wodlands to pool.
Hafriz needed to meet up with his family at Sheng Shiong supermarket[ belanje besar seyhhhhhh] so he left the four of us.

And while Pooling, something happened which kinda stunned me.
Two tables away from us, there was this guy and this girl pooling, like us.
Then something happened ; i think another girl came and cause trouble.
Next, this makcik and probably her husband and some adults came to confront the guy and his girfriend, i think.
She claimed shes from Australia and she called the girl a slut and a bitch and all those vulgaraties and the girl retaliated and hands started to swing around like loose wires. They were like slapping each other's faces. Our assumption was that the guy and the girl did something bad and the guy's aunty found out and went for the girl.
Then, security came and they left the area like disciplined children :)
I was like "WOAH.....WHAT JUST HAPPENED...?"
And somewhere in the middle of the drama i asked Aizat " eh i thought we, as a Muslim, should help one another and stop fights right,..?"
HAHA and he said " no Mat, its ok...don't interfere with people's problems.."
so we watched.

Then we can joke about that shit after they left. haha inside joke people.

Ok..till here, this is a fast post so i will blog next time.

I've got something new to look up for,
God bless You .. :')

Take care Gs..

~R@HM@T~

Ps/: Theres a saying ; " always keep smiling even if you're sad, because you don't know who'll be falling in love with your smile.. "- honestly, I fell in Love with your smile the first time i saw you smiling, and its just beautiful.. :')

Sleepy2

2008-10-26T01:36:00.003+08:00

I just love this song. Haha :)

I slept through the whole day like corpse.
Wasted the WHOLE day on sleeping. I guess i'm really tired.

I have exams today. Studied a little. No mood for books now...

and finally..

Mission accomplished!

:')

~R@HM@T~

Apologies =(

2008-10-25T04:36:00.002+08:00

been busy for the past few days.
I stayed up late on Wednesday morning to finish up my powerpoint slides for presentation.
So when i got home, i fell dead on my bed, but ONLY FOR 4 hours.
Which is not enough.

On Thursday i came late to school and i missed half of drawing essentials' class.
Haha. Richard came up to me and asked why i was late. I explained to him that i was tired, blablabla...
then he interrupted,

" YOU PARTY IN THE LATE MORNING AH?"

haha WTF man. And he said something about party animals and that in Indonesia they call it " pesta binatang"

WHO CARES. I'm tired means i'm tired. I mean like, i fell asleep on Wednesday during his class and i got nudged a few times. I'm sure he don't want that to happen again so i came late to get extra rest so i can get back on my tracks and focus. correct? right.....

and by the way, during our break during DE class, i went to the canteen with my friends and we met up with the year twos' and yeah we decided to take our time to eat and didn't care if we're going to be late after break because its only 15 minutes. when i was queing for food, i saw this girl and i went like " woahhhhh..........."

She just smiled.
And i returned the smile back.
She looks pretty and sweet =D
TO ME of course, don't know about you.
and when i got back to our table, i asked my seniors weather they know that girl, what course she's in...blablabla..
haha =D i'm just plain curious.
I swear to God, i didn't know that Tp's Design school has got nice-nice people...
=D hahaha! i'm talking shit here and its not important so lets get back on track.

And i stayed up all night till late morning on Thursday to finish my sketches and ended my work at about 6 am. I had to call my friends to plan where to meet up because we had a site analysis for P1 on Friday at Esplanade. So i left my crib at 7.

And i didn't sleep.

After site analysis, we headed back to school because i had drawing essentials at 12.
And we had to hand in our work.
And when he checked my line work he said " from your drawings i can know that you're a DnT student... "
I was like " ok...yah...true..."
and he said "you double-lined your drawing didn't you..?"

I was like OMG?!. Damn it how the hell that niggeh spot it?!
because i drew my sketches lightly and i overlap them with darker tones, and i overlap them PERFECTLY, and even i can't see evidence of double lining but i was afraid im about to be pinalized but i explained to him why and he gave advices.

haha. And he said i did a good job.
I know.
And he gave me a B+ Grade.

BAIK PE. hahahaha !
I was satisfied. from what i know, all my other classmates got grades that're below mine, so it makes me double happy because i know i'm topping this shit. haha jyeah ..
Not to boast or anything but i just feel that sense of satisfication and i'm just proud of my work.
Its worth staying up and not sleeping if i think about it.
I'm sure you'll feel the same too =)

After that, we had a talk by Moses on I-forgot-what.
Halfway through the talk, i was about to sleep but Iylia nudge me everytime to keep me awake in that big auditorium. I was relieved when it ended and i went straight home.
And i fell dead on my bed, AGAIN..
and i just woke up at 3 am =)

Whats todays date?
AHHH, 25 October, its a SATURDAY =)

i'm just gonna relax today, you know, do my stuff, maybe meet up with my friends.
I'm glad theres no school this Monday.

~

I didn't make any difference. You're still the same...
but not the same person i used to know way before.
I guess people totally forgot about things....

Its just sad and disappointing.
You don't know what i'm feelin' right now, ..

When i think back about it, i wonder...
was it worthwhile,..?
Some would think that its stupid of what i did before..
but i guess its not.
Its not wrong . Because if you want something, Give a try.

Keep those words, please ,..?
saying it, it still doesn't make a difference now ...

Imagine having someone saying something to you but in the end you found out that they didn't mean it after all,..? Not literally found out but by that person's actions.
I still remember way back when me and Harith were in secondary 3. I hurt his feelings and we got into a quarrel and we were silent towards each other for about a week. Honestly, back at that time, i didn't want to apologize .
because If we apologize, we wouldn't want to repeat the same mistake again. So i took a few days grace to think and finally i apologized. And i guess i didn't repeat my mistake=D
I THINK...

And early this year, a friend stabbed me from the back and i found out myself.
I was furious, because he made a particular same mistake before and he did it again..
So when he apologized, i told him to keep his words because i don't think i need them now.
But what i wanted actually, was for him to think about it thoroughly...
I forgave him long ago already, i was just toying with situations so atleast he learn something from it.
Of course, hes my close friend..

Siape tak sayang kawan...

Its ok if we do a minor mistake and we apologize on the spot, EVEN if it happens all the time.
like when everytime Harith disturbs aizat, he'll say sorry. and harith disturbs aizat almost everytime. =D

You feelin' me here? But its not the same when you do some major mistake. You can't just come up and apologize like you just did a small mistake. Think about it because its hard for me to explain. Its different when you accidentally slap your friend's face and you apologize, compared to when you kill someone for the sake of killing and you apologize to that person's family for his/her death, and thats it.

see the difference?

We are humans. we can't escape from making mistakes here and there. and its the same for me too. But when we make a mistake, we learn fro it, and try not to repeat that particular mistake. and what do we do next? Make up for what we've done....

Its sad for a person when all he/she gets are apologies even when something life changing happened to him/her.
Can you imagine?? Its sad isn't it ....
Its not your fault, you get blamed for, and all sorts of shit happened to you, and all you get are apologies. You forgive them, and thats it.

You see now, its not for the person whose the victim, to do anything.
Its for them who'd done wrong. they're the ones who should make up for what they've done, true?
I mean, we don't have to say this to make people realize right? Its human nature, it should happen naturally and instinctively.

But why the hell am i saying all this??

I will not explain why .......
because i think I'M the one who needs explainations.

' I always believe that we will make a particular mistake for the FIRST time and we will learn from it and will try our best not to repeat it, because its a lesson to be learned "

SEE? i ALWAYS remember this sentence.
haha Harith is a good friend =D
I remember what he said.

but most won't even care.

I'm the phantom, You're the Priest.
but i'm a Holy Phantom, Youre the Fallen priest

Ok i'm tired. I wanna watch TV.

Take care Gs...

~R@HM@T~

Ps/: We're all the same. But the thing that counts is what we do now to make up for what we've done. believing is one thing, but doing it, is another. And urh .... Take care awak :')

Life is Not a Joke, Betul tak Maryna? =')

2008-10-21T01:35:00.003+08:00

grave news for meself.
We were briefed on Project 1 yesterday and by the looks of it, i really need to keep my head up and watch out for this one.
The requirements are complex and i'll definitely need some help from my soul savers to assist on it. I know Harith has a major project too so i guess we are on the same track; except maybe mine is a bit easier.
and to sum the shitload up, we still have modules in the midst of our P1, which takes about 2 blocks/2 months.

During the past holidays alot of things have definitely happened and it somehow affected me; and it definitely changed me in to someone better. A BIT better=D
If you know me well; friends, course mates, you'd probably know that i slacked during a particular period of time and one of my modules paid the price for my not-self-consistent behavior.
But honestly i didn't slack -_-
I was going through alot at that time but in the end i did my work, which i still failed because i didn't attend sch for presentation and it blew up =D
but no big deal, i will buck up.

What does this mean?
Means no TV. No videogames. No movies. No waking up late. No meeting up with friends. Blablabla...

Yea..haha but believe me, i'm not gonna follow this sick rules just because of a project=D
yea, still keeping focus, but we have to get of the track sometimes right,..?
Just like the Formula One car; it needs to re-fuel before it can race again.
Just like an aeroplane; somehow, it has to land.
haha yea...
I'm still gonna do my favourite routines but maybe a bit less =D

look at the bright side; i have a two week break after this two months of schooling. Im'ma aim for that.

currently : blogging and sketching for Drawing essentials work.

Talking about projects, the O levels are on the heat.
So, my best wishes to you guys, especially dearly beloved ones
Those who are re-taking your O level papers ; don't study hard ayte.
Study smart =D and keep it cool.
Don't cry, don't panic, don't scream, don't call for help, don't stagger, don't faint and most importantly ; don't feel nervous.
haha put on a smile and ride your papers till its over, jyeah!

Haha kalau Aizat, die cakap " alah, paling2 pun fail je pe...fail retake ah....mcmlah fail tu, dunia kiamat =D"

True that.

Its getting harder each day.
I tend to think out of the box alot. Some say its a matured way to
look at things and not stick to one, same perspective.
But sometimes, the answer is just right under
our noses, but we don't realize it, or we just
ignore it because we just can't accept the truth behind
everything; Because We Ain't Ready Yet ..

sometimes i feel that my whole life is a joke. The way i look at things and what i get myself into seemed different from others. Not because of the fact that everyone is different in a sense but its just weird. have you ever felt that you're the only one , different from the rest of your family, or friends, or strangers? Its the feeling like you're up against the whole world and they're cornering you and always find faults with you. They blame you like as if its the biggest mistake you've made.

You'll feel like an outcast.
Thats just exactly what i feel..

I feel like i'm being crushed to the ground because i'm holding the weight of the whole world on my back. Its insane.

Even with friends, i feel left out sometimes, but not that left out. because i tend to think that my friends are always better in the things we do and they always have the better solutions; the wiser ones. I have this fequent thought that i'm born different from the rest of the world. just like the Ugly Duckling. but if we all graduated from kindergarten, we know that it turned into a beautiful swan and it stands out from the rest; a happy ending. Will it be for me?

Guess not.
Because not all stories end with a happy ending.

We all go through difficult times in our lives. And when we thought that its the biggest obstacle we'd come across, another BIGGER issue comes in play. and it'll cross our minds , " will it ever end?"

Now that question lingers in my mind each and every day, everytime. Because individually, i've gone through horrible experiences. Its like going through a battle; and it'll leave me limping like a wounded pup. Every something i come across, i'll take it that GOD is testing me. because you wouldn't learn anything if life has no challenge.
And someone thought me that GOD would NEVER test someone beyond that person's capabilities ...

sebab Allah sayangkan kita semue ....

It hurts to be feeling anoutcast and to know that you're going through it alone...
but did i complain? No. i never complained that no one is helping me when i get stuck in some shit. But i know i always talk to a friend just to let go whats been dwelling inside when i'm in trouble. Not always though. And honestly i remember vividly, everything that happened in the past that made my life what living hell it is now. but it also made me stronger and aware that i've gotta fight back..
Like this one ,

"I don't think that you're saying anything wrong and
i can't deny it, many things. I'm glad to hear that
from you..thankx Rahmat. lets do things one at a time
we'll be close and such..cuz i need you,.. in fact
I'm happy being with you"

before i explain lets take this with a pinch of salt.
It may sound like meaningful words from your loved one...
Yea it is. Its the most oldest text message in my HP which i have kept for a very-very long time.
and i'm still keeping it.

You know if you've made a promise, you're gonna have to keep it. Because promises are a very powerful tool. Maybe you'll break a promise because you can promise something BETTER, or maybe you'll break a promise because you know you've done a terrible mistake.
Even so, you wouldn't wanna break it. You'll make sure your promise comes reality.

Do we go all apologetic when we make a mistake and hope for forgiveness and there, thats it?
Personally i think its unfair. Think about it. Seriously, if i'm in a battlefield and someone needs help because hes injured, i can make him a promise that i'll come back with medication and go running around trying to save myself. I can promise a friend that i'll be at a place to meet him/her and just let my friend wait like an idiot for hours and i'll just ditch and go somewhere else. I can do that to a thousand people. Not only me, but you too.

but we don't do that. Because its human nature. We have a mind and we have a heart.

but what i don't understand is that, there are people who know they've made a big mistake and its theirs, and their fault alone, but they're still reluctant to admit. Most people wouldn't care and just carry on with their lives but what about those who have put high hopes and have waited long with patience? they'll be heartbroken and disappointed...

I still remember way back then, i gave a choice to someone, that i can just step back and give way to others who i assume can make her life better. But i was held back. she didn't want me to leave. but rather we become close. And we did. and the next day i received that message written above.

Is it my fault now?

I felt happy, i felt overjoyed..because someone needed me. what would you have felt if someone said that he/she needs you? You'll probably smile.
Because theres a difference between NEED and WANT.
If i'm in trouble and i need some cash, i'll probably go to Hafriz and say "hafriz i need 10 bucks dude.."
If he analysed my phrase correctly, he'd probably borrow me cash even without an explanation.
if i were to say " Hafriz i want 10 bucks dude "
he'd probably say GI MAMPOS or GO AND DIE.
because i'll sound like a rude youngster. And no one likes rude youngsters.

get the picture now?
and after time pass by, i was left drifting alone in the Red Sea while she sails on another ship.
you'll probably feel that you're being used.
That was what i felt back then.

But did i give up? No.
because feelings start to blossom and i find myself struggling with it because i'm going after something thats not turning and coming back.
but why did i even carry on and fight through it? even when it all seem pointless and meeningless..? Even friends told me to move on and but it did not have a hugh impact.

Because There was a glimpse of Hope.
and when there's hope, you'll definitely give it a shot and go after something that you need.

You won't stop. You know the chances are slim but you'll never stop. Its human nature.
You won't stop if you're being chased by police, you won't stop if you're being chased by a mad dog, you won't stop in a 400m race because you wanna give it a shot.

I held on for months and months...and hope grew thinner and thinner.
I admit i lied and i've made great mistakes too, but never did i cheat on it.
They say you forgive someone not for their benefit but for your own.
In my heart i forgave, because i thought it'll benefit me..
but it did not. Not as how i want it to be.

and finally i stop in my tracks and gave it thoughts.
and guess what?
I thought that if i'm not needed no more and i can't be there no more, the least i can grant her was to let go and let her treat me a total stranger because i know i've hurt her too many times in the midst of my struggle to achieve what i need.

and so i did grant it.
In the Holy month,..
and i guess it was accepted.

It was difficult , it was heartbreaking, but i did it with an open heart and i did it sincerely.
and i did not point a finger at her and blame for anything, but myself..

because i realise i wasn't good enough and not trying hard enough for her to see.
there are those who can do better.

I blame myself and only myself.
But i find something funny which maybe hilarious to you=D

they say, if you point a finger at others, you have four fingers pointing back at you, easy to say, you have to find your fault first before you blame others.
so, which means to say, if i point a finger at myself, i have 4 fingers pointing at the opposite direction?
I figured this out only a few week ago..
Its dumb.

I think the ramadhan month helped me alot. And so does my friends.
Its meaningful because you know you have them to get you back up.
Thank God i'm still alive and not crazy..
Thank you guys . My pillars of strength.
Go fireworks=) [ inside joke ...]

Well things have change a bit. feelings have changed and i think i became better. i don't slack no more and i do my work, at a really faster rate now.

But i'm still having trouble moving on. letting go is one thing, but moving on is another...
its a new phase i'll have to go through..
because for whatever actions i did in the past, it'll be remembered in the future..
and it has been proven.

Its really tough now...more tougher i guess.
I was being honest with myself to start new..
It all seems like it has been pre-planed, to pin me down.
Spreading false stories? rumors? toying with the past ?
Is that the game we're playing now? and i'm the victim?
why let me go through the hard way..?

I thought if we make mistakes, theres them to help us be a better person, not corner us to a spot and point to us like we've commited a grave sin ='/

things just don't go smoothly....
I'm trying my best...

God's Will...
Patience is beautiful..

i hope what i've been through hasn't been for nothing....

take care ya'll =')

~R@hm@t G~

Ps/: I know you don't think that i am trying. It looks like it because there are things i keep to myself but i wanna let it out before its too late to make any decisions and i'll regret it ;
Take care tauu! I'll be here for you if anything happens =')

Good luck foryour exam , Mar!

2008-10-18T03:50:00.002+08:00

Again, its about time i update my blog.
The funny thing is, when i'm so free like during these holidays, i can't be bothered to blog, but when school re-opens, i will blog almost everyday.
maybe its because i have too many things to do lately..
Yea i think it is.

So today , 18 October , 2008.
Time : 0400 hours

Last friday was our Hari raya outing with me and the Guys. Alot of things happened. It was a memorable outing i must say. The best part would be the fireworks after we set foot in the last house, which was farhan's.
Haha each of them made rockets and it became what looked like a rocket-flying competition. Haha , Hassan's rocket didn't levitate but it shot out sparks like those you see during NDP. Cool Shit i tell ya. And if i'm not wrong, Shaiful's rocket levitated sideways and it came after Harith. haha thats funny =)

Last Saturday, we all came over to Hafriz's crib to celebrate his belated 17th birthday. His mummy cooked all of us delicious food and his daddy bought him a BIG superman cake =)
loved ones were there too and we enjoyed it. At 11.30 pm we all went for a midnight movie; EAGLE EYE. Its worth it guys. Its worth your money. So go catch it. and not forgetting the presents. haha decoy presents was a joke and it cracked me more than it craked Hafriz. haha you gotta love us. We your friendssssss =) Hope you love the Album dude...

Lets move on to this week.

On Monday, I FORGOT WHERE'D I GO. -_-
i think i went to the library to teach a friend on mathematics at the Woodlands Library.
after bidding farewell, i met Harith, who happened to be on his way home from school. bought drinks and toured CWP.
yea....after that i went to see my cousins. haha miss them =)
I went home at about 10 pm.

On Tuesday, Hafriz, Iylia, Harith, Aizat and me went to civic's MacD to meet up with Hafriz's friends during the late afternoon. Stayed and chit chatted till about 8.30, and we were off.
Nothing much except the jokes between us. And everyone was being hyper crazy that night. good job keep up the good work guys =)

On Wednesday,
Yea Wednesday was marked EMERGENCY day.
Haha a friend called while i was still sleeping at 2.pm [ because i slept late in the morning.... ]
and said she needed help on chemistry because the O level practicals were commencing the following day. I happened to have all the topics and videos on the practicals in one CD. So i had to get up and meet up with her to pass the cargo.
Yea, thought her some tricks off my sleeve... i mean some tips =)
Then took the train together and i departed at admiralty to visit my cousin, ANOTHER cousin.
Miss them too =)
Headed home at about 10.30 pm.

On Thursday,
Went to Iylia's crib in the afternoon to PAWN HIS HALO 2 LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLO! =)
Haha we went for our prayers at Masjid An-Nur with Furqan and after Isyak, we headed back to his crib to eat the delicious Mee Bandung his mummy cooked for us. =)
me and Furqan left at around 10.30 pm.
Case closed.

So YESTERDAY, i went to a friends place with Furqan. haha Hari raya mood is still strong. Don't believe me? look around you =)
haha her family is really lovely and her daddy and mummy is kind and generous.
Even thought the house is small, its VERY3 comfortable... =)
I talked to her about alot of stuffs, and personal stuff.
Her mummy cooked delicious food and i had third helpings.
We talked and chit chat throughout the evening and we finally left at 9 pm.
I thank you alot for the hospitality.
terima kasih banyak2!

So today, im suppose to go to a Gig with my friends but i might not be going because i have last minute plannings with families. My family thingy should end in the afternon, but by the time i reach the Gig, it would probably have ended.
Still deciding ... hm ...

~

Ya know what , i've made some promises to myself and changes which i forced myself to do because i think it'll benefit some of the people whom i've trouble and hurt during the past ..

I know, its what you've been wanting all these while ...
I know you want to be free ..
I know ,.. no matter how long i hold on to those words of yours ,..
You'll never keep those promises...

We all know the reason, people.

So now, my promise has been made..
and i'll pray that God will give me the strength and patience..
To keep that promise ...

~

More to come the next time i blog ..
take care Gs ...

They never knew what happened ..

~R@HM@T~

Ps/: i'm innocent in my head, but inside i know i'm full of guilt. Everyone makes mistakes, even you, but we learn from them. I thought we should help those who are lost to become better, not put them at a spot and point fingers at them saying its the biggest mistake they can ever commit; just remember that you point 1 finger at someone, you have 4 fingers pointing back at you . I just want to start new ,.. but why toy with the past to ruin my future,.. ? I don't understand you ..

Ya Rab! Take care of Maryna ..

2008-10-10T01:33:00.002+08:00

Its been some time since i blogged.
Frankly, i have got nothing to share...

actually i do =)
But i'm just plain lazy to type it all out..
Its just those stories of me and my friends, joking and our usual outings and stuff...
no big deal ..
haha but if i've got nothing better to do, i'll blog more...

so , sorry readers....
This ain't no good bloggie...
=)

yea...so on Monday, met up with the guys, and we went to buy stuff at CWP. Then headed to Iylia's crib to chill....haha i know ; we're suppose to go on Friday [ today ...] during our Jalan raya.
But honestly i JUST GOTTA PLAY THAT HALO 2 GAME OF HIS.
I wanna get the feel. haha and it was dope! like better then Halo 1 accept for soem functions gone, like the health bar ans shit. Haha =)

On Tuesday, my friend and i went to this person's place to raya. Haha the house is small, but it feels nice ; comfortable and neat. Haha had a LONG chat with the mother. Man, she talks like she owns the world i tell you..haha =)

On Wednesday, all of my friends went to Mustafa Center for shopping, but i had to go to my Uncle's crib to prepare some stuff because he leaving for Genting on Thursday [ Yesterday ...].
Yea...
Of course; we Counter striked. =)
and i ordered KfC to feed my hungry cousins and uncle
THEN , i met up with the guys in the evening.
Haha and we headed home.

So YESTERDAY, I went to the library with Harith. I was still sleeping when he called, and it was 2.pm. Said he wanted to borrow some books so i tagged along. Had our lunch/Breakfast at Banquet; eating HQ.
Talk about alot of crap and shit =)
then we headed to Aizat's crib, ...
To see Aizat ... 0_0
At 7.30 , harith headed home and i accompanied a friend to buy school stuff.
Chit chat all the way back home...dadada ...
and i headed home, which i seriously intended not to. -_-

- You are so irritating =) i am NEVER EVER tagging along with you again if you don't behave and get your senses right, ..

Time Now : 4 am.

HAHAHA! YEA! today My friends and i will be going for Jalan2 Raya. Harith and i went very impatient because we kept changing the date, which is suppose to be yesterday...
DUE TO SOME/ALOT OF REASONS .....
which i don't mind as long as we all can get together and those people who troubled the planning committee can start putting aside a sum of money to treat us, no problem RIGHT??? =)

All has been planned. If anything goes wrong...
i am just gonna smile and shut up and let those pros do the job =)

ok shocking new now .... ='(

Its been quite some time... a long time actually...
And i must say, those who have been with me, should , or should i say , MUST have think by now that i'm an irritant, care-less, selfish, ignorant, Good-for-nothing jerk.

* cheers and applause*

Yea, i know....
You know who you are... so i need not name ya'll alright ...

Now, everyone is humble and modest when we're down right infront of family, friends or loved ones...
Hm, ok for instance ...
I skate [ you all know that... ] and Hidayat skates too.
We do alot of skateboard tricks and some of which, when one does it, the other one might not be able to do it.
so as an example, i will go,
" eh yat! how did you do that?? c'mon dude teach me that shit , you're one pro. I'm losing behind"
and Yat will go,
" haha no lah! its nothing, i see you skate way better then me! you know far more tricks than i do "
dadada ...
you guys get the picture right ,..?
[in actual fact, he IS better then me, so get this right ok ...]

So as a human being , we tend to put ourselves lower then the people around us ; things regarding looks, footwear, clothing, education , that stuff ...

Honestly, ..
the things i do involving the people around me , ..
I will never try to showoff or be proud or put myself in a higherposition then them ; family or friends or loved ones.
EVEN if we feel like doing it, we will try not to, right ,..?
because we know its wrong ...
Its like, the basic courtesy, politeness shit, you dig .. ?

because by doing it alot of things can happen...
Your friends might just think you're being a jerk and wouldn't want to hand out with you anymore.. or by doing that you might actually hurt their feelings, because they know YOU'RE better, but you made it worse by stressing it out to them..
and no one likes it ...

so basically, sometimes, you'll think that your friend is always better then you, in any situation , even though you know that you can be better then him/ her ...
You'll think that whatever you do, there is ALWAYS a better one ...
you'll think that amongst your friends, you're the worst ..
behaviour , attitude, character wise ...
even if your friend does worse then you, you'd help in a different manner, by respecting his/her work and assisting in whatever he/she is going thru ...

thats the kind of mentality i have now and before ...

But you know whats shocking , .... ?

ITS SHOCKING
when you find out...
THAT OUT THERE, THERE IS SOME FUCKTARD WHO IN ACTUALLY FACT, NOW, HAPPENS TO BE WORSE THEN YOU.

and it hurts me because that person happens to be a friend .....

why , .. ?

you see , ...
i've respected this person for quite a long time.
I always thought that person knows what he/she is doing ...
Basically everything you can think of ...
He/she is this .... he/she is that ...
and i held on to it ...

But now i don't know weather i should let go of that ...

ya know what, the most important thing i value, was the RESPECT i had for that person ...
='(

and believe me i didn't go around looking for any news or whatsoever shit on whats been happening ...
i've been praying that everything will be alright and GOD will guide me to the answers i need...

and i got it ..
even without going round frantically like a retard...

~

I seriously can't believe that you'll do such a thing ..
i've respected you even after what you've did...
but this is just to much ...

I'm not angry ...
I'm just deeply hurt and puzzled as to why you did such a thing ...

:'(

~

Tawwakalna alallah

Ya Rab!

Kenape lah bende2 gini semue baru nak jadi..
kenape tak siang2 ....

take care peeps...
talk to me personally if ya wanna know the story ...

~R@HM@T~

ps/: will be going to some houses today ... and i'm freakin stress right now , but can't back out ...
you don't know what the deal is here, man.
and to you, rest alot and take care :')

Selamat Hari Raya

2008-10-02T17:20:00.002+08:00

my blog might be dusty now.
its been quite some time since i updated my stuff.
I've been very busy lately, since last week was the last week of the Ramadhan month, so my friends and i were kinda busy, going to terawih and stuff, Qiyam at the Masjids...
Ramadhan is a very meaningful month for me, so i made use of the whole month to repent
[mcm phm]
Whatever good i did last month... i guess it can never be enough...
compared to the sins i've made...
MasyaAllah ....

I've already blog surfed a few days ago and i find alot of post regarding Hari raya, and atuff..
Haha its sweet though =D
But i ain't gonna post that all up...
One reason is that, this years Hari raya is not as meaningful as it was a year ago ...
due to ALOT AND LOT AND LOT of reasons...
Both friends and family stuff...
and believe me when i say, ..
Ramadhan is much more better than Hari raya,
don't you agree ,..? =))
it definitely is..
I rather have another month of Ramadhan , HAHA!

another reason is...

i've sent individual messages to almost ALL my friends during the morning of hari Raya..
RIGHT????
so don't complain ...
haha means i typed personal messages to each of ya'll, ok?
dah dpt message tu, gi lah simpan buat kenangan smpai next year, beyh next year aku anta lain nye..hehe =)

hm..maybe i'll talk about some things..
during the night of Raya, we all went for Tahlil and we Takbir at masjid Assyafaah. HAHA PAKAI MICROPHONE LAK TU! but we all were shy so only Furqan did it ... haha Marha, marha! [ mcm phm, hehe]. So after that , me, Iylia, Idris, Furqan and Hassan planned to play with fireworks..
Yea i know it sounds childish, but we have our own ways ok...
Idris went home because he gotta study for his EOY exams, which is today,..
Good luck guys =DDD

So the rest of us were looking for fireworks but all the shops have closed up. Hassan said his cousins still got alot of fireworks and fire crackers at home, so we plead him to ask for some =DDDD
Haha since Hassan just got back from johor as he is schooling at a private school there, we told him that its a once a year opportunity that we get to play fireworks, so hr agreed and we went to his cousin's crib, coincidentally near my house.
Haha his cousin is so cute! I forgot her name...
and they got a pet rabbit, which is more cutter! HAHA

After we got our precious cargo, we set off to admiral Garden and started making ROCKETS.
haha but non of them we lighted actually levitated =DD
so we played with the rest of the fireworks like little kids =DD
lalala ...
haha we were'nt the only ones playing, there were alot of other people too...
and it was already 1 am.

so we headed home.

haha, and yesterday, went to my grandparent's place from my mum's side, as usual,
all the kecoh2....makan2, kuih raya, minta maaf, nangis2 ...semuelah ...
then in mid afternoon, went to one of my cousin's place, from my mum's side also.
My uncle held an open house, so all of use headed there.
so i only Raya'd to two houses on the first day.

Today, i'm staying at home since there are no plans on going out.
But just now i went to Cause way point with aizat and Farhan to buy..
ADELAH BENDE KITE BELI...
haha kalau ckp nanti rahsia tersebar lak..
i got myself a new earpiece for my mp3
[ Harith's mpr to be exact, and he borrowed to me since he got alot =D ]
and then we went to Banquet; our main HQ for MAKAN.
then we all MAKAN LAH APE LAGI.

haha today around Maghrib my cousins from my mum's side are bombing my crib.
hahahahaha confirm kecoh!
main game semue..haha

hm..

~

Sesungguhnya ku meminta ampun dengan seikhlas hati...
Jika tidak dimaafkan pun tak mengapa..
ku sentiasa berdoa agar engkau bahagia disisi keluarga, kawan2 ..
dah orang yg engkau cintai..

Aku baru sedar siape diriku ini...
tetapi apa yang telah ku buta..
itu semue ku buat dengan seikhlas hati...
tidak guna aku membuatnya untuk membanggakan diri ...

~

To some of you guys, who i've sinned alot ...
I seek for your forgiveness..
i can't write much...
but you have received my messages , right ,..?

May Allah bless all of you ...

Selamat Hari raya

~R@HM@T~

Ps/: Susungguhnya, Hati kita kdng2 berubah. Kalau awak bleyh berubah smpai mcm gitu, sampai tak ingt kita lagi, ape kite bleyh buat; awak dah selesa dngn kehidupan awak dngn diorang di sekeliling pinggang. Dan kepada awak ; hati kita makin terpikat ... bukan kerana rua sahaje, tetapi kerana hati la ... :')

Mistakes, Apologies, Forgiveness, Maryna

2008-09-22T03:07:00.003+08:00

Been off for a few days because i'm busy.
plain busy.
But now the holidays have come kneeling before my feet.
=)

YES. HOLIDAY.

ok no jokes for today....
I want to get to some serious talk...
I walked home today and it just struck this thick skull of mine..
and i know i've talked to a friend about this before...

Mistakes, Apologies and Forgiveness.

Yea. everyone makes mistakes. you, me, them, everyone. We make mistakes every once in a while, and most of the time we don't realize it. true that. Its something you can't run away from, you all know this to be true, right?
I don't think a person would want to repeat a particular mistakes just for the sake of repeating it. In other terms, for fun. Mistakes can change a whole lot of things. it can end a friendship, a relationship. It gets you into trouble. True that.

A friend once told me,

" You know what , i believe that in our lives, we will make a single, particular mistake; the first one we'll ever commit, and then we will learn from it, and we will not repeat that mistake no more, because we got our first ever lesson from it already...."

I think thats really true, don't you think..?
But it does not go for all circumstances; it goes to more like those serious, offensive mistakes.
But tell me, how many people can understand that,... ?
let me explain ...

ok, imagine this.
You lied to a friend today because of something and you had to do it as it was personal; a friend who you have just got to know a few days back.
It was the biggest mistake you can commit to that friend and you apologize to that friend sincerely.
THAT was your FIRST mistake; lying to that friend.
The next few days, you accidentally shout at that friend because you are angry. And you know it hurt your friend's feelings...and you apologize to your friend...
NOW THAT, is your SECOND mistake; shouting to that friend.
The next few days, you are suppose to meet that friend at a certain time but you showed up late because the buses were full and it was hard to get a cab , and you texted your friend. But that friend is angry...
And you apologize.
THAT, is you THIRD mistake; being late for meeting that friend.

now, you've lied to your friend, you've shouted to your friend, but you learned your lesson, which is a good thing. And i believe you will not repeat those two mistakes in any status or situation, true?

BUT, by the third mistake you've committed, your friend says that he/she is getting tired of you and had enough of your apologies. He/she decided to end your friendship.

You are heartbroken because you've just lost a new found friend that you think can end up in a beautiful friendship that'll last long; forever.
You'll think that you deserve it and that it was all your fault and you're are just not to good for anything.

Honestly, i don't think so.

lets read this.

" Forgiveness is never easy. You don't forgive people for their benefit. You do it for your own "

heard of it before?

Yea. Thats true too.
But think about it.
After reading the above scenario, The "you" which i will now refer to as "Sparrow" is not in a fair situation.
Don't you think Sparrow is not treated fairly?
really, think about it.
Sparrow is sincere about his friendship to his friend. but like other people, he commit first time mistakes for everything; lying, stealing, you name it.
But because the friend thinks forgiving Sparrow will not benefit him/her, they broke their friendship.
it would be a fair situation is sparrow repeats a certain mistake everytime, like for example; Sparrow lies to his friend alot of times, and most of the time he lies for his own benefit.
That would be fair and i would think that Sparrow does not deserve such friendship from his new friend..
true ,..?

Haha.
This is an open topic alright,..?
which means i'm not try'na act all smart and shit ya know ..
Which also means you readers can have different opinions, but i'm just stating mine ...

Personally and honestly, after much discussion,..
It struck my mind.

I just thought that those people who don't forgive others because they don't consider these factors that i've mentioned,
think that they're well too perfect for the world.

Why did i say that?
well , if you think about it, If someone is not easy forgiving, you can say that the person is perfect, don't you think?
simply saying, you can assume that that person will not even make the mistakes YOU make in your life, because he/she doesn't forgive.
Ain't that true?

but think about the number of times you didn't forgive your friend because of a mistake he/she did, and think of the number of times YOU make the same kind of mistake; doesn't matter to the same friend, or other people.

Has it ever struck ya'll before,..?
haha maybe it has now ..

Listen up ...
For goodness sake, If our own Prophet MUHAMMAD S.A.W can forgive the sins of his people,
Then who the hell are we to not forgive our loved ones, our friends, our cousins for their mistakes.., ?
For all we know, even if we forgive someone because of a mistake, its doesn't even come close as compared to how our Prophet forgave the sins of his people.

Now again. i ain't try'na act clever or shit and try'na act all good like an angel
But just think about it for a moment,...
ain't that all true ,..?

But believe me ,..

There is a lot of people out there who still doesn't know true meaning of forgiveness ...
And i was one of them before ..
=')

i just want to share this with you guys because i just thought it'll be good for all of us ..
and it might just change us and the way we look at things ..
To think about it, theres more to it then just forgiving ,..
How hard can it be, ..?
How hard can it be to forgive someone for the mistake they've made ,..?

Think about it ..

~

A short one here .

I can't believe after all this time, you still treat me like how you treat me 8 months back .
I'm still waiting ...
I just don't understand why am i given such treatment, while those new to you, you treat them like you know them for years ...
Stranger, ? if you really want to distance yourself fom me, you don't intend to see me, hear me, then please...don't spare the thought about me ..
if you just throw me away, wouldn't it be better for you..? Will it make your life better..?
it it does, then carry on ...
You say you on't but the thing is, you're showing it ....
I rather you treat your guys with care and concern and entertain them and your new found friends and those who are already by your side, rather then having one good for nothing idiot you got to know at an open house last year ; bothering you every once in a while like a pest and not having a single response ...

think about it ok ..
and when the time comes ,,..
Don't be afraid to come up to me and tell me everything and hurt my feelings ...
It doesn't matter anymore ..
I guess what matters is that you get your happiness..
and you friends and love ones you once had back then ..

=')

Take care..

~R@HM@T~

Ps/: I keep praying that you'll have a better life then me .. and God have answered my prayers... but whatever happens, i'me here for you .. to lend a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on ..you have my word ...

emergency

2008-09-16T17:53:00.001+08:00

Yea,
Ladies and gentlemen, i'l like to thank Ya'll for coming down tonight..
Its my third album, third tour, third time's a charm...

Haha ..

50 cent- Follow my lead

Yea...so 14 of September, 2008 is the 15th day of the Ramadhan month.
Time flies fast, doesn't it?

I'll make it brief because the inernet at Zat's crib is laggy.

It'll be almost two months now.
Mayne, i can't believe i got this far.
How tough it gets now, it is still meaningful to me... ya feelin' me?

But i have to confess that i'm still strugglin with this and that shit..
people ain't talking and stuff, and i don't now why..

I just want to say, whatever it is, if telling me would hurt my feelings,
it'll be better ya know ,...
If it makes your life better and somehow the outcome will distance me away from you, if that is what you want...then do tell me ok...

Weather i get hurt or not, i don't think it matters no more...

OK NVM. WE STOP HERE. GOT EMERGENCY. ADE HAL.
SO LATER CONTINUE.

=))))

~R@HM@T~

Ps/: If you got a new one, please tell me. You've adapted to your new life, what am i suppose to do? stranger right,..? i can only wait right...you got nothing to lose,..? Yea...true that

Maryna, talk to me please ... =')

2008-09-12T02:46:00.002+08:00

Nothing much happened on Thursday, 11 September.
I stayed at home until it was time to break fast.
Then, went to the masjid with Aizat and shaiful and Iylia.
After praying session, we went to the most beloved place a person an go when hes hungry ;
The Bazaar =)
Yea bought food and ate with my homeys.
Headed home.
Saw weird stuff.
Not ghostly stuff alright, but more to...
ok nevermind.

Its 3 am now.
woohoo and im still infront of my computer.
i realized that i'm spending time with my computer more often then before.
Maybe its due to boredom and due to the fact that its the fasting month, so i tend to sleep late, and when i plan to do my projects and i feel tired i end up playing games and listening to music and stuff.

Currently munching on Waffle Crisp Cereal and listening to music.
Waffle Crisp is the best cereal i've eaten so far.
Its been a long time since i actually ate cereal.
Bought it two days ago and its almost finished.HAHA=)

I've got to start on my model, but im just plain lazy.

ok forget to mention.
if you are observant enough, you'll realize that MY BLOG is abit weird..
haha thats because im PLAIN LAZY to change my blog skin.
so bear with is till i change it.
Maybe to something cartoon or stuff.

Hmm, lets list down what i need.. NEED OK...not WANT.

-Nintendo DS
-New set of trucks for sk8board
-new black jeans that
-new set of bearings for sk8board
-MP3
-Laptop
-new pair of shoes[i know i have a new pair, but i need another]
-more pens and markers and sketchbooks for school
-A NEW BAG[ major priority! some of ya'll know why right? ahha]
-some plain T-shirts[ i want a green one ...]
-Respect[please don't label.... please ..]
-Harith to burn me another COUNTER STRIKE SOURSE CD
-Harith to help repair my CD drive
-Harith to company me to ARTFRIEND
-Harith to give me some new games[you dont want me to spam the same game everyday right....]
-Harith to listen to some important stuff from me =)

And for her to talk to me again, ... and listen to me so that i can work things out and know about the things behind it ...

in other terms, i need you ...

Now for what i WANT =)

-XBOX 360 BAYBEY!
-GAMEBOY MICRO BAYBEH!
-A NEW DECK BAYBEH!
-A WATCH BAYBEH!
-new songkok
-new set of baju kurung for this year's Hari Raya
-a laser snipe toygun that Hafriz and Harith has so i can laser down people hehe
-new earpiece

haha thats about it i think.
Its alot right?
haha and the reason why i put my new baju Kurung in my list of wants is because i dont think its that important. I can wear last year's outfit and still look stunning. HAHA jkjk=)
but seriusly...
i lloked like a ****** pimp last year because of my outfit colour.
TRY GUESS.

~

ya know what i pray for you each day after my prayers, ..?

I pray for you to have a better life then me ..
For you to have more then enough Happiness and Love ..
Loved ones and friends to complete your life ..
I pray that God will lift the burden and the pain and the sorrow you're having..
So that your heart will be clean from them ,..
I pray that each day will be a better day for you then the previous ..
I pray that you'll always have your friends and loved ones around you all the time ,..
Giving you the attention you need and deserve ...
and creating sweet memories that'll last an eternity ...

you deserve it ...
Because i'm a no one ...
And you're a far better person then i am ,...

~

Take care ,...

=')

~R@HM@T~

Ps/: Please talk to me ,... i mean no Harm. I'm just lost and curious jus like any other person who'd feel the same way. I just want things as before it all happened ,... tat its all ... :'/

Make New Living Arrangements, Girl

2008-09-10T02:14:00.002+08:00

My course mates will be going to Melacca for the fieldtrip on thursday.
i guess i won't be tagging along.
Means more time to work on my model.

Yea.
I'm infront of my computer and my initial plan was to make furniture for my house model; miniature ones.
Its 2.30 am.
i think i can do it later *drag*
or maybe in school...

Today im just gonna post some random facts as i do my work.
and maybe some load shit of stuff, depending on my status.

-

hm, hardcourt has alot of shit on it, small stones and stuff. Maybe one day me and the guys can get together and bring broomsticks and clean the whole area before we skate. That way we wouldn't be falling and jerking off our boards when the wheel jams with those things. Its irritating. I've fallen alot of times unexpectedly and it hurts...

You know, we ain't all perfect.
Thats perfectly impossible.
They can say alot of things and give alot of advices, but it just puzzles me why they never practice what the preech..
"you can't be like this" and "you can't be like that" ... -_-
But i know that sometimes we don't realize or mistakes...
but even if you do, would you repeat it and pretend you don't realize it,..?
Thats called stupid, right?

backstabbing and double-crossing plus spreading false stories and rumors about other people is seriously wrong, and that is definitely not the way to resolve conflicts or simply because of grudges or revenge.
You might want to think of the consequences.
Then, you might want to think of the person; your victim.
And maybe think of what he/she has done WRONG, or not done anything, or maybe what he/she has done for you,
And you might wanna ask yourself why you're doing it...
BEFORE you excecute your next move ,...

My skateboard bearings and nuts sucks.
need to get new ones.
Period.

Don't judge a book by its cover, same goes for you and me.
if you THINK that a particular person is judging you,
ask yourself weather you're doing the same thingg.....
before you make wild assumptions and hurt the person's feelings.

I HOPE IT WON'T RAIN TODAY, THURSDAY, FRIDAY, AND SATURDAY.
I hope so.
I have alot of things going on outside, and i don't want the rain to be an obstacle...

If you did something wrong, or realize that you already did something wrong, and it somehow affected someone or a group of people,....
think of these people deeply...
and just don't stray away after you've caused a hell lot of damage...
atleast try to convince them you're sorry and try to help out..
because that perosn might be in a confused and lost state...
and what you did might have already affected his/her life..
Pity, right ,.. ?

-

That was general ok.
its all mixed up so just read.

~

i don't want to pressure and i don't want to rush..
but sometimes i just can't wait,...
how small it is, it is still important to me..
I'm still looking for answers and i'm waiting

I pray and hope that one day,
you'll open up your heart
to clear the doubts....and to listen...

That would be one of my happiest days ,..

~

Holding on to faith..
be patient..

My stakes gets better each day.

Take care, ..

~R@HM@T~

Ps/: Have Faith in what you do, alright ..? It all seems farfetched, but believe me, it might not be true; all of it. It might be different from what you thought it was. and it might end up differently. We wouldn't want to regret right,...? :')

Damage, Maryna

2008-09-08T02:56:00.002+08:00

2 more weeks.
And i'll be free , i think.

ditching my crib at 6.
A few hours of sleep.
revising some maths now.

My eyes were wide open when i took a look at some interesting pictures.
0_0

But still,
we gotta adapt to the imperfection.
Everyone have imperfections.
No one is 100% perfecto.

~

I just did as told by you ,
because i know that you know that you know yourself better
so it was your decision.

and now look at the damage ......

I got heat now.

that is so great...
being blacklisted by someone else ain't a joke ,...
You don't know how hurting it is...

I'm outty

~R@HM@T~

Ps/: Go play somewhere else. You're free. i've let go, as ordered. Fly baby, fly .

Maryna, dont isolate me..

2008-09-06T13:06:00.002+08:00

Had the meeting yesterday.
Discussed about alot of things.
i personally think that its pressurizing.
The demands high....but maybe we can adapt to it, soon.

I went for Terawih alone yesterday.
saw alot of familiar faces...

I don't know what i'm gonna do today.
Seems like a perfect day to skate, but i feel like not tiring myself today..
I may be going to the Library, or maybe the National Library to come up with designs for my final assignment.
And i wanna get my computer fixed too.
CD drive is busted. And I CAN'T PUT CDs IN.
MOFO!!!!!!!!!!

You know, things gets weird each day.
Sometimes they go good, sometimes bad; it fluctuates you know.
I hate it sometimes, and it gets irritating...
One moment you think that everything is going to be alright, the next moment, it turned out differently from what you expected.

I don't how how long i can't take it....
Just be patient......
hm .....

~

Am i suppose to stay away ,.. ?
I feel isolated ....
everytime i try , you won't answer ...
i keep wondering why .
something so personal that you shun me away ....
hm ,.....
I had no idea this would happen ...
When i got to know you, i thought you were someone who wouldn't do this ...
now it happened, i'm puzzled myself...

I just wish that i have the answer to it soon...
If it makes life easier ,...
i wish you can tell me straight to the face...
Your thoughts and feelings...
They're far more important...

I'm a nobody to anyone.
Its like i belong to somewhere else... not here...
i dont feel that i belong anywhere ,...

It just gets frustrating...
Like others i want the best for things too ...
but would you listen, ...?

I just need a chance ...

Stay happy...and take care ...

:'(

~R@HM@T~

Ps/: We was born hustlin'. But now I'm strugglin'.... help me out ok ...

Happy Birthday Maryna!!! :')

2008-09-05T02:43:00.002+08:00

2 more weeks to my long holiday/break whatever you call it.
Then it'll be Hooray2 for me.
Just gotta breeze thru this 2 more weeks of project.
Model making, drawings, and everything.

I went to the skate shop at Woodgrove yesterday and i realized that i need a pair of new skateboard trucks.
The thread[ is that right] for the wheel part is dead already.
Bottomline is; new trucks.

Went for Terawih with Hafriz, Harith, Aizat, Iylia, Farhan and Saiful yesterday.
After which, we ate Ice Kachang.
Been a long time since we last did that.

I'm still doodling infront of the computer listening to music and reading thru the Guitar Tabs.
its 3 am now.
I'm not that sleepy...i guess...

~

Just want to take this opportunity to wish Someone

A Happy 17Th Birthday!!!!!!!

I pray that your life be full of Happiness, Joy and laughter. May you have lots of friends and always have love and happiness around you!
May GOD bless you and protect you from danger and the ill-doings of people..
And may GOD shower you with his guidance and blessings...insya'allah..

Always be happy with your family and friends by your side, ok ?
Good luck for your exams and hope you'll pass them with flying/running/swimming colours!

I'm sorry if i did any grave mistake...
It was all unintentional...
I want whats best too.....
So again i take this chance to apologize for anything i've done wrong, if any..

The truth is,

From the day till now i treasure every bit of what had happened..
although half way, it went half dead, i didn't care at all...
getting things back alright was the only thing running thru my mind...
And believe me, i'm aware that i'm a totally new person to you...
but it didn't matter because i wanted to start new..
and getting to know you more and more is what i'm looking forward to...
theres still more to you then meets the eye ,...
and i don't want to stop =')
i can only do so much...but the rest is up to you.....

the things around you and the things that happen completes your life..
treasure them always, and create more memories

:')

You know the little things that makes up someone...and every one is different..
but sometimes we don't realize, that those little things
makes a person special...

And you are special.

I care for you...
i'll be here if you need a listening ear...
and i'lll definitely be here for you when you need someone...

I'll pray that everything will be alright.....

Take care ,..

smile always ok ,.. ?

:')

~R@HM@T~

Ps/: You're running thru my mind everytime like nothing that has happened in my life before.. :')

Pray that Everything is alright

2008-09-04T02:14:00.002+08:00

yea..had school yesterday.
Deadline for Autocadd.
It really sucked.
The computer suck.
Printer suck.
You all suck.
And stop provoking me and making me angry ???
I'M FASTING, PLEASE RESPECT THAT ATLEAST.
damn it...

No comments on yesterday.
I expect today will be worse.

Hm, thankx for your advice =)
you are right...i should not let myself down just because of comments and criticism...
Its easier said then done,...
But lets be patient...

hee~

I'm having the itch to skate.
But it'll be tiring...

maybe i'll skate during the late afternoon, so after that i can break my fast sooner =)

REMINDER TO SELF : REPAIR YOUR TRUCKS AS THE NUT OF ONE OFF THE WHEELS KEEPS COMING OFF. PLEASE DO SO BEFORE YOU SKATE

btw a few hours back at the mosque for Terawih prayers, met up with Yat and Nas.
haha but it was raining....and they brought their motorbikes.

~

hmm,.... things may seem ok now...but i doubt so it'll stay for long..
sometimes i have this weird feeling that everything is going to happen again...
I just want everything to be normal and alright,.. thats all..
but i know it'll take time to achieve this...

Everyone know themselves well..
but sometimes, other people know you better because you're just blinded by things..
hmm..how do i put it..
Its like...you know those times when you are stubborn in making a decision for yourself because you know it'll benefit you and make your life easier rather then listening to your friend because in your heart you say " I know myself better then anybody else", but it turned out your friend was right..?
Yea..its like those kind of situations...
it may not be true for all cases...but sometimes it is...
hmm...its just that sometimes other people make wiser decisions then us..and we ought to listen and take advice..

Like theres this one time, My friends and i were skating, and it was drizzling and my friend suggested to skate in the multi-storey carpark and i said no because peole will complain and the police will come...but he insisted...that idiot=)
When we were tired and resting from skating, a police car revved into the carpark and we had to make a run for it...

haha not Try'na show i'm a good boy or something..its just a story im using as an example..

~

I just hope i can know about the truth soon..
because there is no point running from the truth...

My intentions are good, you have my word...
being honest and sincere and patient is the simplest yet toughest thing a someone can do for another someone..

ain't i right,..?
True that. =)

I need you to guide me in this because i'm lost in it and i can't solve it by myself by making assumptions and conclusions ...
if i knew what was going on i would have given time instead of being a nuiscance..
but i don't, and you were right by saying i got myself wrong...
For now i'm glad...but i know its temporary..

take care ,..
I pray for the best..
Hope everything will be alright soon..

:')

~R@HM@T~

PS/: Don't laugh at me and how i am.....i'm still learning ok....and instead of shuving me down, please guide me ,.. ? :'/

Avenged sevenfold

2008-09-02T00:36:00.002+08:00

12.30 am.

M. Shadows
Synyster Gates
Zacky Vengeance
Johnny Christ
The Rev

They're the toughest. Songs' the hardest.

no school today.
I can clear my mind of all things.

how glad i am, I'm most worried.
I can't explain it. I just feel different.
maybe you'll understand if you're in my shoe ...
But i hope it'll be alright soon...
I really hope so....

='/

Take care alright..., ?
Smile always...

~R@HM@T~

Ps/: cross my fingers and keep up the Faith. Evetything is going to be alright...and i'm here to help too .... :')

recall

2008-09-01T02:00:00.005+08:00

This post was meant for 1st September 2008
Time : 2.00 am

Went for terawih prayers with my homeys a few hours ago.
Which was yesterday.
It somehow brought memories mayne..
The first day is always the best=D

So yea today is the official day of this year's fasting month.
I have a presentation today.
And i should be talking alot today.
I have this feeling that today will be along day.
Leaving my crib at 6.30.
Haha i guess i'm not sleeping.

Ya know what, ?
i'm just puzzled to whatever that has happened.
Really, I ain't angry, like that kind of freakin' angry..
but i'm a bit pissed off...and you might say disappointed...
why, ..?
i don't even know myself...and i'm still looking for answers...
And its the month of ramadhan ; things just gets tougher, ya see?
its going to be tough...really2 tough..
But i know imma pull thru...
I've been thru shit before, i can do this...
Just got to keep my Faith up and be Strong...
Right always win.

Can't you help me as i'm starting to burn
too many doses and i'm starting to get an attraction
My confidence is leaving me on my own
No one can save me and you know i don't want the attention

-Avenged Sevenfold ; Bat Country

I ain't stoppin' Till the time comes.
you have my Word.

Take care. i'm outty.

~R@HM@T~

Ps/: i did alot of sacrifices back then, because i thought being nice and caring was good. And now, at the point where I'm taking a big leap out of my shitty life, just so i can start clean, history repeats itself. What have i done to deserve this? from what i know; I left my previous life CLEAN. If i was to live a lie and still LIVE with it, you can tell the whole world i'm a heartless bastard.
because i ain't scared. I just don't know what i should be guilty of... :'(

escape artist

2008-08-31T02:30:00.003+08:00

yea it 3 am and i'm still doodling infront of the monitor.
browsed thru some pictures at friendster=)
found some interesting stuff.

So yesterday i went to the library with Red.
read up on architectural stuff and some skate magazines.
I can't believe Ramadhan is here already.
haha we get to fast.
We get to go to the mosque often! haha
means more time to do good...
and more time to hangout at night....and play with sparklers!
Muahaha we are rocket scientists!

But it will come and go and i will miss it.
Last year brought memories.
This year? MORE.

Its happening.
I should be prepared, should i..?
It was the work of an artist, a perfectionist.
Maybe i was blinded by the actions of that person.
i thought being nice was suppose to be good. But some people took advantage of it.
believe me, i ain't angry...
But its more like i'm PUZZLED now..

Why did it ever happen..?
I already have conclusions and assumptions in my mind...
I want to keep it quiet..
Or maybe i'll tell someone...

why..? WHY?

This things happen when i get to happy or i try to make myself happy. really.
I won't say things that'll make a person's feelings get hurt.
I'll just wait and see...because theres no point pointing fingers....its just not the way..
Just wait and see which chess piece moves first.

God, forgive my sins.

I swear....i am not aware of my wrong doings.
I believe that a person will make a first ever mistake for something.
And that he will remember it in the future and will not repeat it in any circumstances..
because no one wants to makes mistakes...
He just needs the opportunity to prove it ..

Right Red..?

I guess i've gone thru enough experience, but THIS ONE...is the saddest most toughest.
why..?
The reason is fairly simple; I care and i Treasure.
But how hard can it get..?
hmmm...

you don't need a lighter to light a Candle.

~R@HM@T~

Ps/: She is an escape artist! But i am going to find you! :')

Pop that Bitch

2008-08-30T02:44:00.006+08:00

You Know, I wish that you'd Understand.
it Ain't easy.
Its complicated.
If i had a time machine, i'l go back to the past, undo my mistakes.
if i had it, i will go to the future, see if my predictions are true, and come back well prepared.
But i can't.
I'm just relying on my senses and my capabilities.

He Is a Choke Artist.
She is a Con Artist.

This whole crowd looks suspicious,
Its all dudes in here, except for these bitches
These leaders of the free world rookies
LOOKIE HOW CAN SIX DICKS BE PUSSIES?!

That was random. Think.

haha imma take the quote from FRIZZAY

You Can fake a Fact, But You definitely Can't Fake a BLUFF.

sooner or later....

Just be patient.
be strong.
be on your guard.

I'm Outty.

~R@HM@T~

Ps/: imma pop That Bitch, ya feelin me?! Snitch. Ditch bruh.

beef

2008-08-28T02:54:00.003+08:00

Its 3am now and im doing my work with gastric pain.
C'MON MAN THIS IS BAD TIMING I'M LIKE STRUGGLING WITH MY WORK AND THE NEVER-ENDING PAIN HEREE!!

I think i ain't going to sch today...
i have not slept...yet...and i have to leave home by 6.

Sigh, funny things happen when i get too happy..
Not funny, but bad things...
i got stories to back me up. I don't know why hut this seems true.

guesss what?
about the same period now, something like what i'm facing now happened a year ago.
not the same thing...but i mean bad things that happened, it happened at the about the same time as before.

maybe its a challenge from GOD.
I think it is.
I'ma take it with alot of patience...
like i never did before -_-

Do i have to go this everytime,?
is it like a yearly thing or something...? Damn bruh...

Maybe they WANT to see me in this state.
I have the feeling that they're enjoying it...
Maybe this is like a revenge sort of thing you know.
i'm not try'na be cocky or something, but it just seem like it.
I know, out there someone will go ' HOW CAN YOU BE SO SURE OF YOURSELF?"
ya know what, i hate it because they know they have an explanation but they just like to beat about the bush.
IT KILLS RIGHT?
My senses tells me that theres some beef goin' on.
But i can't remember anything bad that happened last time.
What i can say is, i started new, and CLEAN....
No fights whatsoever....

I'll have to wait and see, .... again....
now, i got heat man.

here we go again....

Thats it man. I'm outty.

~R@hm@t~

Explore

2008-08-27T01:52:00.003+08:00

This suck.
I got school at 9 and i have to leave home by 7. Its 2 am now.
But i got my sleep just now so no big deal.. I'll sleep in lecture or in the bus or something if im dead tired.
Doing a bit of research on natural ventilation and multi-tasking alot of stuff now.
Taking a break.
yesterday, went to IJC because they got rehearsal for teacher's day performance.
Yea so went to Hafriz's school for practice; not me, but Iylia and Harith.
Got into alot of trouble.
For trespassing and stuff. but we had visitor passes, mind you.
We couldn't practice there, so we just went home.

Read some skate magazines in the library yesterday with Harith and Iylia while waiting for Hafriz.
Got to know some crazy facts about some stuff which you all don't wanna know =)
Yea...and played that game at Harith's Lappy.
TEST DRIVE isit..?
haha...then i remembered we talking about heat.
You know...when you are wanted, you got heat. Its like you can't be in a certain area or can't be seen and stuff.

SPEAKING OF HEAT...

you know, on Monday, when i reached woodlands after school, at about 9 or 10 pm, i didn't went home straight.
when in the bus, curiosity just got into me you know; it kills to be curious.
SO, i carried myself around a certain part in the Hood im living in.
its remote, quiet and all, because there ain't many cars passin' by at that area.
BTW i can't tell you where; It'll just blow up everything.
when i alighted the bus, i had two choices.
choice 1 : walk home safely and put the curiosity aside and play my computer and do my work happily at home
choice 2 : walk into the heat zone, with chances of getting stalked upon and beaten up, or worse, get spotted by SOMEONE, OR WORSE, risk not getting home..haha
I took choice 2.
And it was a WISE choice. I'll explain.

After alighting, i went into that area. It was quiet when i stepped into the HDB flat areas because i was quite a distance away from the road. I was looking for some things. so i phoned a friend and i asked her for directions because she lives in that area. I walked around. it wasn't that quiet because there were a few people carrying out their own activities and stuff so i wasn't that scared or self-cautious. the trees in that area were big and tall. I didn't see anything funny ok! =) haha no need to mention what.

I didn't want to be seen because i know i should not be there ALTHOUGH that residential area was quite near to mine; maybe a distance away. The reasons are personal. Only the best will know what i'm talking about. i just can't be seen by this person.

I was wearing my hoody jacket, so i flip the hood to cover my head, so that i'm not recognized easily. And also to shield myself from the raindrops from the trees and bird sh** ( you wont know; the trees are big)

There were teenagers and cleaners hangin' out in the area i'm in, so it was kind of stupid to walk alone at night. And if i remember, it was 10pm already. They could have approached me and i would have got myself into trouble, but i just went on. I put on this stupid fierce face everytime a person makes eye contact with me, just so to scare them. HAHA that was one funny moment.
I continued walking, exploring the area, and at the same time, memorizing and noting all spots and corners in that area.
It was tedious to remember my way in the area because the pathway and pavement and roads along the residence were haywire, like they are not systematic; its all complicated. And it was difficult to find a certain block number because they were messsed up, if you know what i'm sayin'.
SO, i took out my trusty sketch book. HAHA
I stood at a spot in the middle of that residential area, somewhere in a middle of a road leading to the inside of a carpark.
I pictured the whole area on a plan view by looking around for a while and picturing whatever there is around me, especially the flats and multi-storey carparks, and i just sketch them out..HAHAHA=)
weird..but clever* raise eyebrow up and down* =)

I wasn't sure weather it'll work. So i walked all the way to my starting point, and i directed my way to a certain spot in the residence with the map as my guide. And it worked.
I'm proud to be a design student. HAHA.

STILL, after alot of risks and walking around, i was not satisfied with what i was going.
Believe me, i was not aware of what i was doing that time.
I wanted to get a view of the whole area, so basically i needed to get to higher ground.
i went up this specific block all the way to the third last floor.
which? HAHA ain't tellin ya.
And i tell you, the view was perfect.
from that block, i could see almost everything. I thought i caught a glimpse of Aizat's block.
So again, i took out my sketch book and drew out what i saw on plan view.
I was always looking around the whole time. haha maybe i WAS scared. It was dark. And when i was up at that floor, i didn't want to look suspicious.

After all that, i took the lift down, and when i reached the main road, i realised i was already at a different point of the area. I could see the point where i started my journey; and it was quite a distance. I made a big round in the residence just to get to that specific point. HAHA . i could have followed the road. It would have saved alot of time.

After all that, i walked all the way to Woodlands North Plaza, got myself a drink, and walked home.

And i learned ALOT.

-Studied a part of my neighbourhood.
-Your neighbourhood is bigger then what it seems, but sometimes its smaller then what it seems.
-I learned that i can never get lost in woodlands; to be specific- the area im living in.
-Always remember that there is someone out there, watching you when you least expect it, everytime.
- If a person comes up to you acting suspicious and ask "eh what are you doing here alone??",
spread out your arms, give him that fierce look and open your eyes and look into his and say
" Do you have a problem?? mind your own business, bruh" just to scare him off =)
- It ain't that bad to go exploring yourself...

haha, i will head out to that area again, but this time maybe with a friend or my skateboard.
for protection and some company, it'll be fun, right?
I'm glad i did what i did that night.
Now i know.....

haha so what has all this got to do with me having heat on that area..?

Will tell you guys soon...

or maybe not..HAHA =)
ask me personally...

~
will blog again today...

ok till here. Take care Gs. Sammies.

~R@HM@T~

ps/: where are you..? i'm waiting....please don't make me wait ok...there is an explanation to everything....trust me on this ok. I know i'm new but, doesn't mean i'm new, you can trust another that you've known for a long time...because they may be wrong in what they're saying..just that they don't realize it. I know..deep down, you aren't like that, right..? :'(

Forgiveness

2008-08-26T01:37:00.002+08:00

Only because I Wanted To

I watched a play, from way back to the third crusade.
it is quite interesting..and abit motivating and touching.
Its more like a story then a play.

Count Orlandu , Leader of the 22th Resistance, gave a task to one of his fellow knights, Greg.
His task was to travel to the far reaches of the land, slaying all enemies in his path, gather allies, and conquer his own fears. He did not know that his wise leader tasked him to do so, to test his loyalty, his courage and his strength to take on such a tedious path. Orlandu wanted him to conquer something he'd never conquered before after years of being in the warfield; himself.
if Greg succeed, he would have won his greatest battle against his own self.
But Greg was afraid...to go alone...
He was to do it alone, but his friend, Sir Fretley, volunteered to go with him. Orlandu was against the idea..but after much consideration, the wise leader knew it would be a good journey for both his young knights.

Along the way, they fought vicious enemies, endured dangerous paths and weathers, but Greg never gave up, because Sir Fretley was always by his side.
there, came a time when the two were ambushed by barbarians, but unfortunately both of them were sick.
death was upon them, but Sir Fretley raise to his feet and fought back.
he fought dozens, and he too, was slashed and wounded, and at the last moment when one tried to kill Greg, Sir fretley took the blow meant for his friend, still standing, and He took his sword and slayed his enemy to his feet.
Greg thought, he gone this far just to watch his friend die...
He embraced Sir Fratley, weeping and holding his hand, and he asked...

" why did you come with me, Fratley ..? "

Sir Fratley smiled, and gave the simplest, most wisest answer a friend can ever give..

" Only Because I wanted To..."

~

Haha, i know sounds abit Emo right? But you gotta read about it to appreciate it, then you'll get that feeling of mixed emotions.
I don't do this often, it somehow came up to me.
after reading, i wondered about my friends..

Sometimes when i ask " why did you follow?"
they will answers something like ' then if i don't follow how you gonna do this and that sia? later give trouble!"

HAHA its just funny lurh...
I wish they could say something like that, don't you?=)

ok. Its 2 am now.
I got no school today. So maybe going to meet my friends to discuss about personal stuffs.
hmm..

When i say i'm sorry, i really meant it.
when i apologize, i really meant it..
I can write a thousand words here to explain things but it'll be for nothing if i can't even convince the person how bad i feel about it and how truly sorry i am.
Worse, it'll be for nothing if i can't even prove to people....
That i don't know whats going on or what i should be guilty of and what i should do...because i really don't...
and Its so affecting me because it ruined part of my life..
I'm just trying to be very sincere and honest..if you are not convinced, then how am i suppose to live with it hanging just like that..?
can you, huh..?
And i'm still looking for answers...
Please don't make me wait ok..
Please talk to me...again...

Is your heart too heavy to even help me in this..?
is what im asking for too much a burden for you...?

I'm just...sorry.....
Don't leave ...please..

Be patient rahmat..

~R@HM@T~

Ps/:~You don't need a reason to help people, and same goes for forgiving them...
Forgive for your benefit..not others. It may be true, but what if the other wants to be
forgiven for YOUR benefit..? its complicated..but think about it ok... ='/

Dreams

2008-08-24T02:01:00.012+08:00

Yesterday was a SATURDAY. OK?
Saturday=Happy day for me
but due to unforeseen circumstances, i felt that that yesterday was shitty.
I have to say, the past two weeks has been hard and tough and hectic for me,
both mentally and physically.
Those who know about what i do in school, I don't need to explain about the physically tough part.
its more of the assignments and projects that i always do ok.
I AM A DESIGN STUDENT. DESIGN STUDENTS HAVE BIG BIG ASSIGNMENTS AND PROJECTS.
PLEASE KEEP THAT IN YOUR HEAD, BRUH.
lets just skip that and go to the mentally, affecting stuffs.

Please be you read this, i advice you to read it with a pinch of salt.
I'm not a f***** as***** who say things blindly, ok.
i just have to say things out. Directly or indirectly.

i agree that everyone has the right to talk about commitment and respect to others.
but, at the right time and when he/she is in a very good position and status to do so.
Like for example..if A and B had equal experience about respect and stuff, neither A nor B can go " hey, you gotta respect...blablabla" because the other one can say " hey, don't talk to me about respect man i got enough experience to back myself with"

ya get me..?
Its more like when one of them gets too cocky or something, then the other one can correct his friend by saying those stuffs.
Just that some topics are very sensitive and fragile..and may lead to fights and quarrels and accusations if not controlled or if theres no limits to it.

Thats general. Now about me.

At times i may be very busy, at times i may be very free.
I may look like i got nothing bothering me, but actually i got alot of things in my hands.
Just don't judge me by the looks of it, or the way i am or do things. It may be the total opposite of what you conclude about me.

We may belong in the same group, share a certain common interest, but you can't deny that deep down, each one of us is different from the other. And when each of us is different, we go through different, hard, tough times, on our own.
We know that we got the group behind us, but sometimes, even you can't help a close friend in distress, because its either you aren't the person for it, or you just happen to miss the fact that your friend is dying, trying to gain his/her confidence and strength infront of you..
Let me explain ok...maybe you can understand. Maybe i'll write this on behalf of some others....in my own will, alright..? Not because they approached me to do so..

I'm 17, like some of you.
tell you what man, i live a different life, so do all of you. we all got our ups and downs in our life right.
I've been so busy with final assignments and stuff, not to mention falling sick at the wrong time, and already people have this things that i ain't committing enough. Thats not true, ya get this clear ok.
I know my stand and status in the group. believe me, i know. after seeing you fellas get up and showing your stuff, i'm impressed.
Even you and you.
I'm not try'na be modest or what, but it takes time for me to get the hand of it.
But what bothers me is pressure. Yea man....
How serious you take it, it goes the same for us ya know..because it affects the whole crew..
but why panic..? you panic like its the end of the world man... We are new...but yet i feel that i'm being pushed...i don't know about the rest...

I'm trying my best...
What more do you need..
I'm not trying to make you feel bad..but think about it man..

have you ever wondered what you really want in your life..? Ever since when, have you ever, EVER wondered what I want in my life..? this friend of yours..?

Listen up man cuz every one of us got dreams and we wanna make it big.
as a friend, i'll be frank towards you man. But this won't change a thing thats been happening now. I'm just telling for the sake of telling..

I want to be a professional skateboarder. Somewhat like Yat or some of our locals but a bit higher. I have dreams of skating on the street, making every possible trick clean and just ride off smiling, knowing " hey! I'm good at this and i'm loving it!" ya know..?
Ever since school started i've taken my skate time off from my weekly schedule and every once in a while, i try to find time to just SKATE. EVEN AT NIGHT, WHEN THE HARDCOURT LIGHTS ARE OFF, i will surf our neighbourhood at certain nights to find spots to brush up my tricks.
you know this cuz there've been a couple of times when you know that i skate at night. late night bruh.
Go ahead and laugh at it. because you know how my standard is...right..?

But i wanna give it a shot. Somehow i've advanced alot, far more than you, and i'm not try'na boast ok...its true...its just that you've been away from skating..like some of our homeys. if you haven't, you could have been better now, really.
And i know it ain't impossible. maybe to go so pro will take a long time, but just to be fairly good at it, is definitely possible. Humanly possible. And i remember last time i always get this critic that i can do alot of S*** but i can't grind, and that factor just makes it so that i'm abit off from the skate group, does it..? You know everytime you guys say that, it just happens to hurt my feelings, like..." so what? i can give it a shot when i'm ready.." because everything takes time, but you guys were pushing it, remember..?
and about a month ago, yat approached me when we were all skating and he smiled at me and he said " Mat, try and grind man, i'm sure you gonna get it. Its easy, trust me. I'll teach you.."
And at the same moment, ONETHIRD came to my mind.
Do you still remember whose ONETHIRD , bruh..? rulers of the Hardcourt.. but where are they now..?
And you came to my mind...you and Yat are just about the same man, encouraging...
So i tried...and Shafiq and Fazlee and Azhari were clapping and supporting...
I know i grind before...but i wish you guys were there to skate with me like old times man...

Even now, I'm skating. Alone, with them, anything. Its just something i won't give up trying.
Just that i feel i'm the last survivor in the group.
ya know, the rest of them are looking for you guys. and they keep asking " where are they Mat?" and i'll say " ouh they are busy...exam and stuff..." that thing...

I don't even have time for skating now. Not like last time anymore. but i try very hard to find time in between my busy schedule to skate.
can you picture it now..?

Bruh, I have dreams to become a great drummer and guitarist. Especially a drummer. Like THE REV from Avenged SevenFold. and play their songs....

See that? The song Titled BAT COUNTRY. One of My Favourites. And that guy playing is NOT The REV. He is just an ordinary teenager..like me and you.
Listen to the sounds properly man, put your ear close to your speakers.
I bet you can make all those different sounds using the computer fast but i can bet my skating career that you can't even coordinate your drum sticks and your double paddles right.

because playing it real, is not easy as it seems, although he made it look easy. And i can assure you it took him a long time to get it right.
Its possible you know, and again, i wanna give guitar and drumming a shot.
But i'm doing it alone!
Its not like hiphop, dawg!
its not the same as when we practice for performances and stuff man. during these times, you know you got your homeys to spot your mistakes and correct your delivery and stuff..
But if i were to drum infront of you, would you be able to correct me? like how you correct me when i rap?
Its totally different, ya feelin me?

But still i'm trying. At my own time, without you knowing. Without some of you knowing.
Because all these are skills that i wanna learn.
I'm doing it because i have interest in it, like how my interest is in hiphop rapping and stuff.

but before i said all this, did you know any of it..?
I bet you dont...
and dont even think that i made this up just to get back at you..

Even if i did tell the rest of the crew, i have full confidence in saying that i will get laughter at my face.
But i wonder...why when people laugh at what we do, who we are, we get quickly pissed off...
didn't you realize..?

In my mind, i have this thought.
I dont need to be up there for people to see what i can do. how good i can be in what i do.
All i need is confidence and support, which is what im lacking.
Somehow, i know that the people will know how good i am and i'll gain their respect, like how i respect them..
No need for performances and all
like for skate or drumming, i can just post a video in the net.
I can just skate outside and do good and words will spread. I can drum at jam spots and make the crowd listen to the paddles and words will spread.
HAHA~! I know dreams can become reality...

After all this...tell me...
the things we have gone thru together as a group..as good friends...
the things we do to drive our interest and advance it...

have i ever let you down ..?
if i did, was in on purpose ..?
i turned down things with a reason...a valid one..
Compare me and some other of our friends before that day when we changed things...who turned down you more bruh, ?
And im using this as an example...not to offend you homies...cuz the past is the past...but im using this experience to save myself..and us ok..

How tough your life is, you may not know how tougher life could be for others...
Just that some people don't show it because they care and they know things are going to get worse if they did so..

Due to projects, i stay up late at night.
And you know, we need alot of cash for polytechnic.
And i spent about half my daily allowance on sch stuff..printing and buying stuff and shit. And the other half..? for food and drinks for the whole fucking day.
and sometimes i have to pay alot and i skip meals over two or three days in school..
and again, we have funds and T-shirt making and cap and stuff.
did i complain..?
Infact i made life easier for the crew to deposit a certain amount and not a HUGE amount because i know how things are like in Poly and i consider myself too.
Just imagine the deposit thing didnt came up, we all would have to pay that huge amount by a certain date right..? Imagine when the day arrives and people would say they dont have enough cash and stuff and whatever reasons...im sure somehow or rather, you'll get pissed off.

Due to school, i couldnt spend my time with my cousins...
cant play games and stuff...go out with them..
and did you know that i'm more close to my cousins more than im close to my own family..?
yea..its a fact.
you may think now i'm an asshole. But again...my lifes' different.

Due to school, my skating time has been cut off. literally cut off. i reduced the time of the thing i love doing, just so i can get more important stuffs done..

what important stuffs..?

The crew. Our music. our meetings. My school. our outings.
Cuz apart from my own, the crew is like a second family where i let out my stuff.
but i feel i've lost that opportunity,...

last time, it was always my cousins, games, skate, my own troubles and problems, and girls bruh..
Now its always the crew. ALWAYS man.
like i always think about us man. My friends...and like always wanna check things out on us and wanting to meet us.
Why..? its somehow not balance anymore right..?
because things have definitely altered my mind...

and where do the other stuffs go?
inside me man. i just keep it.
And i let it out only to a few soul out there who can take it and understand it and make solutions and help me be a better person.

These are my sacrifices. Tell me, what more must i do to make you convinced that i'm really into the group..?

At any point, have it ever cross your mind that i'm having personal problems, even without reading the blog..?
No. because i dont show it like last time, right..?

Why..?
Because about 7 months ago, a meeting was held and honestly i thought we were there to talk about what we dont like about each other, and thats why i came down. even before that one of us was already talking rudely to me.
i was labeled emo right?
But when i came down, it was all about me was it..? Like A trap.
You realized it, so did the rest.
and i felt betrayed, but i kept quiet. and i gave a clear path for our homey to shoot stuff and vulgarities at me while i sat down calmly like a tamed pup.

and i remember vividly, only ONE SOUL who was present on that day DID NOT,
DID NOT SPEAK A WORD ABOUT IT, ABOUT ME, EVEN AFTER THE FOLLOWING DAYS AND MONTHS
because he knows that he has done equal damage to me as i have done to him.
and after a period of time when we talked about it, we laughed at it mayne...
he did advice me, but the way he did it, i could really take it whole-heartedly.

On that day, i felt betrayed, but i knew it was for my own good.
And on that day too there was also a clash with personal stuff right..?
it so happens that it was a glowing opportunity for a homey to let out his thoughts. Blass him.

But after that, i handled most of my problems..alone..

speaking of betrayal.

only now it came to my mind that WE [ adelah....]
have been bitten by the same dog.
except maybe me ; i got bitten twice.
=)

again, some things are better left as it is.
Lets take it as a learning lesson..

you see bruh...?
i didn't say my crap and i didn't brought up things from the past just to get back at you, or maybe get you angry or shit.
No.
if you know me well, you'll know that i only say things when i feel its important to do so.
And right now, i have this feeling that something bad is about to happen, and the outcome of it, is unpredictable..
Maybe you don't see it coming, but i see it already bruh.
And him too.
Its like how spiderman senses danger around, ya know.

I dont know how to explain. You gotta open your eyes wide and look out for things. Not only for us, but for yourself. And you gotta open your heart and mind bruh. trust me in this ok..?
My experiences thought me lessons. and im just here to help.

From what i see, seems that you're blinded by something..
I may be wrong in saying this...but you gotta check it out yourself...because you know yoursel better.

Yesterday, i just felt like going to meet my cousins, but turned out they are busy, at the time when i'm free.
Still, i met up with you guys to check out on your progress..and i got no intentions to go far out to town cuz i was dead tired.
I wanna feel close to my hood yesterday, just relax and chill out.

mind you, i travel from the North to the East every day to go to school.
Infact, im more closer to town than you can think of.
But did you realize that despite how far i was from home, because i was schooling the furthest, i somehow managed to text and call the rest, even those who were schooling nearer, and sometimes manage to meet with you guys..?
with you..?
you see, for each day i have a school schedule right.? lets say i sch from 9 to 6, you gotta add about 3 hours more or maybe 4 because of the traveling time.
So for that example, i will leave house at 7 am and reach woodlands after school at around 7.30 pm.
and sometimes, how do i manage to reach early..? even earlier then you, who is schooling in our neighbourhood..?
I hustle my work.
and this is not inclusive of the time i spent AT HOME...till late morning, doing my work.
You may say your school life is tougher then mine, but i bet its different.

And already some people claim im a jackass who doesnt care about school or im not busy -_-

haha, think about it man.
=D

and yesterday, it just so happens i want to stick to woodlands, and my reason was the simplest and easiest i can think of, but one of us had to make faces and stuff and make me feel bad because i spoiled the whole trip.

I didn't dare talk back or flare up or counter his words because i just cant.
My respect for him was high. too high.
Haha and i bet you didnt realize it.

Man....it just suck.

think about it.

You know those times when i always say " don't do this and that" and you guys end up doing it and in the end things got out of hand and i was the right one..?
Well...

Up till here, you got freedom of choice.
think of what i just posted here as bullshit and hate me. as you wish.
Or re-read and understand the message that i'm conveying here....

keep in mind though..

I'm here to help. No more and no less..

Everyone needs a savior.
I just don't want to see us go down.
better one of us do the correcting rather than someone else right..

and when i say " bruh", its not meant for a specific person ok..it can be meant for two...or all...and it can be general..
dont let your emotions get the best of you...

Take care Gs...

~R@HM@T~

- Ps:/ ' lupe nak ucapkan bahawa kita rindu awak........bnyk masalah sekarang sampai problem2 yg belum settle pun boleyh hilang dari fikiran.... :') '

Still confused and clueless

2008-08-21T01:25:00.002+08:00

DAMN IT.
My mind is killing me, i'm starting to lose my focus and stuff..
I know it may be a minor problem to others but this is a biggie for me..
For those who know what the hell i'm talking about...
Ya gotta be understanding ok...
This is no joke.
I'm really losing myself.

I know i've talked to someone about this already[ Thankx man]
But one time is just...not enough you know...
i just feel that i've not yet let out everything thats in my mind...
its not that bothering, but if you're me, you'll understand what i'm going thru here..
Its not easy...
you may think right now that i'm a typical type of person who just loves to brag things on and trouble himself rather then forget about it..
That is not me, unlike before.
I had enough of forgetting. Alot of things can happen and we can forgive and forget and move on.
But sometimes we can't, when it involves someone or something thats is meaningful to our life , ya feelin me..?
Its just who i am...now..
I just can't forget about it...about you..
and its hurting =')

The situation is so tight.
Not trying to be some paranoid asshole here...
But believe me, i'm having a really hard time trying to explain myself..and what i'm going thru...
I've tried to look at the other person's point of view about things..with some aid...
But its just impossible lurh...it could not have happened JUST LIKE THAT because of it..
i rather go on like this, looking for answers along the way, finding out the truth, find out the cause...and fight the pain, then just forget about everything and move on.
I'm still confused and clueless, girl...

tell me, if things like this happens alot of times in your life, would you be able to just forget about things and move on, still clueless and unaware of what had just happened, and let other people and all those things toy with your life..?
You'd be curious, right..?
you'd want to know the truth, the story behind it...

I ain't no toy soldier,
Nor am i a puppet to a puppeteer.

I have faith in the things, the people around me, and what i'm doing.
I just want to carry on....but not like this alright..?
I hope for a second chance....

because i believe in it..
and i believe that everybody makes mistakes and they'll learn from their first mistake and try not to repeat it..

I have no idea, how i'm suppose to live with mistakes
i wouldn't want to, even if i know that i'm paid
given the choice, i wouldn't want to run from a fight
i wouldn't want to even when the game is so tight
I don't understand why you're putting me at a top spot
fighting a losing battle, might as well I end up getting shot
I never had this kind of problem in my life
This ain't no low tide but i still went for the dive
You're running thru my mind, everytime and everyday
But i can't believe that you're keeping yourself at bay
I understand if this misunderstanding is getting far
but i know in my heart, what you did is not who you are

~
hm...i don't know how to...
abit lost here...
but still..
I'm going to be patient..
Yes...things happen for a reason...

be patient, rahmat! :')

I hope i can get things right back to you soon...

~R@HM@T~